Intelligent Design: 

Once and for All


A lot of people are tossing around the whimsical idea of evolution. Below I will discuss the chief arguments against evolution so that the matter can be settled once and for all.

What is evolution?

Evolution is the idea that before the universe was formed some dirt got stuck on a rock and they had babies. Those babies turned into lizards, and the lizards turned into birds, and the birds turned into pandas, and the pandas turned into humans.

This hypothesis was put forward by Charles Darwin while under the influence of crack. He dreamed it up while on vacation on a tropical island after watching birds eat seeds of varying sizes. Darwin was known to have a long history of mental illness and went about just generally mucking things up for everyone.

Why even mention evolution?

The problem with evolution is that it's very attractive to stupid and bad people. If evolution were true, then it would mean that God is a dummy, and that everyone can out smart him. The hypothesis of evolution means that God couldn't figure out what he was doing and instead of making people, he made slime and, luckily, that slime turned into people.

To bad people this means that they can out smart him and get into heaven to steal God's gold. To stupid people this is much easier than trying to understand the intricacies of intelligent design. In fact, its even more obvious when simply accept evolution for what it really is: unintelligent design.

To say that God is unintelligent is to say that you are intelligent in his stead. I know for a fact that I'm not more intelligent than God because I couldn't build a human! Can you?

But evolution looks so good on paper; it even explains all those bones in the ground!

Stop! Don't even mention bones! Did you know that all bones are fake! Science has yet to prove that even humans have bones. The human-bone theory is widely taught in classrooms across the nation, I know, but so is evolution! So there you go!

Having said that, I agree, evolution does look good on paper. Paper in the garbage! There's nothing even remotely feasible about evolution. When the earth was created 4000 years ago God slapped down some people and animals and walked away. It took him 6 days to make the Earth, and then he had to take a break, imagine how had he had to work when he moved the Earth from the center of the solar system to an orbit around the sun, and how much harder it was to make it so that the Earth was no longer the center of the universe!

We never even think to thank God for these miracles!

Evolution is ridiculous. God had to work for a long time to make everything, there's no way he's going to sit around and tweak it endlessly, and it's not like evolution will happen on its own. I did two experiments to try to prove or disprove the evolution hypothesis:

Evolution experiments:

I followed the proper scientific process when setting up these experiments as outlined below:

  • Experiment One
    • Hypothesis: Evolution Is Real
    • Experimental Data: The Bible
    • Conclusion: God said it; I believe it; no evolution
  • Experiment Two
    • Hypothesis: Evolution is Real
    • Experimental Data: I left five things out for two weeks to watch them evolve
      • A frog
      • Two pieces of bread
      • A stack of notebook paper
      • A rock near some dirt
      • A small child
    • Results:
      • The frog died because I did not feed it. This is the farthest thing from evolution I can think of. I accepted these results as refuting evolution.
      • The two pieces of bread grew a considerable amount of mold. Since I do not understand the method by which mold is formed I discarded these results as erroneous.
      • The stack of notebook paper did not evolve into anything.
      • The rock near some dirt did not evolve into anything.
      • The small child left on the first day to go home, and did not return. This was not too great a concern since the majority of data already showed that evolution is impossible.
    • Conclusion: Evolution is entirely impossible.

How come so many people still believe in evolution?

Well, the problem with evolution is that, like all science fiction, it is entertaining. It means that tomorrow we might wake up and all be superheros, or that our pet snakes might become dinosaurs. The idea of evolution is thrilling and exciting. Whereas intelligent design, being so well understood, is mundane and boring.

Next time someone tells you that evolution is a scientific theory, ask them these questions:

  • Is there a car without a maker?
  • A painting without a painter?
  • A person without parents?

A human is like a fighter jet, far too complicated to simply grow out of something else. Fighter jets, also, are proof of intelligent design. You don't say that a fighter jet evolved from aluminum and bullets, no it was intelligently designed.

Let's put all of this evolution garbage behind us. In the beginning God created Adam and Eve as the first husband and wife. They had two sons, Cain and Abel. Abel took a dirt nap, and Cain had sex with a bagel to create the human race because Eve was the only woman and incest is against God's laws.

And that's intelligent design.