Silly Design: A New Theory
 

 

It has come to my attention that many people still have this innate desire to believe that some invisible and magical hand had a part in creating the wide variety of life now present on Earth. Well, rather than shooting this idea down, I've tried to devise a more even-leveled approach.

Proponents of Intelligent Design (a silly renaming of "Creationism") argue that evolution does not adequately explain the level of complexity present in life today. Instead, they propose that a supernatural being (God, Buddha, Casper) created each piece of life that is in existence today. Rather than attempt to push evolution in favor of Intelligent Design, since Intelligent Design proponents have a cookbook full of mysterious non-sequiturs to fend off the argument of evolution, I'm going to play by the ID (Intelligent Design) rules, and show that if ID is correct, then the Designer is a complete bonehead.

It is my hope that those that believe in Intelligent Design because they revere their personal Deity will instead embrace a different theory so as not to insult Him. Here we go.

Salamanders

How many salamander species can you think of? Maybe ten? How about twenty? How about five thousand? Turns out that some species of salamander that were long thought to be a single species have recently been discovered to have sufficient genetic differences to qualify as separate species. What was thought as a single species of salamander in California has been recognized as, in reality, twenty different species (click). That's nothing compares to the five thousands already-discovered species.

Remember, these species are genetically distinct; they aren't just salamanders with different spots; some have different numbers of vertebrae, some have tails constructed in different manners. The idea is the same, though: a tiny lizard looking thing with a big gooey tongue, bulging eyes, that has a propensity for climbing or living under a rock instead of in a black leather armchair like other, more Intelligent, creations.

What does this mean? It means that the all-powerful Creator jumped out of bed one night in a frightful fit thinking to Himself: "Wait, did I only create one species of salamander on the California coast... I had better go make at least 19 more." And in a simple stroke of infinite majesty, He gave up some more shit to find.

Having five thousand species of salamanders is silly. 

Manatee

What the fuck? Not only are manatees ridiculous, but somehow the human race got stuck protecting them. Holy Crap, where were these supposed to fit in? This is a classic case of Silly Design. A manatee has the survival characteristics of a ham sandwich. They're literally just food.

If this was a product of Intelligent Design, then why doesn't it have giant poisonous fangs, the wings of an archaeopteryx, and the shell of an armadillo. This isn't ID, it's SD. If you want to credit the human to a Creator, then you have to credit the manatee to the same Creator; unless you believe in multiple Creators.

Manatees are silly. 

Pooping

Seriously. This is a giant biological flaw! From a predatory stand point, releasing a foul odor and solid waste is downright idiotic. How about we just shoot smelly confetti out of our asses? From a practical standpoint pooping is a hindrance, it can cause delays, embarrassment, and general discomfort.

The Creator did an awesome job up front, food tastes great, drinking ice cold water feels refreshing; but wait, there's a punchline! Whatever you eat gets turned into shit and you have to push it out into a seat with a hole in it like pushing a sausage out of a meat press.

Pooping is silly.

Fingernails, Dandruff, and Other Shit

Whenever I look at my fingernails, I say to myself: "Hah ha, for real?" Fingernails are made from dead skin propagating outward for disposal. Dandruff is dead skin on top of live skin, usually in your hair. If we were so intelligently designed why do we have skin-dumpsters on our fingers that overflow to the rest of our bodies? That's ridiculous.

Even the most devout believer of ID has to stop and say: "Well, wait... I guess there are a few loose ends."

A few loose ends? Here's a short list of all the ridiculous problems with the human body that point to a silly designer:

  • Hair: ass, underarm, nose, mid-digital, losing it
  • Knees
  • Funny bone
  • Lactic acid
  • One-way digestive tract
  • Teeth that are vulnerable to sugar (Seriously, sugar?!), but, for the most part, not vulnerable to much harder things
  • Breathing
  • Lack of ability to breathe under water (the Earth is more than two thirds water!)
  • Speaking by vibrating flaps of tissue while expelling air 

That's just a short list! I'm sure you can think of some others. The human body, on a whole, is very silly. 

 The Abundance of Subatomic Particles

This one is self explanatory. Not only are there are ridiculous number of subatomic particles, but they can be arranges in a nearly unlimited number of ways.

This is a case of Silly Design in all of its glory. How come this unnamed Deity had to create a new particle every time he needed something. Instead of a proton and an electron, how about a proton, and a negative proton? Nope, one has to be 500 times the mass of the other, and has to have different quantum properties.

How about neutrinos? They pass through 99.999999999% of matter without bumping into anything, they travel near the speed of light, and have absolutely no purpose other than to give reason to build a ridiculous underground neutrino-tracking station (click). While on the topic of neutrinos, why did this Creator feel the need to create three flavors of neutrinos for the neutrino to switch between in a seemingly arbitrary manner (click)? 

 

What a perfectly silly detail to include. I can just imagine the dialogue in the garden of Eden:

Adam: "God, if there are only four of us, and Eve and I have two sons... um, how will we procreate?"

God: "Shut up, I'm working on making this invisible particle that is nearly undetectable except through ridiculous experimental means."

Adam: "Well, God, my sons are eying their mother and you said incest was bad. Eve is getting worried now too; also Cain has been carrying a grudge against Abel for a while now, there's a lot of sexual tension with only one female around."

God: "Fucking shut up. Do you know how insanely complicated the concept of a neutrino is? I need to create a probability based framework so that it can aimlessly shift between one of three states at any given moment."

Adam: "But... God, I mean..."

God: "BAM!! Now the Sun gives off ultraviolet radiation. Happy? Go find a stupid hut to live in, or die of cancer. Fucking, whiny brat."

Adam: "Aww, I really liked it outside..."

God: "BAM!! Don't get too comfortable, cause you just earned yourself an AIDS monkey in 4000 years with all that complaining. Say one more thing and I'll bring the dragons back."

 
Okay, so really that's an argument for Intelligent Design, but it still makes the God of Creationism look like an ignorant douche bag. 

Fighter Jets

Inanely Designed humans have vestigial tails, but Intelligently Designed fighter jets don't have vestigial bi-wings. You do the math.

Conclusion

Many people are religious and there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a belief structure in your life, especially if you need it to guide your evil tendencies. However, if you're going to believe in an all-powerful, all-seeing, and all-knowing Deity, don't make him solely responsible for Creation, it's an insult to you and to Him.