Troubled Relation
Seeking Help for a Troubled Relationship?

 Infidelity violates the core principals of honesty and trust which are vital to the success of a loving and lasting marriage.

If you are seeking help for a troubled relationship, where there has been infidelity, it's firstly important to understand why it happened. Despite how some partners may initially feel, relationship problems of this type do not happen 'out of the blue' or 'without any warning' as they may (want to) believe.

The point is, if you don't address the WHY, then essentially you're leaving the door open for it to happen again. If one spouse feels there is the potential for this, then you have not yet reached a point where the essential trust has been or even can be reestablished.

So where do you even start getting help for a troubled relationship?

When you first become aware of the infidelity, it's healthy and natural to feel and work through the emotions of anger and hurt. It is equally unhealthy to become 'stuck in' or addicted to these emotions - although it may feel as though this is the natural way you 'should' feel. As you gradually learn to work through them and 'let go' of these emotions and move on you will no longer feel the helplessness of being controlled by them. Then you can arrive at a place of peace and forgiveness.

If you want help for a troubled relationship there are many great resources out there. Realize that the healing will take time, effort and patience on both your parts - and the length of time will differ for every couple. There is no easy solution here or miracle cure in a bottle for your relationship problems.

So the first part to this help for a trouble relationship when you are recovering from infidelity, is to establish that you are both 100% committed to saving your relationship. From here you can begin to lay the new foundations from which you can rebuild your marriage.

To do this, as discussed earlier you must both look at the deeper reasons why the relationship problems and the infidelity occurred in the first place. Ask yourselves what was happening (or not) in your marriage for this to happen? Both partners must be willing to accept responsibility for the relationship problems you've had. You are not doing this to attribute blame here.

Like it or not, if you continue to blame, you are in essence, mentally continuing the affair. It really does your already fragile relationship far more harm if you do this... and to let go of the attitude of blame may be one of the most challenging things you ever have to do.

Gary Chapman, best selling author of The Five Love Languages says "the desire for romantic love is deeply rooted in our psychological makeup…psychologists have concluded that the need to feel loved is a primary human emotional need."

So instead of attributing blame - look at what relationship problems occurred in the relationship that lead to infidelity? Get as specific as you can here.

Knowing how important our need for love is, if you're in a relationship that does not meet this most basic need, you can start to better understand the WHY the affair occurred in the first place. One or even both partners started to look for love outside the marriage. At this point you might be saying "but I was showing my husband I loved him and he had an affair anyway!"

So ask yourself HOW you expressed your love. Did you do it in a way he could recognize it? Consider for a moment that your expressions of love, went unrecognized by your your husband? Can you see how easily relationship problems develop this way.

When you peel back the layers of your relationship to the core, you will be able to establish what values and beliefs the other holds with regard to communicating love. Surprisingly (or not, considering the high divorce rates) it is very common to discover that most spouses have totally different 'Love Languages' as Chapman calls them.

If a spouse never feels they are getting love from their partner, pretty soon you have a situation where you're both left feeling disconnected, unloved and in need of help for a troubled relationship.

Miscommunication in the way we express our love to our mate leads to relationship problems that can then lead on to the heartache of an extramarital affair.

So now you've established the reasons WHY your relationship problems arose to begin with we can look at how we can 'Affair Proof' your marriage for the future.

Check out Part 2 of this 'Help for a Troubled Relationship' article