Survival Kit for the Religiously Afflicted

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Do you find yourself inexplicably attacked by those who desire to smoosh their religious beliefs and practices upon you?

Have you looked at yourself in the mirror and found yourself to be turning green because you felt sick from trying to explain to some super-uber religious person that you do not wish to place your faith in the make-believe?

Have you ever been witness to an individual turning blue in the face as they incessantly try to badger those individuals who wish to live free of the chains of religion with threats of hell and everlasting damnation?

If you find that this is the case, I now offer to you the Survival Kit for the Religiously Afflicted.

In order to put together your very own Survival Kit for the Religiously Afflicted you will need a few things. Once you get these things together you are ready to face any religious onslaught with confidence and gusto!

The very first thing you will need is a good strong backbone. This is because if you do not have the balls to stand up to so much as a door to door salesman and tell them 'No!'  or 'Eff Off!' then you most certainly will not have the guts to stand up to someone trying to shove the newest brand of Jesus down your throat.

The second thing you will need is a working knowledge of the Holy Bible. This is very important when trying to show the individual preaching to you how very ludicrous what they are saying sounds. You also need to show them that you know exactly what they are talking about and where it is found in the Holy Bible. If you can, purchase one of the hand held electronic Holy Bibles. These things are absolutely wonderful! You can reference, cross reference, super cross reference, and super-duper double cross reference every Bible verse from here to eternity if that is what it takes to get the person preaching to you to understand you don't wish to hear anymore of their demented fairy tales.

The third thing you will need is a good understanding of the philosophy of religion and religious practices throughout the history of mankind. Be sure to point out all of the parallels between whatever it is the person is trying to preach to you, and every other time in history that someone or some group has tried to say the same bullshit only under the name of a different divine being or religious practice.

The fourth thing you will need is a list of religious groups who have claimed (either in the past or in recent times) that they have the only answers to all questions great and small in the universe, especially when it comes to questions of spirituality, God, mankind, and the reason and meaning of existence. Be sure to point out to your proselytizing pal that there have been many before them, and will probably be many after them, who truly think they know it all when it comes to the divine and what happens when people die. Be very explicit when you tell them that it is fine for them to think that they have an answer, but it is most certainly NOT fine for them to think they have the only answer to all things spiritual or anything in this universe that mankind does not yet understand.

The fifth thing you will need is a list of some of the most stupid, ridiculous, pathetic, moronic, brainless, dumb, thoughtless, heartless, prejudiced, and retarded remarks and statements made by representatives of the religious community. Gathering these remarks is very easy to do. Simply get on the Internet and type in 'stupid religious remarks', 'dumb religious quotes', 'ridiculous religious quotes', 'stupid religious quotes', 'ignorant religious quotes', or anything similar. You will find there is a veritable feast of super retarded crap that representatives of religion have spouted. Whenever you can, during your conversation with the religiously plagued, be sure to remind them of some of the stupid shit that has been claimed or mentioned in the name of some God or other.

The sixth thing you will need is a list of some of the End Time predictions that various religious groups have made. This is so freaking easy (and hilariously fun) to look up on the Internet. You do not need to know the names of particular groups and people who have made the predictions. Simply type in 'stupid end times predictions', 'Armageddon predictions', 'Jesus coming back predictions', or anything of the like and you will find endless websites dedicated to such. Be sure to re-inform (I say re-inform because you can bet someone somewhere along the line has told them the same goddamn thing as you are telling them) the individual before you of all those drunk with the perceived power of religion who tried to peddle their useless spiritual, half-ass philosophical wares and failed miserably.

The seventh thing you will need actually comes in two parts. The first part is a thick skin. The second part is a damn good sense of humor. You will need these things because sooner or later the misled, proselytizing sheep before you will become frustrated with your knowledge of their religious bloopers and condemn you to hell. This is entirely okay, because...are you ready for this?..Hell does not exist. That is right. Hell does not exist. When you make this known the preaching individual before you may make absurd comments like, "Satan has taken over your brain and soul!", "May God remove the black veil from your heart!", "I will pray that you will find the way to the straight and narrow!", "May God bind Satan from your life and release the grip of evil from your soul!", and all other kinds of really whacked out stuff. Do not be offended by this type of talk as it is only a side effect of the individual believing that they have the only answer to everything. If you really think about this, whatever the individual will say to you will sound funny as hell. So, laugh as hard as you like!

The eighth thing you will need is forgiveness, but not for yourself. The forgiveness is for those individuals who sooner or later come to you, apologize for their absurd claims and behavior, and try to talk to you on a normal, person to person level of communication. Do not hold it against them that they were deluded by fancy claims of escaping ultimate punishment because they thought they believed in a special way and therefore had special privileges. Also, be forgiving of those who continue to think that they have the solitary, special, divine, ultimate answer to everything. Some people really just don't know any better.

The ninth and last thing you will need, and this IS a must, is some good booze. Booze has a wonderful way of loosening the tongue and providing the individual with just the right amount of moxie to say shit they would normally never even think of saying. Be sure to remind the holy person before you that even Jesus enjoyed turning water into wine, encouraging people to remember him and his teachings by drinking wine.

There is actually a tenth thing that is good to have, but it is not a necessary requirement. This tenth thing is: Snappy Comebacks. Yes. Snappy comebacks can be quite handy when someone selling the newest version of Jesus knocks on your front door and you simply do not have the time to sit and hob-knob with them about the spiritual issues of the universe. For example, if a person knocks on your door and asks if you would like to hear about Jesus, or are worried about your future, you might answer with the following:
     1) "Would you like to hear about Satan?"
     2) "I have already heard enough of this Jesus guy and his twisted spin on life!"
     3) "Jesus? Oh, I know him! He and I are great friends. In fact, he will be here in a couple of hours to play poker. Care to join?"
     4) "Worried about my future? Hell yes! My mortgage is three thousand dollars, and in this economy I am not so sure I can make it!"
     5) "Worried about MY future? Hell no! I just want to know WHO is going to win the Super Bowl!"