Cat & Toast Theorem

Everyone loves cats. They make great pets, they are comforting, they get rid of pests, make a delicious soup, and recently, with the invention of buttered toast, make near infinite sources of energy, and can be used to destroy the world.
We all know that the law of the universe and most things in it, states that cats must always land on their feet. Recently, humans have also invented an object that, by the law of the universe and most things in it, will always land on one side. This amazing invention is called buttered toast which, law of the universe and most things in it, must always land butter side down.

Infinite Energy
What will happen if we superglue toast, butter side up, to the back of a cat and then throw it in the air? The cat, by law, can only land on its feet, but the toast, by law, must land on its butter side. Against this problem of physics, the universe, lazy as it is, will take the shortest and most lazy solution. The cat and toast may just not fall.
The cat and toast, once it is in the air, will float at its cat-toast equilibrium balance which can be adjusted by increasing or decreasing the amount of butter on the toast, and by cutting hair, or legs, from the cat. Theoretically, this will cause the cat to remain stationary in the air, but in reality, due to the varies nature of gravity, the non-uniform profile of Earth, and the stupidity of the universe, the cat will simply spin rapidly around its center of gravity at ever increasing speeds.

The following equation, where FBT is the force exerted by the butter, and FC is the force exerted from the cat's feet. The following equation:


Such that Θ = π + 3μ√2 gives us that when:


Therefore, the cat and toast defies gravity.

Harnessing the Energy

By attaching magnets to the cat, an infinite amount of energy can be harnessed... until the cat's 9 lives are used up. In fact, many more civilized species living in the universe use this principle to build their UFO. Thus, the buzzing you can here from most models of UFOs is actually the purr from the cats.
However, a much simpler device can be made. By dressing up a cat in the most expensive white unstained t-shirt. The, you attach ketchup bottles to you spinning cat in a way that the ketchup will be thrown forward. The the expensive white t-shirt, will fly forward, taking the cat and toast with it, to get itself stained. By creating four of these mechanisms, one can create a hovercraft by replacing the wheels with flying cats and replacing the steering system with some well placed tuna. The principle behind the this device is that, by the law of the universe and most things in it, expensive white t-shirts cannot resist being stained.

Doomsday Device
As we have determined from above, a cat super-glued to toast, butter side down, will result in a spinning cat-toast contraption. But what will happen if buttered side of a slice toast is glued to the cat's feet? By law, both the cat and the toast will try to land on a particular. This will result in the cat and toast falling inwards together creating a black hole which will ultimately absorb and destroy the universe, and most things in it. Unfortunately, the cat will quickly dematerialize, due to its nine lives(which are replenished during such quantum discrepancies), and will materialize in a tree approximately 2.3 miles away causing the bread to burn from the massive amounts of heat released during the compression process thus making the contraption obsolete.
On the other hand, the the bread was glued to the cats back, butter side down, the ensuing device will smash the earth at such a force the it will split the earth allowing for millions of demons and lost souls to escape and wreck havoc on the remaining humans... again.


Some scientologists think that creating antigravitatory cats are virtually impossible. They demonstrate it by doing the experiment by themselves.

In order to do the experiment, you need
A toast
Super Glue
A kitten or cat, although kittens tend to be less effective

Let's imagine you have that ready. Try to glue the toast and cat together. See what happens? Exactly! There is no cat!

When the glue and the cat are in the same tetradimensional space, the cat dissappears. The comparison with Schrodinger's Cat is obvious, but unlike the infamous undead cat, there has been no comprehensive explanation of why the cat disappears.

My theory is that cats and items such as glue, dogs, fleas, etc., cannot coexist within 5 meters of each other. Placing a cat and one such item in the vicinity of each other would result in the random dematerialization of the cat, due to its nine lives(which are replenished during quantum discrepancies such as this), and the materialize of the cat in a tree approximately 2.3 miles away, thus forcing people in big red noisy trucks to pull the cat out of the tree.


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