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Lore Virgins - Wednesday, June 14, 2010


    Now, I'm not talking about players with no background knowledge of lore who attempt to roleplay. You'll see what I mean in a moment.
  1. Turalyon
  2. Alleria Windrunner
  3. Tirion Fordring
  4. Karandra Fordring
  5. Durotan
  6. Draka
  7. Medivh
  8. Garona Halforcen
  9. Alexandros Mograine
  10. Dath'remar Sunstrider
  11. Anasterian Sunstrider
  12. Fandral Staghelm
  13. Broll Bearmantle
  14. Arthas Menethil
  15. Jaina Proudmoore
  16. Daelin Proudmoore
  17. King Llane Wrynn
  18. King Varian Wrynn
  19. King Terenas Menethil
    I'm hard-pressed to think of more. Now, from that list...
  1. Daelin Proudmoore
  2. King Terenas Menethil
  3. Dath'remar Sunstrider
    That's all I can come up with. Now, you're probably wondering what those two lists mean. The first is a list, as best as I can sum up, of which characters in Warcraft lore were known to have had some sort of sex due to the presence of offspring. 
    The second list, meanwhile, are the characters whose children eventually went on to have some of their own. Yep, Arthas, Jaina, and Anastarien. That's all I could come up with. The rest boil down like this:
  1. Arator, son of Turalyon and Alleria: No known love interests.
  2. Taelan Fordring, son of Tirion and Karandra: Killed at a young age, no known love interests.
  3. Thrall, son of Durotan and Draka: No known love interests.
  4. Me'dan, son of Medivh and Garona: Killed at a young age, god help Warcraft geneticists if he did have love interests.
  5. Darion Mograine, son of Alexandros: Current state is undeath, no known love interests.
  6. Renault Mograine, son of Alexandros: Killed at... Christ, what was he, twenty-something? Early thirties? If he and Sally were at it, we'll never know.
  7. Kael'thas Sunstrider, son of Anasterian: Oh, who am I kidding, he probably had bitches lined up.
  8. Anessa Bearmantle, daughter of Broll: Killed at a young age, no known love interests.
  9. Valstann Staghelm, son of Fandral: Killed at a young age, no known love interests.
  10. Anduin Wrynn, son of Varian Wrynn: He's 13. No.
    This sort of frightens me. No, I'm not saying I want to see more sex mentioned in Warcraft lore, but as it stands, it seems the only reason major characters procreate is for the sake of either royal bloodlines or plot devices. Arator grieves his father, Taelan hardens Tirion against the Scarlets, Thrall avenges his parents, Me'dan does... Whatever the hell Me'dan does, Darion cleanses his father's sword, Renault drops gear for players on the cusp of level 40 greatness, Kael'thas provides a point for a love triangle and goes batshit insane on everyone, Anessa gives Broll a reason to feel like a failure, Valstann gives Fandral a reason to act like an asshole, and Anduin gives us a happy chance to avoid seeing Varian Wrynn in his non-badass, awful, kingly form before the orcs gave him his brass balls for Winter's Veil. 

    So what's with all the virgins? Why can't Thrall get some? He's certainly earned it, hasn't he? And I know he's already had some, but what about Varian? Bitches oughta be lining up for him. After all, he's a nice guy, right? I bet he's really into roleplaying if you paint yourself up green and he gets to "take out revenge." Are the children of major characters doomed to such fates? Do they deserve this? Can Chris Metzen, in good mental standing, really sleep at night knowing there will be no pussy and/or dick for his characters unless the novel is written by a female author? How this man lives with himself and all his comic books, I'll never understand. But I digress. The children of major characters ought to be given more chances to lead story-worthy lives. After all, the majority of the mothers who birth them don't seem to live very long. Here's another list: This is a list of characters whose mothers either died in childbirth or didn't get to live long enough to do anything interesting that we get to read about:

  1. Renault/Darion Mograine (Elena Mograine)
  2. Anduin Wrynn (Tiffin Wrynn)
  3. Arthas Menethil (Lianne Menethil)
  4. Jaina Proudmoore (Unknown Mother)
  5. Kael'thas Sunstrider (Unknown Mother)
  6. Valstann Staghelm (Unknown Mother)
  7. Anessa Bearmantle (Unknown Mother)
  8. Varian Wrynn (Unknown Mother)
    Due to the fact that every elf mentioned with relatives in which the mother is either unknown or dead, I motion for Tyrande Whisperwind to have a baby. Anyways. 
    I've heard a few times from a few sources that if you introduce a gun of some sort at the beginning of the book, it has to fire by the end of the book. Perhaps this is true with parental characters and children of major characters; perhaps once they are introduced, they have to do SOMETHING noteworthy. Or maybe it's just a case of author laziness. Whichever the case, I personally believe adding more depth to family tree stories would in turn add depth to the lore itself. Don't get me wrong, Warcraft lore is far from shallow. But imagine what more background information they could give to the past of Warcraft's worlds if we had background on those who lived back then? Things such as technology advancement and social norms would be interesting to know for roleplaying purposes. I know that's just a dopey example, but there are so many stories that could be told. Think about it, Blizzard. There are so many comic books that could be made and sold. Or, if there's enough to go on, books! Everyone wins.
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