Welcome to the Land of Gay Jokes 


Confession

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he 
was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, "Could you go 
into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the 
bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on but never really
does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her 
10 Hail Mary's and I'll be right back."

Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee 
came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I fear I have done 
the unforgivable. I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex." 

Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 Hail 
Mary's would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head 
out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the minister give 
for oral sex?" In reply the altar boy said, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."


Sizing Up the Situation

A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to
go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going
to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he
knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her.

She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it
would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?"
He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish but from a wealthy
Beverly Hills family. And her father is a doctor.

She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks,
"What is this wonderful girl's name?"

He answers, "Monica Lewinsky."

There is a pause, then his mother asks,
"What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"


Ashes to Ashes

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to 
be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they 
planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and 
scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, 
so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump 
his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."


Appearances Can Be Deceiving

One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. 
A cab stopped and picked her up. 
During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her. 

When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, 
but I don't want to offend you."

She said, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long 
enough that I have heard just about everything."

The cab driver then said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy 
to have a nun give me a blow job."

She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. 
You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic."

Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes! I'm single and I'm Catholic!"

The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley." 

The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. 
Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying. 

The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?"

He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied...I'm married and I'm Jewish!

The nun replied, "That's okay. My name's Bruce 
and I'm on my way to a costume party!"


Gay Present Giving

Two gay guys are going at it. After they finish, one turns to the other and says 
"Hey, I feel something in my ass ... see if you can feel anything." So his 
boyfriends puts his finger in his ass and feels around. "I don't feel anything",
the boyfriend says. So the first guy says, "No deeper...I'm sure I feel something". 

So the boyfriend put his hand in the guys ass and feels around. "I'm telling you 
there is nothing there" says the boyfriend. "No really", the guys says, "I can 
feel it, look deeper." So the boyfriend puts his whole arm in the guys ass and 
is feeling around when he touches something. 

"Hey, I found something,"says the boyfriend. "Well take it out," says the guy.
The boyfriend pulls his hand out of the guys ass, looks at it and see's it is a Rolex. 
The guy starts singin, "Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday to you......"


Gay Guys in Heaven

Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others 
were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, 
and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter. 

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. 
"I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even 
married a woman named Penny." 

Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. 
You loved 
food too much. You loved to eat so much, 
you even married a woman named Candy!" 

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, 
"It doesn't look good, Dick."


Gay Problems

Three guys go to see a witch doctor about their problems. One has a smoking 
problem, one is an alcholic and one is gay but wants to change. 
The docter puts a 
curse on them that if any of them indulge their habits again they will die. 

Two days later the alcholic dies because he gave in and had to drink. 
The next 
day the gay guy and the smoker are walking down the street together. 
The smoker sees a cigarette lying and the ground and stops to stare at it. 
The gay 
guy looked at him and said "if you bend over and pick that up we are both fucked


The Gay Bar

Four gay guys walk into a gay bar and they find a problem. 
There's only one stool left. 

One guy says "Lets flip for it" 

But another says "No, Lets flip it over"


The Gay, The Jew and The Italian


Three men died and found themselves standing in line at the pearly gates. 
One was gay, another Italian, the other was Jewish.

At the gates of Heaven, these three were told that they had led a sinful life and 
each would be granted one last chance to redeem himself to get into Heaven. 
But, they each had to make a sacrifice.

The gay man wasn't allowed to practice sodomy, the Jew wasn't allowed to pick 
any money up off the ground and the Italian wasn't allowed to have pizza. 
They only had to make this sacrifice for one day.

They were sent back down to Earth. They were walking along and the Italian 
said, "This is gonna be easy!" But then, right as he said that, they passed a pizza 
parlor and the Italian could smell the pizza.

"Oh, mama-mia! That smells good! One little bite couldn't hurt!" 
The Italian took a bite and disappeared.

At this point the Jew and gay man knew that they had to have willpower. 
So, they walked a little more when the Jew saw a dime rolling his way. 
He got a look of glee in his eye and said, "One little dime won't do anything!"

He bent over to pick up the dime and the gay man disappeared.


Careful what you wish for

A gay couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th 
birthday of one of them. 
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been 
such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The one who was giving the party said, "We've blown all our money on parties
and fine dining and decorating this house, I've never gotten to see the world. 
I wish we could travel all over the world." 

The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He had the tickets in his hand.

Next, it was the birthday boy's turn. He paused for a moment, 
and then
with a sly grin said, "Well, I'd like a boyfriend 30 years younger than me."

The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90. 


Garden of Hedon

As he drove along the highway, a guy kept seeing billboards with beautiful, 
tanned people and the words: Visit the Garden of Hedon. His curiosity got the 
best of him and he turned off the road at the entrance to the place a few miles 
down the road. He went inside a building marked "Registration" and saw an 
attractive woman sitting at a desk.

"Exactly what do you do here?" he asked. 

"It's quite simple," said the receptionist. "This is a nudist camp. 
We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."

"Cool," said the guy, "count me in!" So he paid his membership fee, took off 
his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read,
"Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the 
same thing: "Beware of Gays." 

He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze 
plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, 
"Sorry, you've had two warnings!"


What's its name

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. 
"But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, 
"What's the name of your penis?"

The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name 
of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' 
That 
guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,' because 'It really Satisfies."

The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a 
second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is 
sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity 
Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"

The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job 1.' " 
Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up 
with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, 
"The name of my penis is 'Secret.' Now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, 
"Why secret?"

The customer says, "Because it's 
STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!" 


100 Reasons to be Gay

1. You truly don't care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with.
2. You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka.
3. You can call anyone "honey" including pets.
4. You know someone who definitely was in the emergency 
room with Richard Gere and the gerbil.
5. You understand the immense importance of good lighting.
6. You can be at a crowded disco the size of two 
football fields and still spot a toupee.
7. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, 
and truly mean her bathing suit.
8. You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.
9. You really have "been there, done that."
10. Your women friends will tell you everything you want to 
know about their boyfriends. And that means everything.
11. You're the only type of male who gets to say "fabulous."
12. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home.
13. You can have naked men you don't know in your home.
14. You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.
15. You understand why the good Lord invented spandex.
16. You understand why the good Lord didn't intend everyone to wear it.
17. You know how to get back at just about everyone. And have.
18. You know that the most important part of a party's decor is the catering staff.
19. You only wear polyester when you mean to.
20. You can smile to let someone know you can't stand them.
21. You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.
22. You're good pals with women other people can't stand.
23. You've always got an opinion.
24. You've read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
25. You know how to dress strategically.
26. Your car has an amusing female name.
27. You're the only one at your high school reunion who 
looks a lot better than you did in high school.
28. You've got at least one framed picture of a pet.
29. If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers.
30. You know that sex complicates things. So?
31. You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn't actually an insult.
32. There's a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.
33. Nobody tells you what to do in bed...unless you tell them what to tell you.
34. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
35. You have at least one movie musical on video.
36. You're not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.
37. You're embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.
38. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.
39. You know how to make an entrance.
40. You know when to make an exit.
41. You worry about people you don't even know - like Liza Minnelli.
42. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
43. You know how to program your VCR.
44. You've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
45. You have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales.
46. You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.
47. Some of your best friends are your ex lovers.
48. You know when to play dumb.
49. You know what to do for a hangover.
50. Yes, you do have a condom.
51. You've called someone "girlfriend" who is neither a girl nor a friend.
52. One or more of the following apply to you:
a) You adore Judy Garland
b) You hate Judy Garland
c) You hate people who adore Judy Garland.
d) You hate people who hate Judy Garland.
e) You don't give a damn about Judy Garland.
f) Who is Judy Garland?
53. You can supply the last names to the following list:
a) Bernadette
b) Chita
c) Barbra
54. You made Donna Summer a star.
55. You made Donna Summer a has-been.
56. Tanning salons were invented for you.
57. You've made sunbathing a performance art.
58. You know when the party's over.
59. You know where to go after the party's over.
60. You're fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.
61. When you hear "a stitch in time saves nine" you think of
a) Your grandma
b) Your face lift
c) John Wayne Bobbit
62. You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.
63. Your roommate can be your roommate and not your "roommate."
64. You know that referring to someone as "a real 
lady" isn't necessarily a compliment.
65. Your favorite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion.
66. If your cat is a female, you swear it's a lesbian.
67. If your cat is a male, you swear it's a lesbian.
68. You sing along heartily with songs that make most females cringe, 
like "Stand by your man".
69. You've been to a bris, a barmitzvah, a christening, 
a first communion and too many weddings and you have a 
carefully considered evaluation of the food after each.
70. You'll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.
71. A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.
72. You have a favorite Disney character and it's usually a nasty one.
73. You've left someone totally speechless.
74. You've shaved something other than your face.
75. All your friends do not have to "get along".
76. You have large collection of anniversary pictures. 
They may be with different guys, however.
77. Your love handles are actually used as such.
78. When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it an opportunity.
79. You've got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.
80. You've got the most interesting coffee table books.
81. You know where to find a meat rack and it ain't in your kitchen drawer.
82. You have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.
83. At some moment in your life you've envisioned having back-up girls.
84. You know your enemies.
85. After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man. 
And he's right there in the shower.
86 You're Barbra Streisand's biggest fan.
87. You know that Barbra Streisand's biggest fan is Barbra Streisand.
88 Not only have you added spice to your life - 
sometimes you've added side dishes.
89. You know that "small talk" can be about spirituality or politics, 
and "important issues" can be about hair.
90. You've actually lived out some of your fantasies.
91. Unlike most straight women, you have no 
problem being treated solely as a sex object.
92. You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.
93. You know, by heart, every line in:
a) All about Eve
b) The Rocky Horror Picture Show
c) Your face
94. You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.
95. You have 412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 136 are non-verbal.
96. You can lip-sync to at least one Supreme's song.
97. You have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.
98. Even if you're in Kansas, you're not in Kansas anymore.
99. You know exactly how many martinis it takes.
100. When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread. 
Sometimes after the party too.


A week in Hell

A man named Vinny dies and goes to hell. 

The Devil says to him "Hey Vinny we've been waitin for ya!". 

Vinny smiles and walks with the Devil and the Devil says "I gotta ask you a 
couple questions, do you like to smoke?" Vinny answers "Ya, I love to smoke." 
The Devil says "Good you'll like Mondays we smoke 
everything cigarettes, cigars, weed everything." 

"Now do you like to drink?" Then Vinny says "Of course I love to drink." 
The Devil replies "Great we drink everything on Tuesdays you will fit in great." 

"Do you like to have sex?" Vinny says "Hell ya sex is the best." 
The Devilsmiles and replies "We have sex with every type of 
woman you could think of on Wednesdays." 

And the Devil finally says "Now, are you gay?" Vinny frowns and answers "NO 
I'm not gay! And the Devil looks down and finishes "Your gonna hate Thursdays.


Hard Marines

"No, Sir!" came the reply.

"Why not?" 

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!" 

The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man. 

He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear. 

"Did THAT hurt?" 

"No, Sir!" 

"Why not?" 

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!" 

Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, 
and sees he has an enormous erection. 
Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick. 

"Did THAT hurt?" 

"No, Sir!" 

"Why not?" 

"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"


Gay Translator

I want a commitment. 
I'm sick of masturbation. 

Haven't I seen you before? 
Nice ass. 

I need you. 
My hand is tired. 

You're the only man I've ever cared about. 
You are the only man who hasn't rejected me. 

I'm a Romantic. 
I'm poor. 

I really want to get to know you better. 
So I can tell my friends about it. 

It's just orange juice, try it. 
3 more shots, and he'll have his legs around my head. 

He's kinda cute. 
I want to have sex with him till my dick turns blue! 

He's not my type. 
He won't sleep with me. 

I miss you so much 
I am so horny that my dog is starting to look good. 

I had a wonderful time last night. 
Who the hell are you? 

Do you love me? 
I've done something stupid and you might find out. 

Do you 'really' love me? 
I've done something stupid and you're going to find out. 

I'll give you a call. 
I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again. 

I've been thinking a lot. 
You're not as attractive as when I was drunk. 

I think we should just be friends. 
You're ugly. 

I've learned a lot from you. 
Next!!!! 


Other Gay Jokes

1. Did you hear Vaseline is coming out with new labels for its petroleum jelly? 
They're going to have a picture of missing gerbils on it.

2. How do you know you're in a gay amusement park? 
They pass out gerbils in the tunnel of love.

3. How do you prevent homos from getting AIDS? 
Tell 'em to sit down and keep their mouth shut.

4.How many faggots does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
One, as long as there's plenty of oil and he's real careful.

5. What did the mother say to her midget artist son
after she found out he had AIDS? 
You are Too Loose Lautrec.

6. What does a gay turkey say after he sucks your cock? 
Gobble, gobble, gobble de goop.

7. What painting do members of NAMBLA love? 
Little boy blew.

8. What weighs 250 pounds and swims in the San Francisco Bay? 
Moby Dyke.

9. Why was the gay embarrassed when he was caught blowing the
well-hung black delivery boy? 
Because he was caught with a foot in his mouth.

10. Why were the other vegetables worried for Sprout? 
They found out the Jolly Green Giant was a member of NAMBLA.

11. There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the 
      bartender 10 shots of whiskey. 
      The bartender asks, "What's the matter?" 
      The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my 
      best friend." 
     The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. 
     The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?" 
     The man says, "I found out that my son is gay." 
     The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 
     15 shots of whiskey. 
     Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?
     The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."


100 Funny Sex Jokes

Funny Sex Joke 1
Did you hear about the gay rabbit?
He found a hare up his ass.

Funny Sex Joke 2
Did you hear about the gay truckers?
They exchanged loads.

Funny Sex Joke 3
Did you hear about the guy who died of Viagra overdose?
They couldn’t close his casket.

Funny Sex Joke 4
Did you hear about the two gay guys that had an argument in the bar?
They went outside to exchange blows

Funny Sex Joke 5
Did you hear about the two gay judges?
They tried each other.

Funny Sex Joke 6
Did you hear about the two homosexual judges?
They kept trying each other.

Funny Sex Joke 7
Did you hear that the new and politically correct name for “lesbian”.
It has been changed to “vagitarian”.

Funny Sex Joke 8
Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
They’re called Dikes. 

They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!

Funny Sex Joke 9
Did you know 70% of the gay population were born that way?
The other 30% were sucked into it.

Funny Sex Joke 10
Did you know they just discovered a new use for sheep in New Zealand?
Wool!

Funny Sex Joke 11
Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
Ate something.

Funny Sex Joke 12
Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel?
It’s for the Christmas period.

Funny Sex Joke 13
Hear about the new gay sitcom?
“Leave it, it’s Beaver.”

Funny Sex Joke 14
Hey, what’s sticky, white and falls from the sky?
The cumming of the Lord

Funny Sex Joke 15
How are a lawyer and a 
prostitute different?
The prostitute stops fucking you after you’re dead.

Funny Sex Joke 16
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They are fun to ride but you don’t want your friends to find out.

Funny Sex Joke 17
How can you tell a head nurse?
She’s the one with the dirty knees!

Funny Sex Joke 18
How can you tell if a Western is homosexual?
All the good guys are hung.

Funny Sex Joke 19
How can you tell if you are in a gay amusement park?
They issue gerbils at the tunnel of love.

Funny Sex Joke 20
How can you tell if you 
eat pussy well?
You wake up in the morning with a face like a glazed 

doughnut and a beard like an unwashed paintbrush.

Funny Sex Joke 21
How can you tell if your girlfriend wants you?
When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like you’re feeding a horse.

Funny Sex Joke 22
How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
One of his fingers is clean.

Funny Sex Joke 23
How did the gay break his leg at the golf course?
He fell off the ball washer!

Funny Sex Joke 24
How do men sort out their laundry?
Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

Funny Sex Joke 25
How do you confuse a female archaeologist?
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it’s from.

Funny Sex Joke 26
How do you find a blind man in a 
nudist colony?
It’s not hard.

Funny Sex Joke 27
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an alter boy

Funny Sex Joke 28
How do you give a blind queer a thrill?
Leave the plunger in the toilet.

Funny Sex Joke 29
How do you know when a 
male porn star is at the gas station?
Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out 

the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.

Funny Sex Joke 30
How do you know when your cat’s done cleaning himself?
He’s smoking a cigarette.

Funny Sex Joke 31
How do you know when your wife is really dead?
Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger.

Funny Sex Joke 32
How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
Give it a nipple.

Funny Sex Joke 33
How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
Call her and tell her.

Funny Sex Joke 34
How do you say 69 in Chinese?
Twocanchew (two can chew).

Funny Sex Joke 35
How do you teach a blond math?
Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her.

Funny Sex Joke 36
How do you tell if a chick’s too fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.

Funny Sex Joke 37
How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
If 
the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Funny Sex Joke 38
How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.

Funny Sex Joke 39
How is a woman like a road?
Both have manholes.

Funny Sex Joke 40
How is being at a 
singles bar different than being at the circus?
At the circus, the clowns don’t talk.

Funny Sex Joke 41
How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?
None It should be open when she brings it to you

Funny Sex Joke 42
How many newspapers can a woman hold between her legs?
One Post, two Globes, and many Times.

Funny Sex Joke 43
If your mother and father have a baby and its not 

your sister or your brother, who is it?
It’s you, you fucking idiot!

Funny Sex Joke 44
Three words to ruin a man’s ego…
“Is it in?”

Funny Sex Joke 45
What did Adam say to Eve?
Stand back, I don’t know how big this thing gets!

Funny Sex Joke 46
What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
I can’t see a thing with all this shit in here!

Funny Sex Joke 47
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking she’s going to eat me.

Funny Sex Joke 48
What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?
Good morning Girls

Funny Sex Joke 49
What did the boy vampire say to the girl vampire?
See you next period.

Funny Sex Joke 50
What did the guy say to his dick after he found that the 

girl he’s getting ready to fuck has genital warts?
“Hang on, boy! It’s gonna be a bumpy ride!”

Funny Sex Joke 51
What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail?
I feel like a kid again!

Funny Sex Joke 52
What did the woman say to her swimming instructor?
“Will I really drown if you take your finger out?”

Funny Sex Joke 53
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Funny Sex Joke 54
What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
They are both used as substitute meat.

Funny Sex Joke 55
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it, but can’t eat it.

Funny Sex Joke 56
What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A wet nose.

Funny Sex Joke 57
What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Funny Sex Joke 58
What do a toilet and a woman have in common?
Without the hole in the middle they aren’t good for shit.

Funny Sex Joke 59
What do a Turtle and a Pedophile have in common?
They both want to get there before the ‘hair’ does.

Funny Sex Joke 60
What do you call a female clown?
A Clunt

Funny Sex Joke 61
What do you call a female police officer that shaves her pubic hair?
Cunt Stubble.

Funny Sex Joke 62
What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin’ off.

Funny Sex Joke 63
What do you call a hillbilly who owns sheep and goats.
Bisexual.

Funny Sex Joke 64
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?A: Lickalotopuss.

Funny Sex Joke 65
What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well hung.

Funny Sex Joke 66
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker.

Funny Sex Joke 67
What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A tran-sister.

Funny Sex Joke 68
What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A lesbian with a hard-on.

Funny Sex Joke 69
What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
A pubic hair.

Funny Sex Joke 70
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
Pimp.

Funny Sex Joke 71
What do you call an anorexic prostitute?
Lite & Easy

Funny Sex Joke 72
What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully?
Miracle whip.

Funny Sex Joke 73
What do you call two lesbians with their period?
Finger painting.

Funny Sex Joke 74
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use some lubricant.

Funny Sex Joke 75
What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Funny Sex Joke 76
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don’t do dick.

Funny Sex Joke 77
What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
Goes-in-tight!

Funny Sex Joke 78
What does a bull do to stay warm on a bitterly cold day?
He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm “Jersey”

Funny Sex Joke 79
What does a female snail say during sex?
Faster, faster, faster!

Funny Sex Joke 80
What does a woman’s asshole do when she is having an orgasm?
He is usually home with the kids!

Funny Sex Joke 81
What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn’t?
A navel.

Funny Sex Joke 82
What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed.

Funny Sex Joke 83
What does do women and milk cartons have in common?
You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff.

Funny Sex Joke 84
What is the smallest hotel in the world?
A pussy, cause you have to leave the bags outside.

Funny Sex Joke 85
What’s a necrophilia’s biggest complaint about sex?
They just kinda lay there.

Funny Sex Joke 86
What’s a virgin and a balloon have in common ?
All it takes is one prick and its all over.

Funny Sex Joke 87
What’s female Viagra?
Jewellery

Funny Sex Joke 88
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.

Funny Sex Joke 89
Why do only 10% of women go to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be hell.

Funny Sex Joke 90
Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
Their shaky hands!

Funny Sex Joke 91
Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
So men can be open minded.

Funny Sex Joke 92
Why does a squirrel swim on its back?
To keep its nuts dry.

Funny Sex Joke 93
Why does the bride always wear white?
Well aren’t all kitchen appliances that colour?

Funny Sex Joke 94
Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
They don’t have time.

Funny Sex Joke 95
Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
Because women wouldn’t do them if they were called cunt scrapes.

Funny Sex Joke 96
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

Funny Sex Joke 97
Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Funny Sex Joke 98
Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

Funny Sex Joke 99
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it’s getting interesting, they’re finished until next time.

Funny Sex Joke 100
You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man’s sex life?
Because women know if he’ll eat one of those, he’ll eat anything!

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