If you can't see the error then ask Michele the next time you see her. She will give you a clue








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One of my friends was once hit by a steam train, apparently he was chuffed to bits.

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A couple went for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and ordered the Chicken Surprise, for two. The waitress brought the meal, served in a lidded pot, and set it down upon the table before them.
Just as the wife was about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rose slightly and she briefly saw two beady little eyes looking around before the Lid slammed back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asked her husband.
He hadn’t, so she asked him to look in the pot. He reached for it and again the lid rose, and he saw two little eyes looking around before it slammed down. Not exactly sure of what he'd seen, he decided to have another look.  He had no more touched the lid when it again rose and once again a pair of beady eyes were looking at him. Rather perturbed, he called the waitress over, explained what was happening, and demanded an explanation.
"Prease sir," said the waitress, "what you order?"
The husband replied, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah! So solley," said the waitress , "I bring you Peeking Duck."
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me.

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil...

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Where do London lobsters catch the train.

Kings crustacean.

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No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

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A guy walked into the doctor's office. A carrot stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a mushroom stuck in one nostril.
The man said, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor said, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."

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So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. St Peter looks at him for a  second, flicks through his book, and finds his name. "So, you're a politician..."
 "Well, yes, is that a problem?"
 "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"
"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the politician.
 "Them's the rules" Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy disappears...
And he awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell.
 Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing.
Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right?
"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!".
Nervously, the politician uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini.
 "Who are you??" The politician asks.
 "Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet.
"Welcome to Hell!"
 "Wait, this is Hell?
 But... Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink.
"Oh, we've been a bit mis-represented over the years, it's a long story.
 Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service,
 there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception.
 But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..."
Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the politician wanders over to the
 floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down,
 and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course.
"It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question.
 So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves 
and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cheerily talks shop with the laughing staff.
 And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him
as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal,
 perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll 
at the next table.  As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other,
his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night  like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the
100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep...

And is woken up by St Peter.
"So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?"
 "No sir!" says the politician.
 "So then" says St Peter "you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on".
"Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell" says the politician.
 "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.

The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away,
 illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean.
 A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning,
 holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other.

 "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, 
the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???"
"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted..."


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Why don't blind people skydive?............Because it scares the dog.

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I never finish anything..................I have a black belt in partial arts!

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I had four tins of alphabet soup for dinner last night.
This morning, I had a massive vowel movement.

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A skeleton walks into the bar, and asks for a pint of beer and a mop. 

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Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa.  Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line.  Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well-travelled trail through the jungle.  All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory.  The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory.  While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle.   After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night.  After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading.  While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot.  When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported
 "African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear,  but it is reported he was reading between the lions."

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A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” asks the bartender.

The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it.”

.............................................................

Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says “Five beers please!”


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I was in hospital last week. I asked the nurse if I could do my own stitches. She said “suture self”

Marvin Gaye kept a sheep in my vineyard. He’d herd it through the grapevine

Credit to Leo Kearse at the UK Pun Championships for these

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Bilbo was surprised to wake one morning and find a Tesco had been built next to his house.

It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area.

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A book fell on my head the other day...............I have only my shelf to blame
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Most people have heard of these, but just in case you haven't:
Try typing "askew" into google.  Also try "do a barrel roll"
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Historic Fact for Today:  Before the 'Iron Age' everything was just creased

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Councillor Mike Ford on patrol!



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Paddy's racing snail is not winning races any more. 
So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic.
 It didn't work, if anything, it made him more sluggish.

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Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub?
He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said,  "Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie."
She replied, "Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me tae the pub with you?"
 "Nay," Jock replied.
  "I'm switching the heat off while I'm out."

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