Polyamory Coping: Ways to Help Yourself Through the Nights you Spend Alone

Polyamory Coping: Ways to Help Yourself Through the Nights you Spend Alone

Distilled from varied sources by Tracy Deagan LPC-S, LCSW-S

    1. Build Resources Before you Need Them

If you wait until 1 AM to find someone to talk to when you are overwhelmed by emotions and thoughts then you may have very limited options – helplines etc. If however you set up for this need in advance you may find more folks than you thought that are able and willing to help. This is only one of the reasons it is great to reach out to others either online or in groups, in person etc.

To that end, try getting involved with an online or face to face group that has members that are also initially trying to understand Polyamory and are in a similar stage of their relationship. Often they will be able to be supportive in a way other folks that are not coping with these same problems can not be. Also, then you can give support back, which has the added benefit of us getting the positive feelings that come with understanding and helping another.

    1. Make Plans for Your Alone Time – In Advance

This is another area that being prepared in advance can make all the difference in our alone time. Buy that craft kit you have thought about, that book or CD or DVD you have been dying to view, or that extra special tea you have been wanting to try. Make a list of the activities that you usually enjoy and / or things you have not done in a while or just want to try and plan to do one or more.

As mentioned above this could also be a good time to spend time with others that understand what you are going through. Some folks specifically try and make a “date” of their own for these nights, but whether that person is platonic or not it is best to choose someone that can be told what you are dealing with; going and spending 3 hours trying to seem happy may be less enjoyable than being alone doing something you enjoy.

    1. Make a List of Positive Self Talk and Use it.

Most of us are loathe to use a list of “positive affirmations” that tell us that everything is going to be peachy keen if we only praise ourselves and look on the sunny side. While a positive outlook is very useful telling ourselves a bunch of things that we do not really believe and scorn generally is not. So, make a list that really clicks for you. Make it specific to your situation and it's needs.

Example: Instead of telling myself “ I am the best ever and partner will never leave me.” try “ My partner does not love me for my science and math knowledge, they love me for me. It is good that my partner had found someone they can talk about their interests with.” or add a reasonable goal.

“Ongoing poly relationships can be enough of a challenge, and require so much communication, that there is often less sex t