100Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

The Hark Tank!
A Two Minute Comedy

Nigel Stubbletern – an aspirant entrepreneur
Rupert Fisqwik - investor
Duby S. Ledger - investor
Factious Rule - investor
Grimly Koffer – investor

MUSIC: Upbeat version of “Hark the Herald” reality show theme.
SFX: Canned applause

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen welcome to The Hark Tank, where upwardly mobile, nearly ascended aspirants pitch their latest proselytizing business plan to four hard-nosed, discriminating investors who can make… or break the future!!

Lights up on Hark Tank show set.  The investors all sit at desks diagonally stage right.  Each investor waves a hand as they’re announced.  Nigel enters stage left and stands.

ANNOUNCER: Starring investor Rupert Fisqwik, Duby S.  Ledger, Factious Rule, and Mr. Grimly Koffer!  And introducing aspiring proselyte Nigel T. Stubbletern, from the charming Cotswold village of Stow on the Wode!!

SFX: Canned applause

FISQWIK: Let’s get right to it Stubbletern, what have you brought us today?

NIGEL: Well, I have developed a business based on the idea that for mortal men life is a debilitating encumbrance.  Take for example the heartache of finding a mate.  There is the humiliating process of dating, meeting a lover’s parents, going to the in-laws excruciating dull parties, etc.  Life is hard.  We say, it shouldn’t have to be.

RULE: I’ve had that problem for years.  If you’ve got a solution I want to hear about it.

NIGEL: My solution is called “We Are You.”  It’s a program that offers young men and  women the opportunity to turn over the difficult, uncomfortable elements of their lives to a third party that will do the nasty work for them.

LEDGER: What do you mean by a third party?

NIGEL: A personality team.  “We Are You” is a team of highly skilled specialists that make the tough calls and hard decisions for our customers.  We ask only that the customer turn his ego and material life over to us.  Without reservation.  The customer then gets to relax in blissful isolation while someone else handles the problems of his life.

KOFFER: So how do you make money off this??

NIGEL: Professional fees.  We charge the customer regular, ongoing fees for the privilege of having the burden of life lifted from their shoulders.

The four investors exchange disbelieving looks.

LEDGER: What kind of fees??

NIGEL: Usually around five thousand a day.  We expect customers who hire us daily, weekly, monthly, or on an annual full-time basis at an attractive discount.

FISQWIK: (astonished) You’re offering personal management at five grand a day??  You think people will pay this kind of money??

NIGEL: To relieve mortal suffering, people will pay nearly anything Mr. Fisqwik.  “We Are You” is a way of surrendering to the pain and agony of living and getting on with the luxury of eternal bliss.

RULE: You said you want the customer to turn over their “material life.”   What does that mean?

NIGEL: It means every single asset they own or hold an interest in.  Bank accounts, real estate, homes, cars, investments.  Any and all material aspects come under the legal guardianship of the “We Are You” program.  The customer washes their hands of the messy parts of mortal life.

The investors stare in disbelief.

FISQWIK: People have actually agreed to this scheme??

NIGEL: Some.  Others we have simply taken into the program on a charitable basis.

KOFFER: This sounds like identity theft to me.  Do you ever give the client his life back?

NIGEL: Not as a rule.  Our clients are usually so relieved to be out from under the burden of living – they never ask us to return to the source of misery.

LEDGER: You’re saying that living life is the source of misery, right?

NIGEL: Of course it is.  The mere mortal is meant to suffer the horrors until the relief of death arrives.  We provide interim steps to that glorious end.

RULE: I think you’re positively insane.

FISQWIK: This borders on a criminal enterprise in my opinion.  I wouldn’t give you a dime!

KOFFER: Sounds to me like you are asking us to invest in a religious cult Mr. Stubbletern.  I am not interested!

LEDGER: You are asking people to pay you to appropriate their worldly assets??  And you call this a legitimate business?  I have a good mind to call the Inland Revenue Service, sir!

NIGEL: (smiling) Which is why we operate offshore under a veil of corporate inscrutability.

ANNOUNCER: Oh dear, that looks like four investors have said “ No thank you!” to aspirant Nigel Stubbletern’s “We Are You” program.  Thanks for playing Nigel and better luck next time in… The Hark Tank!

MUSIC: Outtro “Hark the Herald” theme.
SFX: Canned applause