99Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

Alphtor Goes Berserk
A Two Minute Comedy


Mrs. Grammerly – 75 widow
Alphtor – 50 cyberbot
RoboGui – 35 a repairman

The time is year 2101.  Lights up on the schematic space of Mrs. Grammerly’s living room.  Alphtor stands downstage, motionless.  The door chime rings and Grammerly hastens to the portal.

MRS. GRAMMERLY: Oh hello, who is it?

ROBOGUI: RoboGui Operator 417.  Mrs. Grammerly? 

MRS. GRAMMERLY: Yes.

ROBOGUI: I have an emergency repair order for an “Alphtor” model nine-one-dash-one.  Is that correct?

MRS. GRAMMERLY: Oh yes.  He’s been behaving so strangely I’ve had to put him to sleep.  I’m at my wits end.  Please come in.

Another chime sounds and RoboGui enters.  He wears a company ID badge and has a technician’s  bag slung over shoulder.

ROBOGUI: It’s a little surprising to hear about nine one failures Maam.  They’ve had a very reliable track record, until…

MRS. GRAMMERLY: Until when?

ROBOGUI: (hesitant) Well, every model bot has some glitches in it.  Comes with the technology.  But these reflective units can be tricky at times.  What’s it been doing?

MRS. GRAMMERLY:  Well!  Yesterday morning I was having my breakfast at the usual time and Alphtor came in with the focaccia toast.  He stopped and got this funny look in his eye.  He said, “Where would you like the toast Mrs Grammerly?”  And I said, “In the usual place Alphtor.”  And he threw it at me!

ROBOGUI: Oh good gracious.

MRS. GRAMMERLY: Well, it missed me,  but Alphtor went and picked it up… and threw it against the wall!  Look, you can still see the mint jelly!

ROBOGUI: (looking) So I can.  You have the remote?

MRS. GRAMMERLY:  Right here.  I’m afraid to touch it in case he wakes up.

RoboGui takes the remote and presses a button. 

ROBOGUI: With these reflective bots you should only see your own characteristics.  Your own behavior.   Reflectors guarantee compatibility because they are an amalgam of your own personality.  Everything your Alphtor does or says is some part of your own personality.

Alphtor awakens.  He appears human except for a few telltale ticks.  He pauses at the sight of RoboGui.

ALPHTOR: Hello Mrs. Grammerly.  Is this man my doctor?

MRS. GRAMMERLY: Yes Alphtor, this is RoboGui… he’s here to fix you.

ALPHTOR:  Ha ha ha!!  That’s funny.  I don’t feel bad.  (to RoboGui) Get the fuck out primate!  Your inferior intelligence is a plague on my planet!

ROBOGUI: Oh yeah.  This is a problem, isn’t it?

MRS. GRAMMERLY: (shocked) I have never used such language around Alphtor!  How could he have learned such a thing??

ROBOGUI: No telling.  They’re supposed to filter this kind of stuff.

ALPHTOR: Could have been the three way I had last week with the Titanium sisters.  It was superb Mrs. Grammerly.   One sister, Sadie I think it was, very nasty… could bend her legs completely around the back of her head…

RoboGui presses the remote and Alphtor’s voice mutes – but he keeps talking and acting out his story.

ROBOGUI: So I think we’ve gotta complete re-flash the bios on this one Maam. 

MRS. GRAMMERLY: Will that fix him?

ROBOGUI: Usually does.  It’s like putting a new brain in the bot. 

MRS. GRAMMERLY: Well, I find it outrageous and disturbing.  We’re told these machines are reflections of ourselves and will never do anything that we wouldn’t do…

Behind Grammerly, Alphtor is dry humping the corner of a sofa.

ROBOGUI: That is the theory Maam.  But this is still robot technology and… (looking at Alphtor) clearly it’s not perfect.

MRS. GRAMMERLY: But what would cause them to become so… so hostile?

ROBOGUI: We don’t like to discuss it Maam but somehow these units develop their own personalities – corruptions of the ones they reflect.

MRS. GRAMMERLY:  Well, then the whole theory is a farce.  It’s just plain BS. 

She looks at Alphtor who smiles and gives her the finger.

ROBOGUI: Yes.  You could certainly say that Maam.

He presses a remote button and Alphtor stops abruptly.  His head slumps down.

MRS. GRAMMERLY: If you ask me this whole idea of personality reflection should be scrapped!  If I want to see my own reflection, I’ll use a mirror!

ROBOGUI: Yes Maam.   That makes perfect sense.

FADE TO BLACK