23Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

Adventures in Advertising
A Two Minute Comedy

Amboy Perth  - 25, ambitious copywriter
Heft Frumaj - 50, senior copywriter

A well appointed office at BDB&O Advertising Agency in the heart of downtown Toronto. 

Perth: The thing is I am sick and tired of writing this kind of copy!  It’s been three long years on the product label desk and I am going insane!

Heft: It’s called paying your dues Perth.

Perth:  Three years in already.  When is enough, enough?

Heft: When I say so.

Perth: Look, Heft, haven’t I done everything you’ve wanted?  I don’t turn down assignments…

Heft: You do and I’ll fire you.  There’re two thousand resumes in my files.

Perth: I mean, come on,  I took the “Smelly Foot”  account and made it world class.  I invented the “White & Red Truck” campaign, I’ve got two Tweetie Awards for the “Procrastination” label and rumor is my “Double Jerk Vintners” layout is headed for back cover of Advertising Age!

Heft: You do fine work Perth.  And that’s why we need you to keep doing it.  You’re a valuable asset to us.

Perth: Look boss, I don’t mind being a team player.  I love working for the agency.  But I want to work on something more than wine bottle labels!  I got ambitions, dreams to set the world of advertising on it’s collective ass!!

Heft: And I am sure you will Perth.  It’s just not your  turn yet, see?  It works like this… You work and slave and suffer and slave some more and we pay you as little as we can and work you as hard as we can ‘til basically you’re a burn out.  Then we move you to another station where you fuck up and we fire you for being a burnout and a fuck up.  See?

Perth: That’s a kinda bleak outlook don’t you think?

Heft: You want me to varnish it and tell you you’ll get four more Tweetie Awards, a dinner at Vesuvius and a two week trip to Bermuda?

Perth: Yeah!

Heft: Well, you don’t!  We quit sending guys to Bermuda two years ago because the last four never came back. 

Perth: Heft, you know I respect you.  I wanted this job cause I knew that if I could work with the guy who created the “Whole Lotta Love” campaign - well, for me it was like working with Curt Cobain, y’know… In his prime.

Heft: Thank you.

Perth: I mean the idea of using that lyric, “I want to give you my love, I want to give you every inch of my love…” for the North American Metric Conversion Project - well, I knew right away that I was working with a genius.  A bona fide, honest to gall, genius!

Heft: Yeah okay, thanks for the butter Perth but you’re still on the label desk.

Perth: Couldn’t you give me a footwear account?  I got this great idea to combat the quality problems in China.

Heft: (bored) What’s that?

Perth: (pitching) It’s a jingle, right?  We hear the Gu Zheng string sound, ding ding dong…. Then we see a chintzy straw  sandal, with a piece of gum stuck to it, broken straps, tea stains y’know so it looks like shit…

Heft: (begging tolerance) Okay…

Perth: Suddenly there’s this giant shadow that crosses over the sandal, right?  This dark shadow gets bigger and bigger and we hear the sound of distant thunder and a kinda orchestra chord, growing louder and louder and, and  then… You ready?

Heft: (dry) Ready…

Perth: Then, we see this giant hiking boot… Like a high end Reebok, right?  This giant hiking boot comes flying down from above and STOMPS… I mean  like SQUASHES the shitty little straw sandal!  BOOM!  And then the card.  And the VO: It says: “ You’ll Never Go Wrong, If Made in Quang Dong!!”

Silence.  Heft stares.

Perth:  See, Heft, I know I was made to do more than just write label copy!

Heft: (pause) You’re probably right, there.

Perth: I know I can make a bigger contribution to the agency.

Heft: Without a doubt you can.

Perth: So, how ‘bout it?  Give me an assignment?  Something new?

Heft: (fighting the migraine) Could you come back, later?  I gotta foreign desk meeting.

Perth: (worried) Sure.  Sure, boss.  Hey thanks for the talk.  I feel like we’ve made real progress. 

Heft: And take another look at that Okanagan winery, eh?  What’d you call it?

Perth: “The Pregnant Grape?”

Heft: Yeah.  It needs a tag.

Perth:  I got it Heft.  “The Pregnant Grape - Bursting with Flavor!”

Heft: (staring) I love it.  Please go.