"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"
A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre
Lights up on the interior of Rotterveil’s hut. We HEAR a constant background of jungle drumming. Captain paces irritably.
CAPTAIN: Wimsley I will not tolerate this infernal drumming any longer!
WIMSLEY: You know Captain, you’ve already outlawed local drumming. These are not drums from our village.
CAPTAIN: Yes but it is obvious to me that you and your unruly savages are participating.
WIMSLEY: Participating Capatain?
CAPTAIN: Yes damnit! It’s rather obvious you’re getting messages from foreign savages.
WIMSLEY: Really? What kind of messages would they be?
CAPTAIN: Jungle messages!! Primitive, infernal, ungodly messages fomenting rebellion Wimsley! Don’t pretend not to know!
WIMSLEY: Captain there is little I can do to stop the “foreign savages” as you say, from expressing native rhythm and music.
CAPTAIN: Music? You call this relentless satan-inspired pounding music? It is the devil’s call to arms and I’ll not tolerate it!
WIMSLEY: The devil’s call?? That’s strident even for you Captain.
CAPTAIN: Oh? What would you call it?
WIMSLEY: An alternative means of communicating, Captain?
CAPTAIN: I don’t want any “alternatives” Wimsley. Civilization depends on a single, bonafide source of information- not a lot of miserable monkeys pounding on hollowed out tree trunks!!
WIMSLEY: What can we do to stop it?
Captain pulls two corks from his pocket and waves them in front of Winsley.
CAPTAIN: I’m going to stop your savages from listening Wimsley! With these simple ear plugs!
Captain stuffs a cork in each of his ears. He smiles triumphantly. Wimsley stares. He mouths the words. ..
WIMSLEY: That’s a fantastic idea, sir!
CAPTAIN: (frowns) What?
WIMSLEY: (mouthing) That’s a fantastic idea, sir!
CAPTAIN: (louder) What??
Stuffins approaches and yanks a cork from Captain’s ear!
STUFFINS: He’s not really talking Captain.
CAPTAIN: (confused) He’s not what??
WIMSLEY: (normal) … was saying it’s a fantastic idea Captain.
CAPTAIN: (doubtful) Yes… I have ordered two hundred ear stoppers Wimsley. I want you to issue them immediately with instructions that it is now forbidden to listen to foreign drumming.
WIMSLEY: Of course Captain. But how will they listen to your daily inspirational address?
CAPTAIN: (angry) Don’t play the fool, Winsley! They will remove the stoppers during my address!
WIMSLEY: A unique form of censorship Captain.
CAPTAIN: Not censorship Wimsley. A selective program of education. Your savages will hear the news and information they need to hear and not a lot of rebellious agitprop from the fringe.
WIMSLEY: Your news and information consists of hysterical propaganda centered on vengeful acts of god. Preaching Revelation to an aboriginal population is disingenuous.
CAPTAIN: The aboriginal population is filled with primitive savagery Wimsley. They don’t know better than to attack, fight and maraud. A little fear of god will tame them!
WIMSLEY: One question Captain. What happens when the truth comes out? That your entire campaign is exaggerated fabrication?
CAPTAIN: In the end my campaign will help save the lives of your savages. The greater good, Wimsley!
WIMSLEY: In the very end you will be called to answer for your actions, Captain.
CAPTAIN: Very well. Here…Your stoppers.
Captain offers Wimsley a pair of corks. Wimsley inserts them in his ears. Stuffins follows suit.
WIMSLEY: (loud) They seem to do an admirable job, Captain!
CAPTAIN: No need to yell, Wimsley!
WIMSLEY: (loud) I’m sorry, sir? Could you say that again?
CAPTAIN: I said, there’s no need to yell Wimsley.
WIMSLEY: (loud) Sorry… You’re going to hell, Captain??
Captain bristles, and yanks a cork from Wimsley’s ear.
CAPTAIN: (angry) You heard me “Chief”! Now get out there and start stopping the ears of your savages!
WIMSLEY: (wincing) No need to yell, Captain!
CAPTAIN: Right! Stuffins? Stuffins?
Stuffins has turned away. Captain comes up behind him and yanks the corks from his ears.
CAPTAIN: (yelling) Stuffins! See to it that Wimsley has the full store of corks at once!
STUFFINS: (wincing) No need to yell sir!
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