83Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

Infernal Drumming 

A Two Minute Comedy



Captain Rotterveil     


Sergeant Stuffins 


Lights up on the interior of Rotterveil’s hut.  We HEAR a constant background of jungle drumming.  Captain paces irritably.   

CAPTAIN: Wimsley I will not tolerate this infernal drumming any longer!

WIMSLEY: You know Captain, you’ve already outlawed local drumming.  These are not drums from our village.  

 CAPTAIN: Yes but it is obvious to me that you and your unruly savages are participating.

WIMSLEY: Participating Capatain?

CAPTAIN: Yes damnit!  It’s rather obvious you’re getting messages from foreign savages.

WIMSLEY: Really?  What kind of messages would they be?

CAPTAIN: Jungle messages!!  Primitive, infernal, ungodly messages fomenting rebellion Wimsley!  Don’t pretend not to know!

WIMSLEY: Captain there is little I can do to stop the “foreign savages” as you say, from expressing native rhythm and music.

CAPTAIN: Music?  You call this relentless satan-inspired pounding music?  It is the devil’s call to arms and I’ll not tolerate it!

WIMSLEY: The devil’s call??  That’s strident even for you Captain.

CAPTAIN: Oh?  What would you call it?

WIMSLEY: An alternative means of communicating, Captain?

CAPTAIN: I don’t want any “alternatives” Wimsley.  Civilization depends on a single, bonafide source of information- not a lot of miserable monkeys pounding on hollowed out tree trunks!!

WIMSLEY: What can we do to stop it? 

Captain pulls two corks from his pocket and waves them in front of Winsley. 

CAPTAIN: I’m going to stop your savages from listening Wimsley!  With these simple ear plugs! 

Captain stuffs a cork in each of his ears.  He smiles triumphantly.  Wimsley stares.  He mouths the words. .. 

WIMSLEY: That’s a fantastic idea, sir!   

CAPTAIN: (frowns) What?

WIMSLEY: (mouthing) That’s a fantastic idea, sir!

CAPTAIN: (louder) What?? 

Stuffins approaches and yanks a cork from Captain’s ear! 

STUFFINS: He’s not really talking Captain.

CAPTAIN: (confused) He’s not what??

WIMSLEY: (normal) … was saying it’s a fantastic idea Captain.

CAPTAIN: (doubtful) Yes… I have ordered two hundred ear stoppers Wimsley.  I want you to issue them immediately with instructions that it is now forbidden to listen to foreign drumming.

WIMSLEY: Of course Captain.  But how will they listen to your daily inspirational address?

CAPTAIN: (angry) Don’t play the fool, Winsley!  They will remove the stoppers during my address! 

WIMSLEY: A unique form of censorship Captain.

CAPTAIN: Not censorship Wimsley. A selective program of education.  Your savages will hear the news and information they need to hear and not a lot of  rebellious agitprop from the fringe. 

WIMSLEY: Your news and information consists of hysterical propaganda centered on vengeful acts of god.  Preaching Revelation to an aboriginal population is disingenuous.

CAPTAIN: The aboriginal population is filled with primitive savagery Wimsley.  They don’t know better than to attack, fight and maraud.  A little  fear of god will tame them!

WIMSLEY: One question Captain.  What happens when the truth comes out?  That your entire campaign is exaggerated fabrication?

CAPTAIN: In the end my campaign will help save the lives of your savages.  The greater good, Wimsley!

WIMSLEY: In the very end you will be called to answer for your actions, Captain.

CAPTAIN: Very well.  Here…Your stoppers. 

Captain offers Wimsley a pair of corks.  Wimsley inserts them in his ears.  Stuffins follows suit. 

WIMSLEY: (loud) They seem to do an admirable job, Captain!

CAPTAIN: No need to yell, Wimsley!

WIMSLEY: (loud) I’m sorry, sir?  Could you say that again?

CAPTAIN: I said, there’s no need to yell Wimsley.

WIMSLEY: (loud) Sorry… You’re going to hell, Captain??

Captain bristles, and yanks a cork from Wimsley’s ear. 

CAPTAIN: (angry) You heard me “Chief”!  Now get out there and start stopping the ears of your savages!

WIMSLEY: (wincing) No need to yell, Captain!

CAPTAIN: Right!  Stuffins?  Stuffins? 

Stuffins has turned away.  Captain comes up behind him and yanks the corks from his ears. 

CAPTAIN: (yelling) Stuffins!  See to it that Wimsley has the full store of corks at once!

STUFFINS: (wincing) No need to yell sir!