"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"
A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre
Postmark - Valentine
A Two Minute Comedy
Steve – 30s
Marcie – 30s
The Chef – 50s
Lights up on Marcie in a morning robe puttering around the kitchen. She carefully sets a bright red greeting card envelope on the breakfast table. Enter Steve. He yawns and scratches and pecks her cheek.
STEVE: Morning sweetie. Beautiful day isn’t it?
MARCIE: Yes it is. You sleep okay?
STEVE: Don’t you notice? Two times I had to pee. And I quit drinking coffee yesterday at 3PM. I dunno what it is…
Marcie pauses and watches her husband. He wanders past the greeting card, oblivious.
MARCIE: Well, maybe it’s not just the coffee. I think you should go in for a checkup. You might have something wrong with your bladder.
STEVE: Oh don’t say that Marcie. I got enough troubles without a friggin bladder problem.
He sits down at the table to drink his coffee. Marcie watches. He’s blind to the card.
STEVE: If it was my bladder how do they fix that?
MARCIE: (miffed) I dunno… Remove the cataracts?
STEVE: (pause) Huh?
MARCIE: (exasperated) For God’s sake Steven look in front of you!
Steven stares at the envelope. A look of panic crosses his face.
STEVE: Oh look. A card. (to Marcie) For me?
MARCIE: No. I married the postman yesterday – it’s for him.
STEVE: This is a card for me because it is one of my favorite days of the year isn’t it?
MARCIE: I don’t know Steve. Is it? Or did you forget again that it’s Valentine’s Day?
STEVE: (panicked) How could I forget a little… an important thing like that?
He smiles at Marcie. She stares.
MARCIE: You forgot. (dismissive) Never mind. It’s not important. Why should I think my presence in your life would cause some outpouring of affection?
STEVE: Marcie honey… (improvising) You may think I don’t notice these things but… You are going to be surprised.
MARCIE: Oh? How?
STEVE: (improvising) How? Well, you're going to be surprised. (pause) When… the mail comes today!
MARCIE: You mailed me a Valentine’s card??
STEVE: I mailed you a Valentine’s package! Because I was thinking ahead about how much I love you.
MARCIE: (doubtful) Really?
He rises and hugs her.
STEVE: Honey, why would I lie about that???
Lights up on The Chef sitting at a table in shadows. Steve stands before him. He is desperate.
CHEF: (gruff) You got an account for this job??
STEVE: No, No. It’s not a job. It’s a favor. Please. I’m desperate.
CHEF: Let’s see it.
Steve hands Chef a box of Valentine candy.
CHEF: Oh yeah. Forgot to send the wife a Valentine eh?
STEVE: Yes. No. I… Look can you do it?
CHEF: Can I change a friggin postmark? Can a dog pee on a hydrant?? I can make it any date or time you want. You want it to come from Paris, Istanbul, Geneva? How you think I stay in business? These days with emails and shit half my jobs are changing dates and data. You know who my biggest clients are?
CHEF: Government. ABC, DEF, Parliament, White House, you name it. And lawyers. Government lawyers are the best. ICBC in Canada - I get stuff by the boatload.
STEVE: How much?
CHEF: Seven fifty.
STEVE: (stunned) Dollars??
CHEF: It’s the weekend. (pause) Or you could just tell her you lied.
CHEF: I also got videos…
Lights up in the kitchen. Steve enters carrying the mail. He kisses Marcie on the cheek.
STEVE: Guess what I found in the mail today?
MARCIE: An electric razor.
Steve hands her the box of chocolates wrapped in shiny paper. She looks at it.
MARCIE: You know I didn’t really believe you. Francine’s husband tried the mail excuse last year but she checked for a postmark and discovered he was lying.
STEVE: That’s dishonest Marcie. I mailed this two days ago… Go ahead and look.
Marcie puts on reading glasses and reads the postmark. She slowly takes them off.
MARCIE: Is this some kind of a joke, Steve?
STEVE: (worried) No. It’s proof. I mailed it two days ago.
MARCIE: Yeah? From Geneva???
MARCIE: What do you have to say for yourself, Steve?
STEVE: (hopeful) I am a feckless liar too proud to admit wrong??
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