97Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

Postmark - Valentine

A Two Minute Comedy



Steve  – 30s

Marcie – 30s

The Chef – 50s


Lights up on Marcie in a morning robe puttering around the kitchen.  She carefully sets a bright red greeting card envelope on the breakfast table.  Enter Steve.  He yawns and scratches and pecks her cheek. 


STEVE: Morning sweetie.  Beautiful day isn’t it? 


MARCIE: Yes it is.  You sleep okay?


STEVE: Don’t you notice?  Two times I had to pee.  And I quit drinking coffee yesterday at 3PM.  I dunno what it is…


Marcie pauses and watches her husband.  He wanders past the greeting card, oblivious.


MARCIE: Well, maybe it’s not just the coffee.  I think you should go in for a checkup.  You might have something wrong with your bladder.


STEVE: Oh don’t say that Marcie.  I got enough troubles without a friggin bladder problem.


He sits down at the table to drink his coffee.  Marcie watches.  He’s blind to the card.


STEVE: If it was my bladder how do they fix that? 


MARCIE: (miffed) I dunno… Remove the cataracts?


STEVE: (pause) Huh? 


MARCIE: (exasperated) For God’s sake Steven look in front of you!


Steven stares at the envelope.  A look of panic crosses his face. 


STEVE: Oh look.  A card.  (to Marcie) For me?


MARCIE: No.  I married the postman yesterday – it’s for him.


STEVE: This is a card for me because it is one of my favorite days of the year isn’t it?


MARCIE: I don’t know Steve.  Is it?  Or did you forget again that it’s Valentine’s Day?


STEVE: (panicked) How could I forget a little… an important thing like that? 


He  smiles at Marcie.  She stares.


MARCIE: You forgot.  (dismissive) Never mind.  It’s not important.  Why should I think my presence in your life would cause some outpouring of affection? 


STEVE: Marcie honey… (improvising) You may think I don’t notice these things but… You are going to be surprised.


MARCIE: Oh?  How?


STEVE: (improvising) How?  Well, you're going to be surprised.  (pause) When… the mail comes today!


MARCIE: You mailed me a Valentine’s card?? 


STEVE: I mailed you a Valentine’s package!  Because I was thinking ahead about how much I love you.


MARCIE: (doubtful) Really?


He rises and hugs her.


STEVE: Honey, why would I lie about that???




Lights up on The Chef  sitting at a table in shadows.  Steve stands before him.  He is desperate.


CHEF: (gruff) You got an account for this job??


STEVE: No, No.  It’s not a job.  It’s a favor.  Please.   I’m desperate. 


CHEF: Let’s see it.


Steve hands Chef a box of Valentine candy. 


CHEF: Oh yeah.  Forgot to send the wife a Valentine eh?


STEVE: Yes.  No.  I… Look can you do it? 


CHEF: Can I change a friggin postmark?  Can a dog pee on a hydrant??  I can make it any date or time you want.  You want it to come from Paris, Istanbul, Geneva?  How you think I stay in business?  These days with emails and shit half my jobs are changing dates and data.  You know who my biggest clients are?




CHEF: Government.  ABC, DEF, Parliament, White House, you name it.  And lawyers.  Government lawyers are the best.  ICBC in Canada - I get stuff by the boatload.


STEVE: How much?


CHEF: Seven fifty.


STEVE: (stunned) Dollars??


CHEF: It’s the weekend. (pause) Or you could just tell her you lied.


Steve stares.


CHEF: I also got videos…




Lights up in the kitchen.  Steve enters carrying the mail.  He kisses Marcie on the cheek. 


STEVE: Guess what I found in the mail today?


MARCIE: An electric razor.


Steve hands her the box of chocolates wrapped in shiny paper.  She looks at it.


MARCIE: You know I didn’t really believe you.  Francine’s husband tried the mail excuse last year but she checked for a postmark and discovered he was lying.


STEVE: That’s dishonest Marcie.  I mailed this two days ago… Go ahead and look.


Marcie puts on reading glasses and reads the postmark.  She slowly takes them off.


MARCIE: Is this some kind of a joke, Steve?


STEVE: (worried) No.  It’s proof.  I mailed it two days ago.


MARCIE: Yeah?  From Geneva???


Steve stares.


MARCIE: What do you have to say for yourself, Steve?


Long pause.

STEVE: (hopeful) I am a feckless liar too proud to admit wrong??