97Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre


Postmark - Valentine

A Two Minute Comedy

 

CAST:

Steve  – 30s

Marcie – 30s

The Chef – 50s

 

Lights up on Marcie in a morning robe puttering around the kitchen.  She carefully sets a bright red greeting card envelope on the breakfast table.  Enter Steve.  He yawns and scratches and pecks her cheek. 

 

STEVE: Morning sweetie.  Beautiful day isn’t it? 

 

MARCIE: Yes it is.  You sleep okay?

 

STEVE: Don’t you notice?  Two times I had to pee.  And I quit drinking coffee yesterday at 3PM.  I dunno what it is…

 

Marcie pauses and watches her husband.  He wanders past the greeting card, oblivious.

 

MARCIE: Well, maybe it’s not just the coffee.  I think you should go in for a checkup.  You might have something wrong with your bladder.

 

STEVE: Oh don’t say that Marcie.  I got enough troubles without a friggin bladder problem.

 

He sits down at the table to drink his coffee.  Marcie watches.  He’s blind to the card.

 

STEVE: If it was my bladder how do they fix that? 

 

MARCIE: (miffed) I dunno… Remove the cataracts?

 

STEVE: (pause) Huh? 

 

MARCIE: (exasperated) For God’s sake Steven look in front of you!

 

Steven stares at the envelope.  A look of panic crosses his face. 

 

STEVE: Oh look.  A card.  (to Marcie) For me?

 

MARCIE: No.  I married the postman yesterday – it’s for him.

 

STEVE: This is a card for me because it is one of my favorite days of the year isn’t it?

 

MARCIE: I don’t know Steve.  Is it?  Or did you forget again that it’s Valentine’s Day?

 

STEVE: (panicked) How could I forget a little… an important thing like that? 

 

He  smiles at Marcie.  She stares.

 

MARCIE: You forgot.  (dismissive) Never mind.  It’s not important.  Why should I think my presence in your life would cause some outpouring of affection? 

 

STEVE: Marcie honey… (improvising) You may think I don’t notice these things but… You are going to be surprised.

 

MARCIE: Oh?  How?

 

STEVE: (improvising) How?  Well, you're going to be surprised.  (pause) When… the mail comes today!

 

MARCIE: You mailed me a Valentine’s card?? 

 

STEVE: I mailed you a Valentine’s package!  Because I was thinking ahead about how much I love you.

 

MARCIE: (doubtful) Really?

 

He rises and hugs her.

 

STEVE: Honey, why would I lie about that???

 

BLACKOUT

 

Lights up on The Chef  sitting at a table in shadows.  Steve stands before him.  He is desperate.

 

CHEF: (gruff) You got an account for this job??

 

STEVE: No, No.  It’s not a job.  It’s a favor.  Please.   I’m desperate. 

 

CHEF: Let’s see it.

 

Steve hands Chef a box of Valentine candy. 

 

CHEF: Oh yeah.  Forgot to send the wife a Valentine eh?

 

STEVE: Yes.  No.  I… Look can you do it? 

 

CHEF: Can I change a friggin postmark?  Can a dog pee on a hydrant??  I can make it any date or time you want.  You want it to come from Paris, Istanbul, Geneva?  How you think I stay in business?  These days with emails and shit half my jobs are changing dates and data.  You know who my biggest clients are?

 

STEVE: No.

 

CHEF: Government.  ABC, DEF, Parliament, White House, you name it.  And lawyers.  Government lawyers are the best.  ICBC in Canada - I get stuff by the boatload.

 

STEVE: How much?

 

CHEF: Seven fifty.

 

STEVE: (stunned) Dollars??

 

CHEF: It’s the weekend. (pause) Or you could just tell her you lied.

 

Steve stares.

 

CHEF: I also got videos…

 

BLACKOUT

 

Lights up in the kitchen.  Steve enters carrying the mail.  He kisses Marcie on the cheek. 

 

STEVE: Guess what I found in the mail today?

 

MARCIE: An electric razor.

 

Steve hands her the box of chocolates wrapped in shiny paper.  She looks at it.

 

MARCIE: You know I didn’t really believe you.  Francine’s husband tried the mail excuse last year but she checked for a postmark and discovered he was lying.

 

STEVE: That’s dishonest Marcie.  I mailed this two days ago… Go ahead and look.

 

Marcie puts on reading glasses and reads the postmark.  She slowly takes them off.

 

MARCIE: Is this some kind of a joke, Steve?

 

STEVE: (worried) No.  It’s proof.  I mailed it two days ago.

 

MARCIE: Yeah?  From Geneva???

 

Steve stares.

 

MARCIE: What do you have to say for yourself, Steve?

 

Long pause.


STEVE: (hopeful) I am a feckless liar too proud to admit wrong??


BLACKOUT