95Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre


A Happy New Year!
A Two Minute Comedy

CAST:
Captain Rotterveil
Whimsley (in tribal garb)
Sergeant Stuffins

Lights up inside Rotterveil’s hut.  It is tackily decorated for a New Year’s party.  The men are  wearing party hats and rehearsing “Auld Lang Seine” on kazoos.   It sounds ragged at best and the Captain is losing patience.

CAPTAIN:  No, No, NO!!  Stuffins, have you a TIN EAR??  It’s “Should old acquaintance be forgot and never come to mind…  (blows kazoo note)  Mind?  Have you got that??

STUFFINS: Right sir!  Sorry sir!  I was just thinking about the words sir… “Never come to mine.”  What kind of a mine is they referring to, Captain? 

WHIMSLEY: (helpful) Most likely a gold mine wouldn’t it be Captain?  Or it could be a silver mine.  Both are very attractive to old world sentiment…

CAPTAIN: (irritated) Enough Whimsley!!  Stuffins, IF you cannot play a simple tune on a simple instrument you shall be dismissed! 

WHIMSLEY: Are you saying Stuffins is not simple Captain??

CAPTAIN: Shuttup Whimsley!  I am looking for musical prowess not a smart alec from Doneghy!

WHIMSLEY: Shall we go again??

They play the last stanza.   Stuffins adds a creative flourish.  Unimpressed, the Captain SMACKS him!

WHIMSLEY: Are you sure a New Year’s celebration is a good idea Captain??

CAPTAIN: Yes I am.  It is important to demonstrate the largess of the Crown, the office of authority - yours truly - and the celebratory nature of the season!

WHIMSLEY: But Pygmies don’t celebrate a New Year Captain.  The entire idea of the Roman calendar is alien to them.

CAPTAIN: And that is what must change Whimsley!  It is my firm belief that teaching the primitives the basics of time and logic will lead to greater acceptance of  civilization.  The very idea that the past is gone and the new is here will help the little devils accept the changes we impose on them!!

STUFFINS: That’s a right capital idea, Captain!  The savages love any reason to dance around and chuck spears!!

WHIMSLEY: Except that you’ve taken away their spears and outlawed dancing. 

CAPTAIN: There will be no spear chucking at this party gentlemen!  This is to be an exercise in civility.  Civility, I dare say, that is somewhat lacking in your leadership Whimsley.

WHIMSLEY: I beg your pardon Captain.  It is uncivilized to imprison nomadic people and remove their means of survival.  That is the height of incivility.

CAPTAIN: Watch your tone Whimsley.  You serve as Pygmy tribal chief only at my pleasure.  A pleasure I remind you that should not be trampled upon.  Now then, as a sign of good will and to encourage celebration we shall distribute these party favors…

Captain blows into a paper noise maker.  Stuffins whose back is turned, SHRIEKS. 

WHIMSLEY:  Captain, I suggest that a New Year’s hunt would be far more welcome by the tribe.  It’s their way of making a living and worthy of real celebration.

CAPTAIN: Way ahead of you Whimsley.  Along with the New Year’s party and favors I am ordering an extra ration of peanut butter for each and every tribesman!  Important they learn good behavior has its rewards!

STUFFINS: That’s generous it is Captain.  I know how much the savages loves peanut butter!

WHIMSLEY: Only because you trade it for their jewelry, Stuffins.

STUFFINS: (offended) That’s a lie!

CAPTAIN: (smacks Stuffins) Enough!  Let’s rehearse the opening one more time…

WHIMSLEY: I am not sure the tribesman will appreciate this music Captain.

CAPTAIN: Of course they will Whimsley.  It is the festive sound of new beginnings!

They play Auld Lang Seine.  Stuffins suddenly hit’s a high note and starts to SHRIEK!!

CAPTAIN: (angry) What the devil is it now Stuffins???

Stuffins turns around to reveal a dozen blow darts in the back of his head.  Whimsley looks philosophical.

WHIMSLEY: Then again, music does put one in a festive mood.

BLACK OUT