94Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

Lend a Hand
A Two Minute Comedy

A Iddy: A man in long robes
B Iddy: A man in long robes

Lights up on a lovely garden.  Birds chirp.  Insects buzz.  The two men stroll.

A Iddy: I absolutely love what you’ve done with the garden!

B Iddy: Yes, it is quite lovely isn’t it?  The horticulturist says it is ninety nine percent accurate.

A Iddy: (looking around) Unless someone told me I would never guess it's a reproduction.

B Iddy: A very few animal species and some forms of microbial life are all that’s missing.

A Iddy: Animal species missing?  I thought you had samples of the entire kingdom.

B Iddy: We do, but we had to recreate a few that had gone extinct.  Genetic incubation does not qualify as one hundred percent natural.

A sudden SHRIEK and a MAN wearing a business suit drops from the sky, dangling upside down from a rope around his leg.  A and B Iddy stop.

MAN: Help! Help!  I am caught in a bloody trap!!

A Iddy: What in the world is this?

B Iddy: (surprised) This is our human specimen.  Looks like he stumbled into one of the traps.

A Iddy: Really?  You mean this is part of the habitat?

B Iddy: Yes.  We build hazards and obstacles into the environment.  Part of the “Adversity Builds Character Program.”

MAN:  Help! Help!  Bloody trappers!!

A Iddy: Let’s give him a hand.

B Iddy: Oh no.  Mustn’t do that.  Violates the Prime Directive.

A Iddy: But he’s obviously in trouble.

MAN:  Help!  Help!  I’m losing circulation in my foot!

B Iddy: No… The Directive is very clear on this.  Any outside assistance to native species is strictly forbidden.

A: (embarrassed) Yes, but we’re standing right next to him!  It seems a bit callous don’t you think?

B Iddy: Oh he can’t see us.  He is blind to us.  Makes observation all the less intrusive.

MAN:  Oh for God’s sake, who puts a friggin snare trap in a public park??? 

A Iddy: Then, if we don’t help him and there are no other human beings around…

B Iddy: There are other humans but they are Repros subject to the Directive.  He’ll have to get himself out of this or die.   It’s an authentic test.

A Iddy: (perplexed) You think? 

B Iddy: Oh yes.  Simple evolution.  If this one perishes we’ll replace him with another specimen.  The one that survives will reproduce.  Fascinating process actually.  Rather like growing a good tomato!

A Iddy: But it is not an authentic test.  Because there are none of his own to lend assistance.

B Iddy: (disparaging) His “own” are selfish, hostile creatures.  And lending assistance is not our purpose.  It is self-reliance.  These little challenges test a species’ ability to overcome adversity.

MAN:  (angry) Whoever you are you’re sick and twisted!!  Only very sick people would do this!!

A Iddy: Well, I think we should help the man.  I just don’t feel right about this.

B Iddy: Think of it like a mission of mercy.  By encouraging self-reliance you’re reinforcing good values.

A Iddy: How is there value in letting a man suffer and die by artificial means??   If his own species ignored his pleas, that’s one thing.  But this is an artificial environment. 

B Iddy: He doesn’t know that.  This is natural selection, accelerated.

A Iddy: I’m sorry B, I simply cannot accept that.  It isn’t good!

B Iddy: (shrugs) If you want to help him, go ahead.

A Iddy waves a hand and the MAN drops to the ground, with a THUD!  He sits up dazed, and looks at the rope.

MAN: Ah, rope broke… Thank God for that!  Someone around here has an effed up sense of humor.

A Iddy: (wry) I think he’s speaking of you B Iddy.

The lights BLACK OUT.  Two spotlights come on A and B Iddy.

DEEP VOICE: B Iddy… I’d like to see you in the sanctuary for a moment.

B Iddy: (worried) Who?  Me??

VOICE:  Is there another B there??

B Iddy: (more worried) No???  Have I done something… wrong?

VOICE: What do you think…

B Iddy hesitates, then walks slowly toward the exit and we: