93Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

A Rotterveil Christmas
A Two Minute Comedy

Captain Rotterveil
Wraith - Ghost of Christmas

Interior Captain Rotterveil’s hut.  Night.  An ominous chorus of jungle sounds.  Captain sleeps restlessly, tossing and turning.  Silently, from the shadows, a Wraith appears.  It drifts to Captain’s bed, hovering near him.  Captain suddenly sits bolt upright!

CAPTAIN: Who goes there??

Captain squints into the dark.

CAPTAIN: I say who goes there??  What are you doing in my hut??

WRAITH: (echo) I am the ghost of Christmas, Captain. 

CAPTAIN:  Yes?  What the devil are you doing in my hut?

WRAITH: I am here to show you your future…And your past.

CAPTAIN: (angry)  Oh, you are?  I will show you the business end of my Webley if you do not leave at once!

Captain reaches for his sidearm.   But it disappears in a FLASH!

WRAITH: Weapons are of no use Captain.  You must watch and listen.

CAPTAIN: (stunned) I don’t know how you did that but whoever you are you shall be locked in my stockade after I call the guards.

WRAITH: They'll not hear you Captain.  No one can hear you but I.

CAPTAIN: Yes?  We’ll see about that!  (shouting) Stuffins!  Stuffins call the guards!  There’s a hostile creature in my hut!!

There is only silence and jungle sounds.  The Wraith moves closer.

WRAITH: (dry) Oh dear… No answer.

CAPTAIN: (worried) What the dickens gives you permission to come in here??

WRAITH: It is Christmas time.  I am the ghost of Christmas.

CAPTAIN: Yes?  I thought there were three of you. Past, present and future.

WRAITH: We’ve consolidated.  I am all three. (harsh) You have been unfaithful to the truth Captain Rotterveil!  You have hidden and fabricated and manipulated truth, to gain power. 

CAPTAIN: That… That’s simply not right.  I have acted on behalf of the Crown and  followed orders! 

WRAITH: Look upon yourself…

Lights change and an image of Rotterveil appears suspended in the air.  The image speaks…

CAPTAIN'S IMAGE: We are dealing with raw, untamed heathens, Stuffins!  These are people who are incapable of knowing right from wrong, or good from evil.  They are born in evil and practice evil, and if we are to triumph we must use every trick to break them of their evil ways!

CAPTAIN: (nervous) This is taken entirely out of context…

WRAITH: Watch!

CAPTAIN'S IMAGE: The idea Stuffins is to scare the devil out of them.  The quickest avenue to change is fear!  Fear is our best weapon!  They must be afraid that bad behavior results in punishment, pain, and the eternal fires of Hell!!

CAPTAIN: But there’s nothing wrong with teaching the Christian bible!

Wraith signals for silence, points to the Image.

CAPTAIN'S IMAGE: Of course once the savages are fearful enough they will give up the gold and silver we know they’re hiding!  This will make us the most powerful force in Africa!

CAPTAIN:  (sputtering) This is utterly outrageous… (searching for name) Ghost!  They have been hoarding the wealth!  You suggest I have only self interest at stake and not the interest of the primitives!  We are here to civilize them!  That is a noble cause!

Wraith points a bony finger at the Image.

CAPTAIN'S IMAGE: (repeating) This will make us the most powerful force in Africa!

Captain stares.  Wraith looks at him.

CAPTAIN: (pause, defeated) Yes, well perhaps we need to rethink our campaign… Perhaps we can be a little more forthright.  But… what has any of this to do with Christmas, for God‘s sake?

WRAITH: The way, the truth and the life.  No man comes to the Father but by these. 

Captain stares.

WRAITH: Merry Christmas, Captain.

The Wraith fades into the night.  And we HEAR the sound of sleigh bells receding.  Captain is shaken.  He listens.

CAPTAIN: Merry Christmas indeed…