92Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre


Swamedy
A Two Minute Comedy


CAST:
Pachurai - 40, meditation master
Incana - 20s aspirant
Seeouri - 20s
aspirant
Tamaka - 30s aspirant
Newscaster - OS (different voices)
Rudy - 50

Lights up on Pachurai center stage, seated in the lotus position.  He wears a forest green  chemise.  A sitar plays in the background.  Birds.  It is a peaceful setting.  There is a sudden CRACKLE of static and the sitar is interrupted by a radio news report.

NEWSCASTER: This is the BBC World News… Reports are being received from East Mundani that spiritual leader and guru swami Satchinanda Bettim Malaskera was arrested today… while robbing a bank.  The details of the robbery are still sketchy but eye witness reports say the swami entered the bank early afternoon and demanded a teller put money in a paper bag. 

Pachurai is frowning.  He rises and moves upstage as the newscaster continues…

NEWSCASTER: When the teller refused, the swami reportedly took out a machete and threatened the teller.  Eye witnesses say that bank customers then jumped the swami and wrestled the weapon from his hands.  He is reported to have yelled the words “Muktunai, Babatospin, Beedlejus!!”  or something like that…

Pachurai bends over an old fashioned radio.  The Newscaster is replaced by sitar music.   Pachurai pauses, starts downstage to his meditation spot…

NEWSCASTER: We are sorry to interrupt this program for a CBC news flash from the peaceful nation of East Mundani… Beloved spiritual leader swami Satchinanda Bettim Malaskera was reportedly arrested today while robbing a bank.  The details of the robbery are still sketchy but eye witness reports say the swami entered the bank in the…

Pachurai quickly returns to the radio and changes the station.  Sitar music returns and Pachurai relaxes.  He starts back downstage when…

NEWSCASTER: This is Sky Radio with an astonishing news story just breaking.  Satchinanda Bettim Malaskera noted swami and spiritual guru was arrested just hours ago in his homeland of East Mundani apparently while robbing a bank!  Yes, you heard that correctly.  While robbing…

Pachurai, irritated lurches to the radio and changes the station.  Sitar music returns.  Pachurai hesitates, takes a deep breath, and cautiously starts back downstage…

NEWSCASTER: This is a breaking story from ABC News in New York.  Satchinanda Bettim Malaskera, world famous guru and spiritual leader…

Pachurai lunges for the radio and shuts it off.  Incana enters excitedly.  She approaches Pachurai.


INCANA: Pachurai, Pachurai!  I have some disturbing news!  It is all over the television… Swami Satchinanda Bettim Malaskera has be arrested for robbing a bank!  Can you believe this?  It must be a mistake!

Pachurai stares at her.

INCANA: Pachurai quick turn on the radio, it’s on right now…

Pachurai YANKS the cord to the radio from its socket and stares at Incana.

PACHURAI: I do not want to hear of it.

INCANA: But Pachurai this is important news.  For decades now we have given our hearts and minds to swami Malaskera.  If the news is true we have all made a horrid mistake.  We have been taken in by a deceitful man!

PACHURAI: Silence!!  I have heard enough!  I will not hear this attack on our swami!

Seeouri enters with a cell phone in hand.  She hastens to Pachurai.

SEEOURI:  Pachurai, Pachirai I am weak with despair!  The news of our beloved Satchinanda Bettim, he is a criminal!!  How can this be??

PACHURAI: (angry) Silence!! 

SEEOURI:  But it is all across the internet Pachurai!!  Look…

She shows him her cell phone.  He grabs it angrily and throws it offstage!  Tamaka enters with a newspaper.  He joins the others excitedly. 

TAMAKA: Dear Pachurai, Seeouri, Incana!  There is grave news here in the newspaper about our most high and wise guru Satchinanda…

He opens the paper to reveal a headline: "SNATCHinanda Steals Show!! " Pachurai grabs the paper and tears it to pieces!

PACHURAI: I will not have this heresy in my house!   It is blasphemy!  Lies and fabrications!

Enter Rudy.  He seems bewildered. 

RUDY: Master Pachurai, the cab driver just told me our leader Satchinanda Bettim Malaskera is a bank robber!  Have you heard anything about this??

Utterly exasperated, Pachurai hauls back and PUNCHES Rudy!- knocking him out cold!  There is stunned silence.  Pachurai struggles to recover his composure.

PACHURAI: We shall cleanse all thoughts of this heresy from our minds.  Understood??

ALL: Yes Pachurai.  Ommmm...

FADE TO BLACK