91Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

To Hell With Dancing
A Two Minute Comedy

Captain Rotterveil
Sergeant Stuffins
Chief Wimsley

Inside Rotterveil’s jungle hut.  There is an easel with a large chart showing an upward line graph.  Center stage is a white hospital screen behind which we can see nothing.  Captain is pacing.  Stuffins looks on, a bit confused.

CAPTAIN: Stuffins it is of paramount importance that this presentation be impeccable.  Our next year’s exploratory budget relies on it.

STUFFINS: If I may be so bold Captain, sir… Why is we trying to educate the Pygmies in the first place?

CAPTAIN: It should be obvious Stuffins.  Our mission is to colonize the deepest darkest regions of this continent.  Our strategy is to dissuade the savages from their primitive instincts and bring them to civilized, Christian belief.  We teach them rules.

STUFFINS: You mean rules like Pygmy dress code, and the “No Dancing” order?

CAPTAIN: Precisely Stuffins, precisely!  The more progress we show, the greater our budget allocation next year.   Now then, let’s rehearse our “No Dancing” dramaticus shall we?

STUFFINS: Straight away, Captain.  Should I call in Wimsley?

CAPTAIN:  Of course Stuffins.  (slyly) It’s Chief Wimsley’s participation that makes this demonstration so damned effective! 

STUFFINS: (yells offstage) Wimsley, get in here!

Wimsley enters carrying a set of bongo drums.  He stares at the line graph.

WIMSLEY: (impressed) You’re absolutely correct Captain.   The projections do look better upside down!

CAPTAIN: (annoyed) Thank you Wimsley.  Now as discussed, in our little drama you will play the native beat, Stuffins will play the dancing Pygmies, and I shall demonstrate the even hand of the Crown.

WIMSLEY: There is no hand better for the job Captain!

Wimsley bangs out a rhythm.  Stuffins pulls on a Pygmy mask, picks up a spear, and begins to gyrate. 

CAPTAIN: Come on Stuffins, put some vigor in it!  You’re supposed to be a wild Pygmy!

Stuffins amplifies his gyrations, causing himself great pain. 

CAPTAIN: Damnit Stuffins!  Dance like a proper savage!

Captain whacks him with his swagger stick!  Stuffins shrieks!

STUFFINS: It’s me trick knee Captain.  Never know when it’s gonna go out!

WIMSLEY: Am I playing savage enough, Captain?

CAPTAIN: Do not mock this exercise Wimsley.  It’ll make a big impression on the natives.

WIMSLEY:  Yes sir, Captain.

CAPTAIN:  Now then, on my signal you both halt! 

Captain dramatically raises his hand in front of Stuffins.  Stuffins and Wimsley halt. 

CAPTAIN: (reading) By order of the Queens constable Captain C.S. Rotterveil, you are hereby commanded to stop dancing!  From this time forward performance of native rituals are declared un-Christian and illegal!  Any performance of dancing rituals shall be severely punished!

WIMSLEY: Now, Captain??

CAPTAIN: (stage whisper) Yes NOW, Wimsley!

WIMSLEY: (high pitched) What kind of punishment Captain Rotterveil??

CAPTAIN: (annoyed) Excellent question Chief Wimsley…

Captain drags Stuffins behind the hospital screen.  We hear a scratchy recording of bombastic music.  Stuffins begins to SHRIEK!  Captain rolls the screen aside revealing Stuffins back to us, standing in a huge cauldron surrounded by painted flames.

CAPTAIN: (solemnly) Ritual dancing is a sin Chief Wimsley.  Those who defy the order of the Crown and God are doomed to burn in everlasting Hell!! 

Wimsley stares.  Stuffins shrieks.  Captain breaks character.

CAPTAIN: Ha!  It’ll scare the hell into them, eh Wimsley? 

WIMSLEY: (curious) Stuffins appears to be in a great deal of pain Captain.

Stuffins is still shrieking. 

CAPTAIN: For God’s sake stop that shrieking Stuffins!!

Stuffins rotates to face us.  He has half a dozen darts stuck in his head.  Captain stares.  He turns away grimly.

CAPTAIN: Damned Pygmies!