89Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

The Eleventh Hour!
A Two Minute Comedy

Captain Rotterveil, 50s,
Sergeant Stuffins, 30s
Wimsley, 30s

We HEAR jungle birds tweeting.  Lights up inside Captain Rotterveil’s hut.  Rotterveil paces.  Stuffins, looks at him warily.

CAPTAIN: This is of utmost urgency Stuffins!  It is the most daring plan I have yet devised!

STUFFINS: Yes sir.

CAPTAIN: With the success of this operation we’ll consolidate power around hard evidence of Pygmy hostility.  That’ll guarantee  the funding we need.   Now then, how are we doing for time?

STUFFINS: (checks watch) It’s nearly 1800 hours sir!

CAPTAIN: (irritated) No Stuffins, how’re we doing for the… Time?

STUFFINS: (checking watch) It’s bloody well close to 1800 hours sir!

CAPTAIN: Damnit Stuffins, I am talking about… (stage whisper) “Operation You-know-what!”

STUFFINS: (confused) I know what, sir?

Captain WHACKS Stuffins with his swagger stick! 

CAPTAIN:  Good Lord Stuffins, it’s any wonder we’re losing the minds of the Pygmies!  I am talking about “Operation Eleventh Hour!”  Are we on schedule??

STUFFINS: (brightening) Ah!  Eleventh Hour!  (quiet) Yes, sir we are on schedule.  At 2300 hours the jungle drums begin… At 2315 a gaggle of Pygmy voices are heard, at 2316 the pyrotechnics begin, at 2318 the two burning targets start to collapse, and by 2325 both targets will be nothing but piles of burning rubble!!

CAPTAIN: (stiffening) Excellent Stuffins!  “Eleventh Hour” will prove beyond all doubt the Pygmies are hostile savages out to destroy our civilization!!

STUFFINS: Yes sir, it is a brilliant plan, Captain!

CAPTAIN: What is the start signal, Stuffins?

STUFFINS: I’m sorry, sir?

CAPTAIN: What is the start signal for Eleventh Hour??  You have a start signal don’t you?

STUFFINS: Ah yes… (quietly) It is the call of the dove, Captain.

CAPTAIN: The call of the dove?

STUFFINS: Yes, sir.  It goes like this…

Stuffins puts his hands together and makes the cooing sound of a dove.  Captain looks at him doubtfully.

CAPTAIN: Are you sure that’s going to be loud enough, Stuffins?

Stuffins makes the cooing sound louder.  He looks at Captain expectantly.  From outside the hut we HEAR the sound of jungle drums.  Captain stares.

CAPTAIN: (staring) Do you hear that Sergeant?

STUFFINS: (worried) Hear what Captain?

CAPTAIN: That, Stuffins!!  Jungle drums!!

STUFFINS: (straining to listen) Is that what that is?

From outside the hut we HEAR a gaggle of Pygmy voices.  Stuffins and Captain stare.

CAPTAIN: What the devil is that Stuffins???

Stuffins listens.  After a beat, a puff  of white SMOKE drifts across the stage.  Captain and Stuffins watch the smoke drift in front of them. 

CAPTAIN: (bristling) Sergeant… Would you like to tell me what it is we are looking at?

STUFFINS: (improvising) It looks like… Like…  Are you familiar with the paranormal, Captain??

Captain SMACKS Stuffins.  Drums and voices grow louder.  More smoke appears.  A section of the hut’s roof COLLAPSES in front of Captain!   He stares. 

CAPTAIN: What time is it, Sergeant?

STUFFINS: (terrified) Sorry, sir?

CAPTAIN: What time is it??

There is a long pause.

STUFFINS:  (hopeful) The Eleventh Hour, Captain??

Sirens wail.  Smoke and dust swirl around the Captain as we…