88Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre


The Pharmacy
A Two Minute Comedy

 

CAST:
Vick - 40, a pathological liar
Boy, 10
Sylvia - 30, boss

A pharmacy counter in a contemporary drug store.  Vick is talking on the landline.  He bobs and weaves.  His eyes shift furtively.  Nothing this guy does or says is believable.

VICK: Well that’s just it baby, I couldn’t be there ‘cause my gran was having another attack… Yeah it’s lucky I work in a pharmacy.  Only reason my gran’s still alive is ‘cause I take care a her.  So listen, how bout I come over tonight?  After work… Aw come on baby, I can bring a little something with me…

Sylvia enters, takes one look at Vick and gives him the high sign.

SYLVIA: (weary) Get off the phone Vick. 

VICK: Ah listen baby I gotta go… So I’ll see you tonight?  No, not just for that baby.  I really like you.  That’s why I’m callin…

SYLVIA: Vick…

VICK: Gotto go… See you later babe.

He hangs up and gives Sylvia a little smile.

SYLVIA: I gotto tell you no personal calls?  How many times Vick? 

VICK: Wasn’t personal.  It’s business. 

SYLVIA: Yeah.  You finish the script inventory?

VICK: Yeah I finished it.  Didn’t I tell you I did?

SYLVIA: It’s me Vick.  You tell me something it means shit.

VICK: I nearly finished it. 

SYLVIA: Get it done and don’t be short.  One more short and you’re history.

VICK: Hey Syl… That’s no way to talk to your friend.

SYLVIA: (dry) I got a snake I rather be friends with Vick.  Get it done before I get back.   You hear me?

VICK: (reluctantly) Yeah sure Syl.  Whatever you say. 

Sylvia exits.  Boy approaches the counter.  He’s got candy bars and a comic book.

BOY: Excuse me can I pay for these here?

VICK: Naw kid, go to the cash register.  That’s what it's there for.

The boy takes out a handful of bills.  Vick spots them.

VICK: Yeah… listen kid maybe I’ll do you a favor this one time, okay?  Whaddya got?

BOY: Two Mars, a Reese’s and a Spiderman Special Edition.

VICK: Okay… (punching a calculator) So, it’s two candy… A Reese’s candy, a Spiderman Special Edition… That’s with the fees and handling just eighteen dollars and fifty nine cents.

BOY: (pause) Eighteen dollars?  For this stuff?

VICK: Yeah.  You got enough to pay for it?  Sure, you got plenty.

BOY: Eighteen dollars?

VICK: Yeah kid.  If you don’t want to pay just put something back.

BOY: I got two bucks for the comic, and ninety five cents for a candy bar, right?

VICK: About right.  Except for the fees.  You got the comic book excise tax and environmental fee, the three chocolate surcharge taxes, then you got sales tax and pharmacy register fee…

BOY: Okay look, I’ll just go to the regular register…

VICK: (shaking head) Can’t do that boy.  I already rang you up at this register.  I tell you what… I’ll charge you five dollars for the candy and comic book and nine ninety five for the excise tax and handling fee… 

BOY: I never paid a handling fee before…

VICK: It’s something new.  Just started last week.  (improvising) You… get it back when you recycle the comic book.

BOY: I got to bring the comic book back?

VICK: When you’re done, yeah.  You want to help the environment don’t you?

BOY: (doubtful) You sure you work for the pharmacy?

VICK: (annoyed) Hey, I’m standing here kid.  I got credentials.  You think I’d be here if I didn’t?  Give me the money and you can go.

BOY: I don’t think so.  I think you're  lying.

VICK: What?  What’m I lying about kid?

BOY: Probably whatever comes into your head.  Gimme back my comic book.

VICK: Uh uh… You owe me fourteen ninety five.  (dark) So pay up.

BOY: I’m not paying you a dime you lying sack of shit.  Gimme back my comic book!

The Boy grabs at the comic book.  Vick holds on to it and they have a tug of war. 

VICK: (hissing) Listen little boy, I’ll tear your heart out and stomp on it you don’t pay me what you owe!

BOY: I owe you nothing bum wad!!

Sylvia enters.  She observes for a moment then…


SYLVIA: Give the kid his stuff Vick. 

VICK: He owes us money!

SYLVIA: (harsh) Give the kid his stuff Vick!

Vick lets go of the comic book.  Boy gathers his candy bars and comic book. 

BOY: He tried to charge me eighteen dollars for this stuff!  What kind of a place you running here lady?

SYLVIA: (wearily) A crooked place kid.  Now go pay at the register and leave us alone.

Boy exits.  Sylvia stares at Vick. 

SYLVIA: You call yourself an adult Vick?  You think you’re an adult? 

VICK: What?

SYLVIA: Grow up Vick.  Grow the fuck up or get out. 

VICK: (shrug) Whadid I do…?

FADING TO BLACK

VICK: Just tell me what I did…? Huh?  What?