86Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre


All You Can Be
A Two Minute Comedy


CAST:
Ferdinand - gangster
Camillo - another gangster

Camillo and Ferdinand dressed impeccably, are seated opposite each other in a fancy office.  Camillo is interviewing Ferdinand for a certain job.

CAMILLO: So Fitzie says you’re a stand up guy.  That true?

FERDINAND: Sure.  I know Fitzie fifteen, maybe twenty years now.

CAMILLO: Yeah.  I like Fitzie.  Says you’re good under pressure.  Says you’re a “no-fuse.” 

FERDINAND: (shrug) I do the job.

CAMILLO: How you under pressure?

FERDINAND: (shrug) Take it or leave it.

CAMILLO: Yeah?  This could be a pressure job.

FERDINAND: Don’t matter to me.

CAMILLO: You gotto be discreet.  This job takes a discreet guy to get in and do the business.  Can you be discreet?

FERDINAND: Sure.  Why should a guy make a fuss?

CAMILLO: I don’t know.  I don’t need a fuss.  How you with people?

FERDINAND: Don’t like em.

CAMILLO: (pause) You don’t like people?

FERDINAND: Nah.  They bother me.

CAMILLO: People bother you?

FERDINAND: Yeah.  They bother me.

CAMILLO: So you don’t mind cleaning up?

FERDINAND: (shrugs) Hey, it’s what I do most the time.

CAMILLO: Yeah.  Thing is I gotto be sure.  I had some bad luck with guys don’t follow through.

FERDINAND: Yeah?

CAMILLO: Yeah.  Had a guy said he could do a job then he gets in and can’t execute.  Made me look bad.

FERDINAND: Sorry for your troubles.

CAMILLO: See, he made me look bad and that I cannot have.  You know what I mean?

FERDINAND: Yeah I think I know.

CAMILLO: (pause) You seem very quiet.  Like a quiet guy. 

An unseen bee buzzes around Ferdinand.  He swats at it.

FERDINAND: Yeah…  I’m quiet…  I’m discreet… Friggin bees!

CAMILLO: I need to know that the job is gonna get done.  Okay?

The bee will not leave Ferdinand alone.  He ducks, swats and jumps out of his chair.

F:  Eh…?  What kinda friggin bees you got in here?

Ferdinand ducks again and whips out a nine millimeter pistol. 

CAMILLO: (alarmed) Whoa!  Slow down there Ferdinand!  It’s just a bug!

The bee is angry now and buzzes Ferdinand’s face.  Ferdinand is angry too, he swats, and swats and finally FIRES the pistol!!

FERDINAND:  (to bee) You wanna screw with me?  Come on fucker, try to screw with me!!

He FIRES again!  Camillo ducks behind the desk.

CAMILLO: (panicked) Hey Ferdinand, Ferdinand, listen… I think you’re the kinda guy I need!  Put away the nine and let’s sit down calm like…

Ferdinand  FIRES again!!  Camillo, terrified, scampers off stage.  As he exits, Ferdinand relaxes, puts away the gun, and punches a number on his cell phone. 

FERDINAND: (on phone) Yeah Fitzie?  How you doin?  Yeah… I got the job.  The bit with the bees?  Worked good.  Real good.  I’ll be over later and drop off the vig.   Yeah…  Thanks again.  It went smooth as silk.

BLACK OUT

Music CUE: Rimsky-Korsakov’s “Flight of the Bumble Bee"