80Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre


Surprise Attack!

A Two Minute Comedy 

CAST:

Cptn. Rotterveil

Sergeant Stuffins

Wimsley  

 

We HEAR jungle birds tweeting.  Lights up inside Captain Rotterveil’s hut.  Rotterveil paces.  Stuffins, holding a cricket bat, looks at it warily. 

Captain: Stuffins, believe me.  I have thirty years in this business and it is the only way!

Stuffins: (worried) Yes sir Captain… I was only hoping that…

Captain:  Forget it Stuffins!  We need something dramatic, a crisis,  to rally the people to our side. 

Stuffins: But won’t this anger the little devils even more Captain?

Captain: Those “little devils” are winning the hearts and minds of the Queen’s Exploratory Force, Sergeant.  With each passing day we lose moral authority! 

Stuffins reluctantly raises the cricket bat in front of him.  He fidgets, hesitates. 

Captain: (fed up) Oh, get on with it Sergeant!  Civilization is at stake! 

Captain turns his back so as not to see.  Stuffins closes his eyes and CLUBS himself on the head!!   

Stuffins: Owww…? 

Captain turns and stares. 

Captain:  (irritated) For heaven’s sake Stuffins, put some elbow in it!

Stuffins: Again?

Captain: Of course again you fool!  It has to look authentic. 

Stuffins raises the bat again and WHACKS himself harder!  He vibrates like a tuning fork, then slumps to the floor.   

Captain: (urgent) Now the whistle!  Blow the bloody whistle!! 

Stuffins pulls the silver whistle from around his neck and blows weakly.  Captain stares. 

Captain: (vehement) Is that the best you can do?? 

Stuffins blows again weakly.  Captain kicks him, and Stuffins blows louder.  He feigns surprise then shouts out a window. 

Captain:  Attack!  Attack!  Sound the alarm, we are under attack!! 

A siren begins to whine as we… 

FADE TO BLACK 

Lights up hours later.  Stuffins is in bandages.  Captain paces, and Wimsley in his Pygmy outfit, looks skeptical. 

Captain: Wimsley, this cannot continue!  We are trying to save a primitive people from self-destruction and they repay us with violence!   If these attacks don’t stop you will force me to start executing your Pygmies.   

Wimsley: That will only bring about more resistance Captain.  (to Stuffins) Sergeant, did you see how many there were?

Sergeant: ( in pain) I couldn’t see a thing. They snuck up behind me!

Wimsley: Yet your injuries are on the front of your head.

Captain: (irritated) The point is your little tribe of heathens attacked the man right under my roof Wimsley!

Wimsley:  And where were you again, Captain?

Captain:  Working at my desk.  I heard a commotion, turned around and found Stuffins on the floor.   

Wimsley: And the weapon was… this cricket bat?

Captain: Obviously the little beasts thought it more effective than a blow dart.

Wimsley: (pause) I don’t believe a word of it Captain.  This has all the earmarks of a staged attack. 

Suddenly a FLURRY of blow darts hit the wall behind Stuffins.  He shrieks. 

Captain: Ah ha!  A second attack!  What should we do now Wimsley?

Wimsley: I don’t know about you Captain, but I’m going to duck… 

He ducks to the ground.  Stuffins and the Captain stare, and quickly do the same.  They creep closer to Wimsley.  Another FLURRY of darts arrives - Captain and Stuffins shriek!  Slowly they turn toward us - each with a dart stuck in his forehead.  The Captain bristles.  

Captain: (outraged) So Wimsley, what do you have to say now?? 

Wimsley pauses. 

Wimsley: You ducked with the wrong man? 

Pause.  A comic trombone glissando… 

BLACK OUT