"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"
A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre
Lights up inside Rotterveil’s hut. The Captain paces. Wimsley watches him.
Captain: Wimsley, starting today I am instituting new sanctions on the Pygmy community. Until behavior improves I’m going to make their miserable lives more miserable!
Wimsley: If I may say Captain, making life harder for these people will only lower their perception of you.
Captain: You think I give rotted bollocks what the savages think of me? You’re mistaken, Wimsley! As of today drumming is illegal - no more messaging to outside tribes. Water and food will be strictly rationed, and medical treatment cut off. And there is a new dress code. As of today all Pygmies are required to wear civilized attire… (yells offstage) Front and center Winston!
Winston enters. He’s an English boy covered in black body paint. Bone in nose, face and chest decorated in war paint, necklaces, talismans, etc. Over it all - a foreign hand tie. Instead of a loin cloth - he wears schoolboy shorts, brown shoes, no socks. He carries a broomstick spear.
Captain: I call it NSS. Necktie, shorts and shoes. A dress code that remains sensitive to the traditions of a primitive race… But prohibits their most savage practices…
He SNATCHES the bone from the boy’s nose triumphantly
Captain: Visual displays of heathen behavior are hereon outlawed, Wimsley!
He grabs the broomstick and breaks it over his knee - causing him to wince.
Captain: From today our mission to save your dim-witted savages from their dim-witted selves takes on a new appearance!
He whips out a washcloth and scrubs black paint off the boy’s chest.
Captain: Because… underneath every savage, black heart… beats a white one!!
Wimsley stares. Captain smiles.
Captain: Cat got your tongue, Wimsley??
Wimsley: (pause) Are you using water-based paint, Captain?
Captain struts around his Pygmy model.
Captain: Further, there are two words of English that every Pygmy must learn. Winston here will demonstrate.
Winston looks askance.
Captain: Go ahead boy, your most common English phrase is…
Winston: (worried) Yes, boss?
Captain: (frowns) And again boy! More confidence!
Winston: Yes, boss!
Captain: There you have it Wimsley! A small but ever-so-meaningful step toward civilization.
Wimsley: I think “meaningful“ is a bit of an exaggeration, Captain.
Captain: Of course you do, man! But you recognize that the proper appearance of a man or Pygmy, is an essential part of his behavior. By teaching your savages to look civilized, they will learn to be civilized!
Captain shows Winston the exit. Wimsley sighs wearily. He takes out a blow gun, loads a dart, and SHOOTS it at Rotterveil. Rotterveil grabs his neck.
Captain: What’ve you done… Wim… Wim…Wim…sly????
The Captain keels over in a dead faint. We HEAR jungle drumming.
FADE TO BLACK
Lights up a short while later. Sergeant Stuffins enters anxiously. He looks at Wimsley.
Stuffins: Wimsley, have you seen the Captain? He’s late for a staff meeting.
Wimsley: As a matter of fact I have Stuffins. He was just waking up.
From behind Captain Rotterviel’s desk a wraith-like figure rises. He stumbles groggily into the light.
Captain: What the devil has happened to me?
Wimsley: You seemed to have fallen asleep, Captain.
The Captain pauses, looks down, and realizes he is dressed in Pygmy attire. Loin cloth, war paint, bone in nose, etc. He looks around in utter confusion.
Stuffins: Sir, the company Commander is waiting outside. Shall I let him in?
Captain, realizing the terrible gravity of the situation, starts to bristle.
Captain: Wimsley! This is your doing!
Wimsley: Thank you Captain for demonstrating the new dress code. I know the tribe won’t like it, but I am off to implement it forthwith!
Wimsley goes to exit. Captain lunges at him. Stuffins blows his whistle!
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