77Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre


Anga Roo Court!

A Two Minute Comedy

Judge Wimsy - 50s, self-inflated  

Bailiff Bloney - 60, red clown nose

In-Jury Choir - 6 singing jurors

Accused - a slim girl of 25

 

A makeshift courtroom.  Judge Wimsy is seated high on a pedestal above the witness stand.   The In-Jury Choir to one side.  He raps his gavel on the lectern in front of him.

Judge Wimsy: Order! Order! I will have disorder following sentencing!!

Bailiff: I’m sorry Judge Wimsy… Which order is it? 

Judge: Dis order Bailiff Bloney!  Dis order…!

Judge holds up a restaurant menu. 

Judge: Double cheeseburger with bacon, curly fries and a vanilla smoothie.  And no fruit damnit!

In-Jury Choir: (singing sweetly) Ooooh… Ahhh! 

Judge: Now then… Has the In-Jury Choir reached a verdict?

In-Jury Choir: (singing) Yessss, your honor we haaaave! 

Judge: Bailiff Bloney, the verdict please.

Bailiff: (confused) I’m sorry Judge, I don’t know the verdict.

Judge: (angry) Bring me the verdict you clown!

Bailiff: Yes!  Thank you sir! 

Bailiff retrieves a page of sheet music from the head juror.  He hums a few bars and hands it to the Judge who also hums a few bars and hands it back. 

Judge: Let’s hear it choir!

In-Jury Choir: (a musical round) We find the Accused… Guilty, guilty, guilty ahhhhh…

Judge: (game show voice) Oh, I’m sorry Accused!  The Anga Roo Court has found you guilty!  That’s twenty to life,  but don’t go away mad, because we’ve got some fabulous consolation prizes to con your rotten soul!  Yes, that’s right, on your way to our secret black hole of detention you’ll enjoy the spectacular home version of Anga Roo Court, along with the Quick and Dent do-it-yourself dental repair kit, and a full set of Bloodflow’s best Tourniquet Cut Stoppers perfect for those inside beatings sure to be coming once you get… inside!!

In-Jury Choir: (singing) You did it, we framed you, the whole world will disdain you!  You did it, we framed you, there’s no one to complain to!! Oooh, ooh, ahhh…(repeat under)

Accused: Please… Please… I’d like to… I’d like to… Opt Out!

Choir halts and everyone freezes.  The Judge frowns at Accused.

Judge: I’m sorry.  Did I hear you correctly Accused??  Did you say you want to “Opt Out???”

Accused: Yes sir I did.

Choir: Ooooh… Ahhhh!

Judge: Well now that’s the kind of spunk we just don’t see outside adult entertainment folks!!  You want to “Opt Out,” which means of course that we go to the Anga Roo Wheel of Punishments where one of a half dozen company certified and approved “behavior modifications” will replace your black hole detention!  For you the Accused and for the folks at home, let’s see what’s on the Wheel today!

Sound EFX - a game show wheel spinning.

Choir: (singing) Round and around and around we go… 

Judge: Bailiff Bloney would you read the first three Punishments please!

Bailiff: (reading) Punishment number one: the Accused shall be blind folded and dropped in a busy intersection during rush hour!  (Choir sings traffic sounds) Punishment number two: Accused shall be left outdoors and denied food and shelter for a period of ninety days!  (Choir moans and groans)  Punishment number three: Accused shall be forced to live in an insane asylum for not less than two years!!  (Choir babbles insanely) 

Judge: And number four: Accused shall be injected with a mystery disease, ptomaine, botulism,   swine flu or something truly horrible created just for us by the Department of Medical Malpractices!!  (Choir - Arghhhh!)  Number five: one full year of sleep deprivation!  And last but not least: assault on your neuro-cerebral cortex with extreme low frequency soundwaves!!! 

Choir sings a long low note…

Accused: My God… You actually do these things to people???

Judge: Well sure, cupcake!  That’s why it’s called the Wheel of Punishment!  Are you ready for your spin??  (Accused shrugs)  Spin it Bailiff Bloney!

Sound EFX spinning.

Choir: (singing) Round and around and around we go…

Judge: (following Wheel) Blindfold intersection… mystery disease…cerebral assault…

The Wheel clicks to a stop. 

Judge: Congratulations Accused!  You “Opted Out” for the Blindfold Intersection punishment!

Choir: (singing) Honk honk, beep beep, toot toot!  Honk honk, beep beep, toot toot!

Accused: Dear God you can’t be serious!

Judge: Oh we’re deadly serious!  Good luck getting through that traffic!  But hey, if you get hit, we’ll invoke plausible deniability, withhold medical care, and subvert legal process!! 

Accused: (stunned) How do you do that?

Judge: Bring you right back here to Anga Roo Court!  (to audience) Remember folks, if you’re angry about your treatment, or have complaints of any kind, you’ll be coming to Anga Roo Court!   That’s our show, I’m Judge Wimsy…  For Bailiff Bloney, the In-Jury Choir and everyone else… See you next time!!!!

Choir:  (singing) If you’re angry, it’s Anga Roo for you!  If you’re mad, it’s only ‘cause you’re bad!  If you’re pissed, we’ve got you on a list!  Oooh, ahhh… It’s Anga Roo for you!!

FADE TO BLACK