76Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

Hat Brims at War
A Two Minute Comedy

Lovely -  drop dead gorgeous
Crafty - a guy 30s
Rival -  a guy 30s

An upscale haberdashery.  Lovely tidies up behind the counter.  Crafty enters, takes one look at Lovely, and turns on the charm.  He peruses, casually tries on a hat, turns to Lovely.

Crafty: What do you think?

Lovely: Very nice.  Shopping for hats today?

Crafty: Could be.  I like beautiful things…

He tries on another hat with a wider brim.

Crafty: How ‘bout this?  More of a statement isn’t it?

Lovely: (studies him) Truthfully?

Crafty:  Is there any other way?

Lovely: I think broad brimmed hats make men look weak.

Crafty: (removing hat) Really?  Why?

Lovely: Under all that brim they must be hiding something.

Rival enters.  He takes one look at Lovely, and stops mid-stride.  Lovely smiles at him.

Lovely: Hi.  How can I help you today?

Rival: (infatuated) You already have…

Lovely: Oh.  Well, if I can show you anything, please let me know.

They look at each other.  Crafty quickly steps between them, breaking the moment.

Crafty: Do you have this hat in any darker colors?

Lovely: (taking the hat) I don’t think so, but let me just go check…

She ducks behind a curtain leaving the two men facing each other.  They size up each other up like two rams.  Neither giving ground. 

Crafty: (squints) You have a little something…

He points at the corner of his mouth.  Rival wipes.

Crafty: Other side.

Rival wipes.

Crafty: Other, other side.

Rival: (catching on) Very funny.  You know her?

Crafty: Of course I know her.  I shop here all the time.

Rival steps to the hat rack and peruses.

Rival: What’s her name?

Crafty: I’m sorry?  What’s whose name?

Rival: Cinderella.  You shop here “all the time,” right?

Crafty: Why don’t you ask her.

Crafty picks up the broad brimmed hat, puts it on, looks in the mirror.  Rival watches him out of the corner of his eye.

Crafty: (quietly) I don’t know.  She says wide brims look sexy. 

Rival ducks out of sight.  Lovely re-enters. 

Lovely: No, I’m sorry the only colors we have this in are the ones on the rack there. 

Crafty: Ah, no matter.  What do you think of this look?

He puts a short brimmed pork pie hat on his head.

Crafty: I think it says, “Simple but open.”  Don’t you? 

Lovely: (doubtful) I thought you were looking for something more elegant.

Rival suddenly appears wearing a wide brimmed Goucho hat. 

Rival: Excuse me Ms…?

Lovely: Yes?

Rival: (fishing) Ms…??

Lovely: (stares) I’m sorry, what is it you need?

He strolls toward Lovely and strikes a pose.

Rival: Oh… I was wondering if you had anything with a slightly wider brim? 

Lovely: Wider?

Rival: A little more… Mysterious?

Lovely: (pause) Ah… Everything we have is on the floor, sir.

Rival pivots away.  Crafty removes the pork pie and pulls on a knit ski cap.

Crafty:  Now this is something pretty much shouts “unpretentious,” wouldn’t you say?

Lovely: (stares) If you live in Switzerland.

Rival appears, this time wearing a full blown Mexican sombrero. 

Rival: (snaps fingers) I’m thinking a sleepy weekend in Cabo…  Por ti y mio?

Crafty glowers.  He yanks off the ski cap and clamps a bright white yarmulke on his head!

Crafty: Ever had home-made kugel and  Dr. Browns soda??

Lovely stares.