74Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

Pygmy Predicament
A Two Minute Comedy

Captain Rotterveil, 50s,
Sergeant Stuffins, 30s
Wimsley, 30s

Interior Captain Rotterveil’s hut.  Exotic animal trophies are tacked about.  Captain is in the process of dressing formal.  Stuffins enters excitedly.

Stuffins: Captain, good news!  We have captured the Pygmy leader!

Captain: Ah, very good Stuffins.  I knew you’d find the little devil if you put your mind to it. 

Stuffins: The thing is Captain he’s…

Captain: What do you think Stuffins?  The East Africa Campaign, or North Africa?

Captain holds up two dress uniforms with different ribbon adornment.

Stuffins: (hesitant) I’m sorry sir… What’s the occasion?

Captain: Oh, just a little celebration with friends from the Carrier Corps.  I quite prefer the East Africa, don’t you Stuffins?

Stuffins: Er, well, yes sir.  Right smart it is.  Er, about the Pygmy chief, he’s not what…

Captain: (cutting him off) Of course having served in both North and East Africa makes me  something of a military legend…  Brutal it was Stuffins!  Make no mistake of that.  In the North we nearly died of thirst and the heat.  In the East it was a scourge of wild animals, savage natives, blistering sun and wretched disease!

Stuffins: Sir… About the captured Pygmy chief.

Captain: Ah yes Sergeant.  Bring the savage in here.  I am going to explain to him just how difficult things will get if he refuses to cooperate.

Stuffins: That’s just it Captain.  The Pygmy chief is not what we expected.

Captain: Oh they never are Sergeant.  I’ve been fighting the savages nearly thirty years now and I still don’t understand what they gibber on about!  Just bring the little monkey in here and we’ll straighten him out.

Stuffins hesitates.

Captain:  Well, go on Stuffins!  I have cocktails at six!

Stuffins: Sir… Yes, sir!

He faces about and exits.  A moment later he enters followed by Wimsley.  Wimsley, a self-effacing chap is in full Pygmy splendor. Painted face and body. 
Grass skirt.  Shrunken heads.   Bone in nose.  The Captain turns and stares.

Stuffins: Captain, may I present Mr. Banta-tu Wimsley.  Pygmy chief and head…

Wimsley: Head shrinker, actually.  And a bit of a medicine man.

Captain: (staring) Good heavens, you’re an Englishman!

Wimsley: Right.  I am Captain.

Captain: Why are you wearing that extraordinary outfit, Wimsley?

Wimsley: It’s… Customary.  Grass skirt… Bark sandals…

Captain: (astonished) Is that a bloody bone in your nose??

Wimsley: What?  This?  Why, yes, I suppose it is.

Captain: What kind of a bone is it?

Wimsley: I believe it’s a ham bone, Captain.

Captain: Stuffins, is this some kind of a joke??  I told you to bring me the Pygmy chief!   Not some misfit from community theatre!!

Stuffins: That’s just it, sir…

Wimsley: I am the Pygmy chief, Captain.  I was taken captive four years ago and somehow the tribe took a shine to me. 

Captain:  You’re a deserter??

Wimsley: No, I was on mission from St. Catherine’s of Bournemouth.  Now, about the way you’re treating my people Captain…

Captain: Good God, man!  Have you completely lost your senses?  Your people??  They‘re barely evolved monkeys!  (suddenly friendly) St. Catherine’s you say?  Did you happen to know a Albanian named Kufaar?  Lovely chap, wanted to be a priest I believe.

Wimsley: Why yes I did know Kufaar. 
We grew rather close, actually.  Sent here after the incident with an alter boy. 

Captain: Yes...(suddenly stiff) Now look here Wimsley!  What is the meaning of you playing a Pygmy chief?

Wimsley:  You’ve penned us in, cut us off from our homeland, stolen our gold, withheld food and medicine, aborted sovereign treaties.  What you’re doing is a crime, Captain.

Captain: Do you mean to tell me you actually sympathize with these savages? 

Wimsley: Yes, I do.  And you can expect more trouble if you don’t let my people move about freely!

Captain: Oh?  What kind of trouble?

A ZIP and Stuffins SLAPS at his neck!  He painfully removes a blow dart.

Wimsley: Primitive, but effective Captain.  (gleam) Especially when tipped with deadly poison from the fangs of the black mamba!

Captain: (squinting) Stuffins, how do you feel?  Do you feel poison coursing its way through your veins, or is Wimsley here bluffing?

Stuffins: (terrified) I can’t feel a thing sir!

Captain: Wimsley, consider yourself under arrest!  Stuffins, arrest Chief Wimsley!

A series of ZIPS and Stuffins grabs frantically at different parts of his body. 

Stuffins: Ooo, ahhh, owww…sir!

Captain:  This is no time for theatrics Stuffins.  I gave you an order!

Stuffins straightens. He has three blow darts stuck in his forehead.  Captain stares.

Wimsley: Barely evolved monkeys, Captain.

Captain:  (staring) Right.  I’m late for cocktails Wimsley.  We’ll have to carry on later… (pause) By the way, those shrunken heads round your waist?   Never seen one up close...

Wimsley: Of course, Captain… (hands a head to Captain)

Captain: Funny, this poor bugger looks familiar.

Wimsley:  Yes...  That’s old Kufaar, Captain. 

Captain:  (blanching)  Really?   He look so... so...

Wimsley: Small?  

Stuffins yanks a dart from his forehead, SHRIEKS with pain!