74Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre


Pygmy Predicament
A Two Minute Comedy


CAST:
Captain Rotterveil, 50s,
Sergeant Stuffins, 30s
Wimsley, 30s

Interior Captain Rotterveil’s hut.  Exotic animal trophies are tacked about.  Captain is in the process of dressing formal.  Stuffins enters excitedly.

Stuffins: Captain, good news!  We have captured the Pygmy leader!

Captain: Ah, very good Stuffins.  I knew you’d find the little devil if you put your mind to it. 

Stuffins: The thing is Captain he’s…

Captain: What do you think Stuffins?  The East Africa Campaign, or North Africa?

Captain holds up two dress uniforms with different ribbon adornment.

Stuffins: (hesitant) I’m sorry sir… What’s the occasion?

Captain: Oh, just a little celebration with friends from the Carrier Corps.  I quite prefer the East Africa, don’t you Stuffins?

Stuffins: Er, well, yes sir.  Right smart it is.  Er, about the Pygmy chief, he’s not what…

Captain: (cutting him off) Of course having served in both North and East Africa makes me  something of a military legend…  Brutal it was Stuffins!  Make no mistake of that.  In the North we nearly died of thirst and the heat.  In the East it was a scourge of wild animals, savage natives, blistering sun and wretched disease!

Stuffins: Sir… About the captured Pygmy chief.

Captain: Ah yes Sergeant.  Bring the savage in here.  I am going to explain to him just how difficult things will get if he refuses to cooperate.

Stuffins: That’s just it Captain.  The Pygmy chief is not what we expected.

Captain: Oh they never are Sergeant.  I’ve been fighting the savages nearly thirty years now and I still don’t understand what they gibber on about!  Just bring the little monkey in here and we’ll straighten him out.

Stuffins hesitates.

Captain:  Well, go on Stuffins!  I have cocktails at six!

Stuffins: Sir… Yes, sir!

He faces about and exits.  A moment later he enters followed by Wimsley.  Wimsley, a self-effacing chap is in full Pygmy splendor. Painted face and body. 
Grass skirt.  Shrunken heads.   Bone in nose.  The Captain turns and stares.

Stuffins: Captain, may I present Mr. Banta-tu Wimsley.  Pygmy chief and head…

Wimsley: Head shrinker, actually.  And a bit of a medicine man.

Captain: (staring) Good heavens, you’re an Englishman!

Wimsley: Right.  I am Captain.

Captain: Why are you wearing that extraordinary outfit, Wimsley?

Wimsley: It’s… Customary.  Grass skirt… Bark sandals…

Captain: (astonished) Is that a bloody bone in your nose??

Wimsley: What?  This?  Why, yes, I suppose it is.

Captain: What kind of a bone is it?

Wimsley: I believe it’s a ham bone, Captain.

Captain: Stuffins, is this some kind of a joke??  I told you to bring me the Pygmy chief!   Not some misfit from community theatre!!

Stuffins: That’s just it, sir…

Wimsley: I am the Pygmy chief, Captain.  I was taken captive four years ago and somehow the tribe took a shine to me. 

Captain:  You’re a deserter??

Wimsley: No, I was on mission from St. Catherine’s of Bournemouth.  Now, about the way you’re treating my people Captain…

Captain: Good God, man!  Have you completely lost your senses?  Your people??  They‘re barely evolved monkeys!  (suddenly friendly) St. Catherine’s you say?  Did you happen to know a Albanian named Kufaar?  Lovely chap, wanted to be a priest I believe.

Wimsley: Why yes I did know Kufaar. 
We grew rather close, actually.  Sent here after the incident with an alter boy. 

Captain: Yes...(suddenly stiff) Now look here Wimsley!  What is the meaning of you playing a Pygmy chief?

Wimsley:  You’ve penned us in, cut us off from our homeland, stolen our gold, withheld food and medicine, aborted sovereign treaties.  What you’re doing is a crime, Captain.

Captain: Do you mean to tell me you actually sympathize with these savages? 

Wimsley: Yes, I do.  And you can expect more trouble if you don’t let my people move about freely!

Captain: Oh?  What kind of trouble?

A ZIP and Stuffins SLAPS at his neck!  He painfully removes a blow dart.

Wimsley: Primitive, but effective Captain.  (gleam) Especially when tipped with deadly poison from the fangs of the black mamba!

Captain: (squinting) Stuffins, how do you feel?  Do you feel poison coursing its way through your veins, or is Wimsley here bluffing?

Stuffins: (terrified) I can’t feel a thing sir!

Captain: Wimsley, consider yourself under arrest!  Stuffins, arrest Chief Wimsley!

A series of ZIPS and Stuffins grabs frantically at different parts of his body. 

Stuffins: Ooo, ahhh, owww…sir!

Captain:  This is no time for theatrics Stuffins.  I gave you an order!

Stuffins straightens. He has three blow darts stuck in his forehead.  Captain stares.

Wimsley: Barely evolved monkeys, Captain.

Captain:  (staring) Right.  I’m late for cocktails Wimsley.  We’ll have to carry on later… (pause) By the way, those shrunken heads round your waist?   Never seen one up close...

Wimsley: Of course, Captain… (hands a head to Captain)

Captain: Funny, this poor bugger looks familiar.

Wimsley:  Yes...  That’s old Kufaar, Captain. 

Captain:  (blanching)  Really?   He look so... so...

Wimsley: Small?  

Stuffins yanks a dart from his forehead, SHRIEKS with pain! 

 BLACKOUT