73Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre


Holding Stocks
A Two Minute Musical Comedy


CAST:
Dicksmyte - a untrustworthy smithy
Sergeant Stuffins - the explorer
Fulworthy - untrustworthy smithy assistant

The three men are focused on a wooden stocks of the Puritan variety.  Stuffins circles the contraption with a critical eye.

Stuffins:  Yes…. You see, my orders are to purchase stocks and return them to our camp.

Dicksmyte: You is come to the right place guv!  This is our most popular design.  (winks) Built em meself I did.

Fulworthy: And they’s effective at it too Sergeant.  Last fellow we puts in ‘ere shriveled up dead in less ‘n two weeks!

Stuffins: (intrigued) Shriveled up you say?

Fulworthy: At’s right.  Ya don’t feed em or drink em and out ‘ere inna hot sun they’s gonna lose a stone a day guv!  Last bloke’ neck musta been two inches smaller a time he bit dust.

Stuffins: Yes, well, we’re not necessarily trying to kill them as much as make an example.  Examples instill fear.  Fear instills discipline.  Discipline brings obedience.  Without an example you get blasphemy.

Dicksmyte: Right you is guv.   Blasphemy is heresy I say!  (winks) But good fer me business, if you get my float.

Stuffins: (frowns) Trouble is the size.

Dicksmyte: Oh, this ‘ere can handle a man what stands ten ‘ands tall!  And tough? 

Dicksmyte pounds on the stocks frame.

Dicksmyte: Not ever once did no criminal escape from these ‘ere stocks guv!  They’s built to punish and punish good!

Fulworthy: At’s right Sergeant.  Punish good they does!  (squints) What kinda trouble you got out there guv?  Drunken thieves?  Women chasers?  Fanny boys?

Stuffins:  I’m not at liberty to say gentlemen.  We’ve trouble in the offing and we intend to choke it off before it explodes.

Dicksmyte: These is the stocks to do it Sarge! Look ‘ere…

Dicksmyte opens the stocks, puts his head in, and closes it.


Dicksmyte: Look round me neck ‘ere guv.  See it’s nice n’ tight?  No slippage, no flippin about.  These is what you calls a quality punishment device!

MUSIC INTRO: “Intimidation Nation”  Fulworthy doffs his cap and begins to sing:

If your colony is cause for concern
If your colonists is refusing to learn
If you’re feelin demeaned and without a station
The time is nigh for… intimidation nation!

Let’s say your peasants have mind of their own
They resist and protest and cause you to groan
They demand free speech, free will, a vacation
It’s time to build an intimidation nation!

Dicksmyte frees himself from the stocks and sings:

Academics, the Jews and uppity niggers
Foreigners, students, and artistic figures
Beware their demands for fairness and proof
Their skeptical views and cries for the truth

They’re lesser than you and your lofty ideal
They’re sniveling whiners with little appeal
You can stop their rebellion with a touch of persuasion
A few key devices… intimidation nation!

Thumbscrews and chains, extractors and pliers
A hammer, a drill, a saw, an old tire
Strong stocks, grim gallows, wood posts for the whipping
Tools to control their complaints and their quipping

Put down your boot heel, cut off their lifeblood
Dig up some dirt, it’s delightful to throw mud
Colonial success depends on harsh rule
Beat down the bastards, it’s kind to be cruel!

In the spirit now, Fulworthy, Dicksmyte and Stuffins sing the chorus to a big finish:

They’re lesser than you and your lofty ideal
They’re sniveling whiners with little appeal
You can stop their rebellion with a touch of persuasion
A few key devices… intimidation nation!
Yes stop their rebellion, repair your fair station
A few key devices… intimidation nation!

Stuffins: (impressed) Yes, I see your point gentlemen.  But do you have anything smaller?  Our troublemakers are quite small.

Fulworthy: How small we talkin ‘bout guv?

Stuffins: (hesitates) I… really can’t say. 

Dicksmyte and Fulworthy stare.  Stuffins suddenly SLAPS at his neck, pulls out a blow dart. 

Fulworthy: Problem with the children guv?  We get that ‘ere too.  We got a nice set a thumb screws an hot pokers if you need ‘em.

Dicksmyte: Right.  Childrens is a pesky problem.  ‘Ave you tried drownin?  We ‘ave a nice oak drownin’ tank what will never break...

Stuffins: (annoyed) It is not children we need to punish!  We have a problem with people who are small, but they are not children for heaven’s sake! 

Fulworthy: (suspicious) We heard rumors Sergeant.  Rumors ‘bout a tiny little people what’s just like childrens only they’s growed up.  Little savages they’s supposed to be, right Dicksmyte??

Dicksmyte: Yeah… Little savages wearin masks and bones in they noses.  Pygmies they call ‘em.  That what you got out there guv??  Pygmies?

Stuffins: (stiffening) Gentlemen, I have no idea what you’re talking about.   I am in need of a stocks that can accommodate a smaller man than these.  Are you going to help me or not?

Dicksmyte:  What say we cut these ‘ere stocks down  about ‘alf the size Sergeant?  That meet your needs right, would it?

Stuffins: I should think it would.  When can you have them ready?

Dicksmyte: Within the week guv, right Fulworthy?  It’s just a little trim ‘ere n’ there, innat right?

Fulworthy: Right.  (hurriedly) Can we interest the Sergeant in some nice shackles to go wiv it?   We’ve got fine new shackles wiv a no escape guarantee.

Dicksmyte:  Or some fingernail tongs?  No better way to say “Behave!” than a set a good fingernail tongs guv!

Fulworthy picks up a rusty old pliers and clamps his own front tooth.

Fulworthy: Ow ‘bout these ‘ere toof extractors??  You can yank a toof wiv these in less ‘n a squeelin’ pig minute guv…

Fulworthy yanks out his tooth!  Stuffins stares.  Then SLAPS at his neck!

BLACKOUT