72Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

A Two Minute Comedy

Captain Rotterveil, 50s,
Leftenant Bascom, 40s,
Sergeant Stuffins, 30s

1920s.  Darkest Africa.  Lights up on three pith-helmeted British explorers up to their knees in jungle foliage.  Stuffins salutes stiffly.

Stuffins: (urgent) Captain, Leftenant, I’m afraid we have a crisis with the pygmies. 

Captain: Oh?  What makes you say that?

A dull THUD and Stuffins winces in pain.

Stuffins: There is a distinctly hostile atmosphere brewing, Captain.  Can’t you feel it?

Captain: (oblivious) No.  Can’t say that I do, Stuffins.  

Stuffins: How about you Leftenant?  Can you sense the hostility?

Leftenant: Nothing seems terribly amiss, Stuffins.  We’re bound to get flare ups now and again.

Stuffins violently SLAPS his neck, removes a blow dart.  

Stuffins: Never-the-less I think we should prepare for an uprising.

Captain: Surely you don’t think the little buggers are going to make a fuss do you?

Stuffins: I should hope not Captain, but it would be wise to be ready for trouble.

Leftenant: What kind of trouble, Stuffins?

A large rock bounces off  Stuffins’ helmet.  He winces.

Stuffins:  Could be almost anything.  Keep in mind we’ve repressed these people for ten years and their anger has festered.

Leftenant: That’s a load of tosh!  We’ve shown them enlightened civilization.

Captain: We’ve taught them right from wrong. The value of a cup of tea.  Christian salvation.

Stuffins:  You see that’s just it Captain.  They don’t see us as saviors.

Leftenant: That’s because they are uncivilized and ignorant. Our entire mission is to save them from themselves.  (mutters) What to expect from people who wear masks and pierce body parts??

Stuffins: Sir, we’ve isolated them from their native community.  We’ve stolen their resources and we demean their culture.  Is it any wonder they’re unhappy?

Captain: Pygmy happiness is of little concern to me, Sergeant.  We’re doing the Lord’s work.

Stuffins: Frankly sir our Lord has little meaning to pygmies.

Captain: If there’s trouble we’ll take stricter measures.  Cut them off from food and water. 

Stuffins: We’ve done that.

Captain: Interfere with communications.

Stuffins: We’ve done that.

Captain: Treat them like animals.

Stuffin: Done that.

Captain: Beat them and refuse medical care.

Stuffin: (nods) And we’ve told legal to bamboozle them with meaningless justice.  They’re not easily intimidated, Captain.  Which is why I’ve deployed this emergency whistle.

He pulls a silver whistle from around his neck.

 Stuffins: In the event of an emergency we need a signal.  Three short bursts like this…

He blows three times, SHRIEKS and doubles over in pain!  He gingerly removes an arrow from his leg.

Captain: (unimpressed) Rather dramatic don’t you think, Sergeant?  The sound of the whistle might just stir them up further.

Leftenant: Right.  For us a whistle is cause for alarm.  To a pygmy tribesman it could instigate some kind of primitive  mating ritual…

Stuffins’ leg starts to twitch. 

Captain: I really think you’re over doing it Stuffins.  Our pygmies may show it in a strange way, but they are grateful for our intervention.

Something is humping Stuffins’ leg.

Leftenant: Captain’s right Stuffins.  These primitives know deep in their shriveled hearts we represent a world of benevolence.  One day they’ll be grateful… and taller!

Stuffins:  Yes sir… Thank you sir. 

Captain: Of course should you identify a pygmy troublemaker we should arrest him and lock him up indefinitely.   Primitive people need to be shown a firm hand if they’re to succeed in the civilized world.  That’s what we’re here for.

Stuffins can’t shake his attacker.  Captain frowns.

Captain: Is there something wrong with your leg Stuffins?

Stuffins: What?  Oh no sir.  It’s just a hump… Er, lump.  I have… shingles.

Captain: Carry on Sergeant.  And don’t worry.  God is on our side. 

Leftenant: Stiff upper lip, Stuffins.

Stuffins: Yes sir… Thank you sir…

Captain and Leftenant turn to leave.  A wooden club rises from the grass and SMACKS Stuffins across his bottom.  He YELPS!

Captain: (looking back) For heavens sake Sergeant, don’t egg the little devils on.

Stuffins: (in great pain) Right sir.


Sound EFFECTS: high pitched pygmy voices.  Then, three desperate blasts from the whistle!