71Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

The Inner Sinkdom
A Two Minute Comedy

Timmy, 10
Tommy, 10
Jessica, 11
Jimmy Dean, 10

Lights up on the trunk of a large cedar pine tree.  In it’s low branches is a kid’s tree house.  Hand painted “Keep Out,” “Private,” and skull signs are posted.  Timmy, Tommy and Jimmy Dean  are holding court in their lofty perch.

Jimmy Dean: So I said right to her face, “Ms. Butterworth, you could do Shakespeare offa that balcony!”

Timmy: Naw!

Tommy: Get out!

Jimmy Dean: I did, and she thought I was talking about the songwriter!

They all laugh uproariously.  Enter Jessica.  She has a model sailboat strapped to her backpack.  Jimmy Dean suddenly motions for quiet.

Jimmy Dean: (officious) Halt!  Who goes there?

Jessica: It’s me, Jimmy Dean.

Jimmy Dean: Who is “me?”

Jessica: Jessica Hartley. 

Jimmy Dean: State your business at the Inner Sinkdom.

Jessica: (simply) I don’t have any business, I’m going to sail my boat in the lake.

Jimmy Dean: The Inner Sinkdom’s lake?

Jessica: It's not the "Inner Sinkdom's lake."

Tommy: Yes it is and it's private.

Timmy: Can’t you read?

Jessica: It’s not a private lake.  It’s public property.

Jimmy Dean: Not the part around this tree.  This is our private pathway.  So get off it dweeb!

Jessica: (indignant) This is the shortest path to the lake Jimmy Dean, and I don't want to take the long way around.

A bright red water  balloon arcs down and splatters at Jessica’s feet.

Jimmy Dean:  That’s just a warning shot.  Take one step further and you’ll be the target!

Jessica: You have no right to keep me off this path.  It’s meant for everyone!

Timmy: We were here first.  That's what counts.

Tommy: That’s why we built this fort, stupid.

Jimmy Dean: You see Jessica.  This path is not for you.  It‘s for members only.

Jessica: Okay, so how do I get to be a member?

Tommy: You can’t be.  You’re a girl.

Timmy: And this is a boy’s club!

Jimmy Dean: And our membership is full.

Jessica: Let me guess.  You have three members.

Jimmy Dean: Our membership is secret and we don’t discuss it.  Now leave before I call the Commissar of Enforcement.

Jessica:  What are you afraid of Jimmy Dean?

Timmy and Tommy guffaw.

Jimmy Dean: I ain’t afraid of nothing.

Jessica: Then why did you build a “fort?”

Jimmy Dean: To keep smartass people like you out.

Jessica: So, you must be afraid of me.  Do I threaten you Jimmy?

Jimmy Dean:  You don’t threaten me…

Another water balloon splatters near Jessica.  She jumps, and the boys burst  out laughing.

Jimmy Dean: See?  I threaten you!

Jessica: (angry) No Jimmy Dean.  You are afraid of me!  You’re afraid other kids’ll use this path.  You’re afraid to lose control over them.  You’re afraid to admit you’re a selfish bully sitting in a tree like a monkey!

Tommy: Hey!!

Timmy: You calling Jimmy a monkey?? (to Jimmy) She’s calling you a monkey.

Jessica takes a red plastic gas can from her backpack.  It is marked “Danger Flammable Liquid.”  She unscrews the cap and starts pouring it around the trunk of the tree. 

Jimmy Dean:  Hey!  Hey!  What the hell are you doing?

Jessica: Fighting fire with fire.

Jimmy Dean: (alarmed) You can’t do that!  This is a private property!  Get away from my tree!

Jessica: It’s public property, the tree you’re in is public property and in one minute it’s going to be burned public property.

She drops the can and takes out a lighter.

Jessica:  What’s it gonna be big boy?  Jimmy flambé, or do I get to use the path?

Jimmy: (nervous) What you're doin'... It’s not fair Jessica!

She flicks the lighter…

Jimmy: (desperate) Okay, okay, you can pass!  Who cares about your stupid sailboat anyway!

Jessica: No backsies, no changes, no returns?

Jimmy: (defeated) No.

Jessica picks up the gas can, raises  it to her lips and takes a big  swig.

Jessica:  Mmmm.  I think tap water is actually better than bottled water, don’t you boys?

Timmy & Tommy: Huh??

Jessica: Nice doing business guys.  See you at the “Inner Sinkdom”…

She slings her backpack over her shoulder and heads out.  The boys stare.

Jimmy Dean: (sadly) This is what we‘re up against these days.