69Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre


Jackson Alive!
A Two Minute Comedy

CAST:
Editor in Chief - Washington Star Times
J. Nurdsly - Home Improvement Editor
Sarah Fontaine - Art Beat
Bart Texley - Science Report
Bob Squidly - ‘Looking Good’ columnist
Bubba Groenig -  Religion
Sparky Styks - Pet Corner
Langford Butinsky -  Inside Beltway
Gwen Gold - White House
Cyndy Lumet - Investigative Beat

Tension is high.  The Chief paces the Times newsroom. 

Chief: Alright people I want relevance!   Facts!   Hard-hitting, no punches pulled stories!  We’ve got shrinking column inches so you’re gonna have to have something damned good to get it in this Bulldog Edition!

Nurdsley: Chief, I’ve got two reporters inside Staples Center who are covering the guy who built the Michael Jackson home funeral pyre!

Chief: Yeah?  So what’s the angle?

Nurdsley: Tale of woe Chief.  His house burned down.  He’s destitute.  But a sympathetic radio station gave him two lottery tickets to the funeral.  (reading) “After being released from the Cedar Sinai Burn Center, Mohamar Adair said, ’I’m the luckiest guy in the world!”  Great stuff, eh  Chief?

Chief: Needs more bite for the Bulldog, but I’ll think about it.  Who else?

Fontaine: (excited) Chief I’ve got the interview with Sam Su Chang!

Chief: Whose that?

Fontaine: It’s Michael Jackson’s personal undertaker.  Chang is the one all the celebs go to, Karl Malden, Ricardo Montalban, Pat Hingle.  Supposedly he’s the only one who can really get color right.

Texley: (interrupting) Ah, Chief?  I’ve got a really important story?  Gang Life on Mars Confirmed!  Shouldn’t that go up front?

Chief: You got a Michael Jackson angle on it?

Texley: Er, no Chief.  What kinda angle would that be?

Chief: We’re doing TOP news here people!  That means news people care about!  What makes em tick?  Think?  Feel rotten about themselves?  Gimme meat people!

Texley: Er, how ‘bout Michael Jackson astrological chart reveals Gang Life on Mars?

Chief: (shakes head) Too… ethnic.  Next?

Squidly: (smug) Chief, I’ve got an exclusive with Arnold Klein, Michael’s dermatologist and rumored father of his two children!

Chief: There!  There is what I’m talking about!  Squidly, that’s damned big.  That’s a big piece of news.  You got six inches front page.

Squidly: (happy then hurt) But I’ve got more than six, Chief!

Groenig: Ah, boss, I’ve got a four hour sit-down with Saint Peter himself.  He says, “Working the pearly gates ain’t what it once was.  These days… Heaven is Hell!”  How’s that for a headline?

Chief: Yeah but, how does it fit with our theme here Groenig? 

Groenig: Well, Michael Jackson is soon to be knocking on Peter’s door, right?

Chief: (thinks) Not snappy enough Groenig!  The Bulldog needs snappy!  That’s extreme happy, extreme sad, devastating horror, or sweet touchy feely!  I’ll put Peter on Page Two!

Styks: Chief, I’ve got Animal Planet expert Dawz Zoolander talkin’ therapy for Bubbles. 

Chief: (frowns) Bubbles?  Michael Jackson’s pet monkey?

Styks: That’s the one Chief.  Ever since he was excommunicated from Neverland, Bubbles been in intensive pet therapy.  Zoolander says they’re still using “enhanced” techniques to help the beast.

Chief: Okay…  Get me a video clip of Bubbles looking sad.  Rub onion juice in his eyes if you have to.  And… (thinking) Let’s go with this caption… “Bubbles Blubbers:
He’s Dead?? ”  Jackson pet suffers mental breakdown at unhappy news, etcetera, etcetera…  Got it?

Styks: Yes boss!  I love making this stuff up!

Chief: Next?  We’re getting there kids!

Butinsky: Er, Chief, I know this is off topic but Pentagon’s Men in Black Unit is going on record they are tracking an extraterrestrial mob stealing human identities!

Chief: And?? 

Butinsky: Well sir, don’t you think that the public has a right to know about something like this?

Chief: Did you hear my spiel at the top, Butinsky?  How does it relate to our core message Michael Jackson?  You got a Jackson angle on the ET story?

Butinsky: Er, there’s a gang of ET’s operating in Sherman Oaks?

Chief: (stares) What’s that?

Butinsky: (hesitant) Where “Neverland” was built?

Chief: Relevance people!!  I want RELEVANCE!  Next?

Gwen: Chief, I’ve got Kerry Ramesh, Michael’s Indian chauffer!  And get this… (reads) “After I heard Michael was dead I promised myself I was never going to drive again.”  See, we run the video on top of  George Michael singing “Never Gonna Dance Again.”  (she sings) It’s pure gold, eh Chief??

Chief: (emotional) That… That… I’ve got to admit.  I teared up when  you sang that.  That is the kinda touchy feely we want for the Bulldog!  Nice work Gwennie.  You are the best!!

Lumet: So... You’re not gonna be interested in the Government Agents Claim Whistleblowers “Brain Damaged,” story??

Chief: (pause) Not unless they’re whistling Billy Jean!

BLACKOUT

 Music CUE: Billy Jean