68Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre


Don’t Be an Ass!
A Two Minute Comedy


CAST:
Professor Nuggeled - pompous, 55
Lars Svenmarc - athletic, 30
Billy Mumford - disheveled, 35

Lars and Billy are seated, facing diagonally upstage.  Across from them is a lectern, desk and projection screen.  They are obviously waiting for someone.

Lars: You know how long it’ll be?

Billy: Uh uh.

Pause.

Lars: You ever worked at a zoo before?

Billy: Uh uh.

Lars: (checks watch) I’m missin’ me football.

Billy: Yeah, right.  What game?

Lars: Manchester Dublin.

Billy: And here we are stuck in a bloody “orientation” just so we can shovel some horse shite.

Lars: I’m not shovelin nothin‘.  I’m on the grounds I am.  Weedin and trimmin.

Billy:  I’m in “Species Maintenance.”  Fancy name for shite shovelin.

Enter Professor Nuggeled with briefcase and portable projector.  He fumbles about getting organized. 

Professor: Gentlemen, gentlemen, sorry to be late.  Lateness is a constant reminder that the clock waits for no man and no man should wait upon a clock.  If you will bear with me for just a short time I will be running through the ZSL orientation with the utmost of vigor…

Lars: How long will it take mate?

Professor: Oh, well, most likely I can have you out of here in less than thirty minutes, perhaps twenty if we go on winged feet.

Billy: Why is it we got to be oriented when I’m only here to clean up the droppins of the wild beasts?

Professor: Young man, the work of the Zoological Society is carried out by the most informed, best educated, most dedicated of bio-zoologists.  It is little to ask of those who work with us to take thirty minutes from your busy day to familiarize yourself with the history and thrust of our illustrious institution.

Nuggeled snaps on the projector which shows the ZSL logo screen.


Professor: Now then… I am Professor Flore Nuggeled, BS, MS, PhD, Royal Society, Natural History, etc., etc. etc…. (changing slides) Now, as you can see our collection of species at Zoological Society London includes an astonishing variety of  birds… reptiles… amphibians and of course mammals like this common donkey…

The slide shows a picture of a Zebra.

Professor: We are also recognized the world over for our reptilian…

Lars: (interrupting) Excuse me Professor.  I don’t know much about animals but isn’t that, that picture of a Zebra?

Billy: (agreeing) Yeah, looks like a Zebra to me.

Professor: Well, yes of course to the common man that might look like something else but in fact it is the Equus asinus, also known as the donkey.

Billy: Is it?  I always thought a little horse with the big stripes is called a Zebra (to Lars) In at right?

Lars: White with black stripes, lives in Africa somewhere.  That’s a Zebra to me.

Professor: (patiently) Yes, I’m sure to the untrained eye that what you see is a “Zebra” as you say.  But in fact, it is the modern donkey, most likely descended from the Equus africanus or the E. africanus somaliensus.  Never-the-less it is one of our donkeys, I’m sure you’ll be seeing more of.  Now, moving on…

Lars: (interrupting) But suppose some little nipper comes up to me while I’m trimmin the hedge and says, what kind of animal is that mister?  Suppose I say oh well, that’s called a donkey

Billy: Yeah.  An what if his mum is standin nearby an hears what he says?

Professor: He would be perfectly right.  It is a donkey.

Billy: But don’t a donkey have big ears an no stripes?  This one’s got stripes, dunnit? An those is little ears… Little horse type ears.

Lars: Animals with stripes is like a tiger or a… a Zebra.  Anyone can see that!

Professor: (losing patience) Gentlemen, I assure you that what you see here is the Equus asinus  most likely originated on the plains of Africa but is now found around the world as the common work animal called a donkey.

Billy: (insistent) Then what would a Zebra look like if it don’t look like this?

Professor: A Zebra is a completely different animal !  This, looks nothing like a Zebra!

Lars: Dunna Zebra have a bunch a stripes all over?

Professor: (irritated) Yes, what if they do?

Billy: Well then don’t we have a animal with stripes in the picture?

Lars: (confident) Zebra-like stripes??

Billy: (shaking head) It’ll play bloody murder with history.

Professor: (aghast) With history???

Billy: Yeah.  Who would believe Jesus ridin into Jerusalem on a Zebra?

Professor: (exploding) Just who do you think you are to come marching in to my study hall and tell me that I and fellow members of the Royal Academy of Zoologists are wrong??  Do you think the scientists at the British Biological Society, the Museum of Natural History, the British Museum, the Societe Francais Biologique, and a hundred other academies and societies the world over, are all wrong???

Silence.

Lars:  Quite frankly sir, I would have to say, yes.

Billy: I would too.  If you ask me Professor, I think you made a mistake. 

Professor: (bristling) This is the reason for the demise of western civilization!  We have rank amateurs attempting to know science.  A study that requires intellectual discipline, rigorous attention to detail, willingness to accept consensus, and years… Years of training!!

Lars and Billy exchange looks.


Professor: If I may be so bold as to ask what it is makes either of you think you know better than I ??

Silence.

Billy: Just… Common sense professor. 

Lars: Yeah.  Common sense.

Nuggeled turns abruptly and snaps the projection screen up!! 


Professor: Orientation is over!  (stiffly) Do you have anything else to say?

Lars and Billy stare at each other.

Billy: Hee haw…??

BLACK OUT