66Two Minute Comedy
"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"
A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre
You Are the Light
A Two Minute Comedy
Fitzwilliam - 25, attractive young man
Svetlana - 30, a beautiful woman
Lights up on Svetlana seated behind a desk, doing reception work. Fitzwilliam enters hesitantly, carrying a bouquet of flowers. He is dressed casually, his appearance clean and considered with one exception. He wears a red bandanna around his forehead.
Svetlana: (on headset) Radivan and Paris Talent Agency… No, I’m sorry Mr. Radivan is not in today. May I put you through to voice mail?
She takes no notice of Fitzwilliam who hovers at a distance.
Svetlana: No, Maam, I do not keep his schedule but I’m sure if you leave a message he’ll return your call as soon as he possibly can…
Fitzwilliam starts to have second thoughts. He hesitates.
Svetlana: (annoyed) No Maam, I do not have Mr. Radivan’s home number and I would not give it to you if I did… Because it’s of a personal nature Maam… Well, excuse me but some things need to be kept private…
Fitzwilliam listens. Losing his nerve.
Svetlana: (more annoyed) I’m sorry, what business of yours is it if he’s married? (listens) If I’ve got nothing to hide why wouldn’t I tell you?? Because it isn‘t right. There are some things in the world that are just not right. (listens) Okay, say I asked you what kind of vibrator you use…? Vibrator. (exasperated) A cylindrical battery powered device for having an orgasm! Wouldn’t that be kinda personal??
Fitzwilliam backs away, heading for the exit. Svetlana turns and sees him.
Svetlana: I’m sorry if I’ve offended you Maam but there are lines that should not be crossed….You have a good day too Maam!
She hangs up. Her whole appearance brightens.
Svetlana: (sweetly) Hello, may I help you, sir?
Svetlana: You. May I help you?
Fitzwilliam: (embarrassed) I ah, was wondering if…(pause)
Svetlana: If what, sir?
Fitzwilliam: If you were… always so forceful on the telephone?
Svetlana: Oh that? In a business like this people are always trying to get inside information. You think I was too harsh?
Fitzwilliam: Oh no… No, I was very impressed. It’s a great way to blow someone off.
Svetlana: Well, I wasn’t blowing her off really but you wouldn’t believe the scams people try to pull. I had one guy, a desperate actor come in here pretending he was from the FBI. He almost had me except the badge he showed said “City of Metropolis.” Like I haven’t seen Batman a hundred times.
Fitzwilliam: He was a fraud.
Svetlana: Yes… So, what can I help you with? (noticing flowers) Who’s the lucky girl? Or boy.
Fitzwilliam: (pause) They’re for you.
He steps forward with the flowers.
Svetlana: For me? What have I done to deserve this?
Fitzwilliam: You… Don’t recognize me do you?
Svetlana: (stares) I’m sorry I can’t say I do.
Fitzwilliam: It’s okay. I’m a messenger. I deliver here a lot. Scripts and outlines and stuff.
Svetlana: (no clue) Sure… Of course I recognize you… You’re from the bike service, right?
Fitzwilliam: Right. Most of us are on bikes actually…
Phone rings. Svetlana answers.
Svetlana: Radivan and Paris Talent Agency… (listens) Okay and where are you from? Hilary Clinton? The Secretary of State Hilary Clinton? That’s funny because the paper in front of me says she’s making a speech today in Tel Aviv… My point is, how can she be calling from Washington if she’s ten thousand miles away in Israel? (listens) Okay fine, have a nice day… (shrugs at Fitzwilliam)
Fitzwilliam: Did I mention I work for Lord and Taylor? Mostly for Lord.
Svetlana: (smiles) You’ve got a sense of humor.
Fitzwilliam: In my business you need one.
Svetlana: (studies him) So what’s with the pirate look?
Fitzwilliam: (self conscious) What?
Svetlana: That bandanna around your head?
Fitzwilliam: Oh this? It’s… It’s just a disguise.
Svetlana: Why a disguise?
Fitzwilliam: Because I’m self conscious.
Svetlana: Of what?
Fitzwilliam: Of who I am.
Svetlana: And who are you?
Fitzwilliam: Just a messenger.
Svetlana: (smiles) So, what’s your message?
Fitzwilliam: That… that you are the light.
Svetlana: (pause) The light?
Fitzwilliam: For me… You are… the light.
Svetlana: What’ve I done to deserve this?
Fitzwilliam: I just know it. I see it.
Svetlana: (doubtful) Are you for real?
Fitzwilliam: I know it sounds crazy. But I can see you. I can really see you. And… and what I see makes me… Makes us, very happy. You bring joy, and happiness and that… That is the light.
Svetlana stares at him. He hands her the flowers.
Svetlana: My God… You’re serious aren’t you?
Fitzwilliam: Yes, I am.
Svetlana: (touched) Then, thank you. Thank you very much.
Phone rings. Svetlana motions for him to wait.
Svetlana: Radivan and Paris Talent… (listens) May I say whose calling? (listens) Mother Teresa? Really?
During next, Fitzwilliam takes his leave. He stops to look at Svetlana, touches the eye of his bandanna, exits.
Svetlana: (gently) Because I could swear that Mother Teresa has passed on. (listens) It’s not that I doubt you but I am fairly aware of current events and I’m pretty sure that the good Mother is no longer with us…
Svetlana turns and sees that he’s gone. She hesitates, touches one of the flowers. Lights get brighter and brighter until she disappears into the white background.
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