65Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

A Level Field
A Two Minute Comedy

Findley - 30, from Manchester
Spikes - 30, from Manchester

The two guys are sitting at a pub, drinking beer.

Findley: So what you think about the new rule?

Spikes: Which new rule?

Findley: About the scoring.

Spikes: What about the scoring?

Findley: Well, wiv the new rule if one team scores a goal, other team gets one free kick to make up for it.

Spikes: (stares) What?  You mean they get a free goal kick?

Findley: Right. 

Spikes: If my team scores a goal I have to trot down to my end of the field and defend against me opponent free goal kick?

Findley: Right.

Spikes: So I am penalized for scoring a goal??

Findley: (shrug) Yeah.  To even things out a little.

Spikes: (irritated) Even things out???  That’s shite!  What kind of rule is that?

Findley: I think it’s called a “level playing field” rule. 

Spikes: A “level playing field??” 

Findley: That way the game has a better chance of being close.  More fair, it is.

Spikes: It’s not more fair!!  It’s a bloody robbery!  They’re saying if you score a goal, which is the whole point of playing the game of football… If you score a goal, you  got to give the opponent a free crack at you!!  It’s like saying if you win the lottery you’ve got a give the money back!!

Findley: (shrugs) Supposed to make the game more excitin‘.

Spikes: What would make a team want to play hard?  If they pull out a cheeky nice play and score a goal - then they got to give the lazy bastards on the other team a free shot at tying it up!  At’s bloody thievery!

Findley: (simply) They’re not stealing anything.  They get a chance to match your goal. 

Spikes: They don’t have to do any work!  They can be a bunch of lazy old billys and wait for me to score so’s they get a free kick!  That’s un-sportsmanlike welfare!

Findley: No it’s not.  It’s givin’ the other guy a slap on the back.   A little encouragement to get back in the game.

Spikes: (stares) It is not!!  If I score a goal it’s because my team did something right.  We passed the ball, we intercepted their pass, we beat em on footwork!  You score a goal because you play well.  If we play well why should they get the free shot??

Findley: It’s not all about winning you know.

Spikes: (louder) It’s not all about winning?  It’s a bloody football game!  You know what a game is, right?

Findley:  Right.

Spikes: A game is a game built on competition.  One team tries to beat the other team.  That’s what competition is!

Findley: But it may not be the best kind a game.

Spikes: Oh??  What would be the best kind a game?  My team scores a goal, your team comes in off the bench to take a free kick??  Big surprise it’s a bloody tie game!!   You call that a game??

Findley: Yeah.  If I was wiv the other team I’d be like, “Hey we could still win this jack.”  I wouldn’t be discouraged or nuffin.

Spikes: (incredulous) You wouldn’t be discouraged?  

Findley: See, if you was to score like three goals in a row wiv no free kicks, I would be like, “Oh fuck it, what’s the bloody point?  Let’s go get knackered.”

Spikes: If I score three bloody goals in a row it’s because my team is better than yours you doddering dunce!!

Findley: (bright) But wiv the free kick rule I’ve got three chances to make a comeback and even the score!

Spikes: (screams) AND THAT'S THE BLOODY HELL OF IT!!!

Findley: (defensive) So like no one is really better than the other.  That’s fair!

Spikes grabs Findley around the neck and throttles him!

Findley: (gasping) This is not in the spirit of it…!!

Spikes: (raging) But if you die, you get a free kick!

Findley frantically grabs Spikes.  The two strangle each other.

Findley: And that’s what makes it a level field!

They jockey back and forth as we…