64Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

Shoot Ole Willie
A Two Minute Comedy

Massa Wright, white, about 50
Ole Willie, black, near 60

Wright carries a shotgun and a chain.  Willie circles around stage with Wright in pursuit.

Wright: Willie!  Willie don’t make me shoot ya, boy!

Willie: (breathless) Oh massa… don all be shootin Willie…

Wright: I got a right, boy!

Willie: Yessa, massa, ‘cept ol Willie done stop now…

Wright: You done stop fer sure, Willie?  This here’s eighteen gauge an’ll tear guts clean out yer bowels.

Willie: I done massa… I done…

Willie sinks to the ground in front of Wright.

Wright: (angry) Willie you ought know better an to up an run on me!  What I done to deserve you runnin, Willie?

Willie: Ain’t done much massa…

Wright: Then why you go runnin’ Will?  Y’know I’ll have punish ya hard fer this?

Willie: Oh yeahes, massa.  Ize tryin be free massa.  But ole Willie should know mo n’ dis massa.  Should know mo…

Wright: Take off em shoes Willie.  So’s ya ain’t a tempted to run agin.

Willie: Yeahas massa….

Willie takes his shoes off.

Wright: An put this here chain round yer blackass neck Willie.

Wright throws a chain and choke collar at Willie’s feet.  Willie looks up plaintively.

Willie: I ain’t gwan no wheres now massa.

Wright: (hard) The chains Willie.  You’s a runner now an the whole plantation need know that.

Willie reluctantly puts the chains round his neck and wrists.

Willie: I done runnin, massa.  Willie know runnin wrong…  Please dona hurt dem chillums, massa.  Dem chillums done nuthin wrong…

Wright: I got do sumthin Willie.  You a runnin an all makes fer a mighty punishment.  Over to next manner, Bevelywood?  Massa Tom took a foot off ole Jake what runned!

Willie: (terrified) Oh no massa!  I ain’t goanna run agin, that sure!  Don take da foot, massa!  Willie not pick nothing wid no foots on his feet!

Wright: (stares) I gonna have ta sell those chillums yers Willie…

Willie: Oh no massa!!  Don no sellin dem chillun they done nothin wrong!  Dem little bablies mine be fine strong slave hand for da massa sum day!

Wright: No Willie.  I gonna sell them kids and have to take fifty stripes out yer back fer the runnin.  You done know’d better Willie.

Willie: Take dem stripes massa, donna take dem chillums mine!  Why’s you takin dem chillums?

Wright: Simple Willie.  You’s a nayger.  Naygers is not a man, see?  Naygers is a bad man.  Born bad from day he come out the nayger womb, see?  It’s a reason you be colored all over black, Willie.  Ain’t that right?

Willie: (hangs his head) Das right, massa.  Naygers is God’s bad man.

Wright: And naygers done go an run off gotto be punished, Willie.  At’s what the Lord says and we know the Lord word cain’t be a question.

Willie: Dat Lawd’s put Willie on de earf, you right in dat massa.

Wright: See, Willie, you ain’t meant to be free.  You meant to serve  us white folks so’s the good Lord can smile and say… Them naygers is doin Lord’s work!

Willie: You tellin true, massa.  Willie dun wrong to good Lawd. 

Wright: Now go on an git up nice an slow, Willie.  Them chains’ll keep that runnin fear in ya now on.

Willie struggles to his feet.  Tears flowing down his cheeks.

Willie: Dear lawd an massa, massa, giv ole Willie two hunred stripes an please, please don sell Willie’s chillems.

Wright: Gonna sell em chillums Willie.  Ain’t no need fer runnin ninnies round a good plantation.  Makes a stench t’other naygers get all over em.

Willie: (crying) Lawd, lawd, massa, shoot ole Willie wid da gun now massa!  Shoot Willie so’s he not seen da chillens selled.  Shoot Willie so’s he tear out da devel done make him run!

Wright: Shootin’s too good for ya nayger ass, boy.  Imma gonna make you a sample.  Sample a what’s in store fer any nayger try an run from the Lord’s work.

Willie: (weeping) Praise lawd and massa…

Wright: It’ll be fer the better Willie.  Y’all git yer two hundred stripe like you ask.  An I sell them bastard chillums fer what dirt money we git.  An maybe take two Willie fingers ‘at open the door you run through.  That way’d every body and the Lord see you done pay fer yer wrong.

Willie: Take two finger massa.   Give Willie dem stripes.  My chillums is my luvs, massa.  Don take my luvs…

Wright: You’s a no good nayger, Willie.  Bad ‘nuf I gotta keep ya here live.  But the chillen git sole t’night and I ain’t gonna hear no more.  Now move ‘at black ass back over at field to the whippin tree.  I ready late fer my supper and I gotta start with fifty stripes fer I git my bread an butter tonight!

Willie moves off with Wright behind. 

Wright: Goddamn nayger Willie!  Missin my supper and more work for massa!  Done you naygers ever think how you hurt the white man?  Done you ever?