63Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre


Blind Date
A Four Minute Two Minute Comedy


CAST:
Jack - A young man, 30
Wanda - A young woman, 25
Waiter, 40

Jack is seated at restaurant table, reading a menu.  He glances around expectantly.  The Waiter approaches. 

Waiter: Excuse me sir, can I start you off with a cocktail?

Jack: Ah, no, not right now I’m waiting for someone.

Waiter: Of course.  Perhaps an appetizer?  A shrimp cocktail or a nice ceviche? 

Jack: Oh no, no thanks.  I’ll just wait until my date gets here.

Waiter:  Very good.  Is it a young lady you‘re waiting for?

Jack: Why, yes.  It is. 

Waiter: (delicately) Red dress?  Interesting hair? 

Jack: Actually, I don’t really know what she looks like.  It’s a blind date.

Waiter: (quietly) I see, said the blind sailor… May I tell her your name?

Jack: (hesitant) Well, sure…  Yes.  It’s Jack.  Jack Johnson.  Thank you very much.  I’m not very good at this, you can tell.

Waiter: None of us are, Mr. Johnson.  Just one moment and I’ll speak to the young lady.

Waiter exits.  Jack fidgets.  After a moment, Waiter returns with Wanda.  She has a lovely figure fitted in an attractive cocktail dress.  She’s also wearing a convincing Paris Hilton mask.

Waiter: It’s moments like this that make me love my job.  Jack, this is Wanda.  Wanda, this is Jack.  (Jack stares.)   I’ll just let you two get settled and come back for drinks in a bit, okay?

Jack: (stunned) Okay…

Wanda: (to Waiter) Just don‘t go far.  (perky) Sorry I’m late, at the last minute my cat decided to regurgitate the mouse she caught this afternoon.  What a mess!  Did you know cats don’t digest animal matter well? 

Jack: No… I didn’t know that. 

Wanda: Well, it’s true.  I think I read somewhere that cats are the only animal that can land on all four feet no matter how you throw them in the air.  I know, it’s worthless trivia but I find it fascinating, don’t you?

Jack: I… Hadn’t really thought about it. 

Wanda: Do you like cats Jack?

Jack: (recovering) Big ones yes.  I particularly like the Bengal tiger.

Wanda: Really?  Why is that?

Jack: Oh, I don’t know.  Something about the stripes and the… face, and the big claws.  They’ve got these enormous claws you know.

Wanda: I didn’t know.  I can imagine.  You’ve raised Bengal tigers?

Jack: No, of course not, I…

Wanda: You’re a zoologist?  Work for the World Wildlife Fund?  Traveled in Injia?

Jack: (pause) None of the above.  I just like big, dangerous felines I suppose.

Wanda: Ah.  Then you’d love my kitty, Zelda.  Like the character she’s wild and free.  But when she gets angry, watch out.  You should’ve seen what she did to that poor little mouse.

Jack: I can imagine.

Wanda: (signaling Waiter) Shall we have cocktails?   I’m parched.  All the way over here I was visualizing a green Appletini.  Ever had one of those Jack?

Jack: Can’t say that I have.  Have I missed something?

Wanda: Of course you have.  An Appletini is the first real gift of the twenty first century!

Jack: Funny.  I thought it was Al Gore’s Nobel Prize.

Wanda: Ha!  Zing!  You must be a Republican.  How is it that I always get fixed up with Republicans?

Jack: I’m not a Republican, I’m a pragmatist.  Which means there’s no need to discuss politics.

Wanda: Oh good.  Whenever that happens I start to sweat and feel a compulsion to admit I vote under an assumed name.

Jack: Really?  Why is that?

Wanda: Isn’t it obvious Jack?  I’m hiding something.  Where is that waiter?  He looked like a stalker I went out with last year.

Jack: What in the world would you have to hide, Wanda?

Wanda: Oh, you have no idea, Jack.  No idea.

Waiter arrives and strikes a pose.

Waiter: What can I start you off with young lady?

Wanda: How nice of you to notice, sir.  I’ll have a double Appletini, lime twist, hold the V.   (to Jack) What’s your poison Jack?

Jack: I’ll have a Rolling Rock, green bottle, no G.

Waiter: I’m sorry?  No “G?”

Jack: No glass.  Thanks.

Waiter smiles at them both and exits.


Wanda: Nice order Jack.  Did I detect a hint of sarcasm?

Jack: I certainly hope not.  I think it’s too early for that kind of behavior, don’t you?

Wanda: If you had said that ten minutes ago yes, but now, it’s fair game.

Jack: So tell me Wanda, what is it made you want to go on a blind date this evening?

Wanda: Did I tell you my cat ate a mouse earlier?  I needed some fresh air.

Jack: And why did you agree to come out with me?

Wanda: From your profile you seemed alright.  The dating service is reliable, and I liked your tweets on Twitter.  Why’d you ask me?

Jack:  I felt a dangerous kind of attraction when you said you had a tattoo and rode mountain bikes. 

Wanda: Yeah.  Most guys like that.  I also tell ‘em I’m a rock climber and a tri-athlete.  None of it’s true.

Jack: And I thought you sounded “normal.”

Wanda: Dear God, you think I’m “normal?”

Jack: In a good way.  (pause) I find it hard to relate to women in this town.

Wanda: Oh?  Why’s that?

Jack: I don’t know.  They all seem to be playing at something.

Wanda: (dry) You mean like baseball?

Jack: I mean like they appear to be pretending.

Wanda: That’s a general generalization wouldn’t you say?

Jack: I suppose, yes. 

Wanda: So, do you think that I’m playing at something?

Jack stares at Wanda’s mask.

Jack: I think it would be impolite to say.

Waiter arrives with drinks.

Waiter: Here we are… Double Appletini, no V for the lady… And a Rolling Rock no “G” for the gentleman.  Can I get you anything else?

Jack: No.  Thank you.

Wanda: Just don’t go too far, waiter.

Waiter: (stares at her) The kitchen is a mere twenty feet to your left.

Wanda gestures.  Waiter exits.

Wanda: So, you’re saying that I’m playing at something? 

Jack: No.  No, don’t take this the wrong way.

Wanda: You’re saying I’m not playing at something?  I’m confused.

Jack: (suddenly toasting)  Here’s to a fortuitous meeting, Wanda and Jack.  (they drink)

Wanda: I’m sorry but why do I get the impression you think I’m hiding something?

Jack: (stares) Did I give that impression?

Wanda: Yeah.  You look like you don’t trust me.  Where’s that come from?

Jack: (sensing danger) Who said I don’t trust you?  I was talking about women in general.

Wanda: Let’s talk about Wanda, Jack.  Is there something here you don’t trust?

Jack: No.

Wanda: (annoyed) Is there something I’ve done causes you to be suspicious?

Jack stares.  Drinks his beer.


Jack: No.

Wanda: Then where does this hostility come from?

Jack: Hostility?

Wanda: The way you’re looking at me like I’m some kind of mutant ninja?

Jack: Wanda, I think we’re heading in the wrong direction here.

Wanda: And what direction would that be Jack?  I mean who said I’m “pretending?”

Jack: Not me.  I said that about… other women. And I really didn’t mean all other women just…

Wanda: Jack, I’ve had a fucking hard day.  I watched my cat chew the head off a mouse this afternoon and then spit it up whole this evening.  Do you know how that makes me feel?

Jack: I can imagine.

Wanda: Can you?  And then I come out on a date that I really don’t need and I’m accused of being somebody I am not! 

Jack: I didn’t…

Wanda: (angry) How do you suppose that makes me feel?

Jack glances around desperately.

Wanda: Jack? Hello?

Jack: (rises) I… Have to use the washroom, Wanda.  I’ll be right back.

Wanda: Fine.  Send the waiter over while you’re at it.  Least I can get drunk.

Jack exits.  Waiter arrives.  His tone has changed.

Waiter: How is it going?

Wanda: Just fine.  I’ll have the little monkey back in his cage in an hour.

Waiter: (impressed) I never said you work slow.

Wanda: And you never will, Junior.  You never will.

FADE TO BLACK

White card: “To Be Continued…”