60Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

Crisis at E-con
A Two Minute Comedy

General Blustiforus - a ruthless despot
Jeffers  - a butler
Thingly - a hapless functionary
Babybot - a bot

A very high regal chair, back to the audience, downstage center.   It is lit in a throne-like way.  A bell rings impatiently.  Blustiforus speaks with a helium high pitch from deep within the chair.

General:  Jeffers!  Jeffers!  Come at once!

Jeffers, hurries in nervously.

Jeffers: Yes General?  What can I do for you General?

General: Jeffers, I’ve just seen the latest numbers on our economic crisis campaign and they are in the toilet!  The toilet, I say!

Jeffers: Yes sir.  The toilet.

General: I want you to get Algone Thingly in here, Jeffers.  Immediately!  Do you hear me?

Jeffers: Yes sir.  Algone Thingly immediately (he turns)

General: Oh and Jeffers… Tell him he’s to receive a commendation, will you?

Jeffers: (shudders) Yes sir… A commendation.

General: And bring Babybot another bottle will you?  He’s been restless all morning.

Jeffers: (hesitant) I… have one right here, General.

Jeffers pulls a baby bottle from his jacket pocket.  He hands it to the General who does not turn around.

General: Is it the “Pillow Time” formula Jeffers?

Jeffers: Yes sir, it is.  Warm milk, with a hazelnut cream swirl and fifty five milligrams of valium.

General: Perfect Jeffers.  Now, go find Thingly.  I am going to get to the bottom of this pathetic campaign if it takes me all week!!

Jeffers: Very good sir, General…

Jeffers exits.  The General swivels the chair around to face the audience.  He is a little man with a shaved head and tiny dark glasses.  In his lap is Babybot, wrapped in a powder blue blanket.  General gazes down at the baby.

General: (baby talk) Now you listen to me little Babybot!  Never ever try to dominate the world without a pack of thieves, killers and liars!  You hear me sweet pea?  If you use the smart and honest people they’ll just let you down.  Like now.  You’d think we’d learned our lesson,  right little sweet pea?? 

He rocks the baby lovingly.

General: Now how bout you do something for me?  Babybot wanna kick?  Hmmm?  Baby bot wanna kick??

General lifts the baby up and suddenly it’s leg kicks the air.  General bursts into a smile.

General: Oooh, what a good Babybot kick!  Babybot punch?  Hmmm?  Babybot gonna punch for papa?

The baby’s arm flies up.  And down.  And up again.  Mechanically.

General: (ecstatic) Ooh, what a good Babybot punch!  My little champion, warrior.  My little…

Jeffers enters, followed by Thingly.

Jeffers: (announcing) Algone Thingly, sir General sir.

General: (darkens) Thank you Jeffers, that’ll be all.  (Jeffers exits) Hello Thingly, how are you today?

Thingly: (very nervous) I’m, I’m… not feeling too well, sir General.

General: I couldn’t care less Thingly.  I want to know why our economic crisis campaign is failing miserably? 

Thingly: Failing sir?

General: (yells) Yes damnit!! (Babybot starts to cry) Each and every network, newspaper and radio station is showing plunging numbers.  Viewers down, subscriptions cancelled, listeners gone to the internet!  You’re supposed to be selling an economic collapse Thingly!  A crisis.  A catastrophe!  Stuff that commands headlines!  Instead, we’re getting ratings in the goddamned toilet!  The toilet!!

Thingly: Sir, we just don’t understand why this is…

General: Thingly I’ve given you the entire mainstream media, haven’t I??

Thingly: Er, yes, sir.

General: You’ve got liberal networks, conservative radio, socialist newspapers, communist labor!!  You’ve got major economic think tanks and government bodies, and almost sixty percent of the Congress, don’t you?

Thingly: Yes, sir.  But if I may say, sir…

General: (furious) You may not say anything you quivering ninny!!  (Babybot cries louder)  Thingly, you assured me that you could collapse any system given control of their media, key government agencies and a plurality of politicians.  Well I’ve delivered that goddamnit!!

Thingly: (shaking) Sir, in my own defense…

General: You know I don’t tolerate failure around here Thingly?  Have you heard that wild rumor??

Babybot cries louder and starts kicking one leg.  General tries to quiet it. 

Thingly: (terrified) General Blustiforus, it’s the people, sir.  The people just don’t want to listen to our message.  They don’t believe General.  For some reason they just don’t believe any of it!

General: Well, I’m gonna give you something to believe in Thingly…

Babybot kicks General in the chin! 

General: (enraged) I’m gonna give you a COMMENDATION!

The trapdoor beneath Thingly opens, Thingly yells and drops out of sight!  General calms himself, holds Babybot in front of him.

General: (soothing) It’s all over Babybot.  The bad man is gone now.  The bad man is gone! 

He cradles Babybot lovingly. 

General: I know this has been a trial.  I know this has been unfair my sweet pea.  Shall we have some Pillow Time now?  Do we want some Pillow Time??

General sucks on the baby bottle.  Then puts it in Babybot’s mouth.

General: (sweetly) When you’re all grown up Babybot you’re gonna have global domination troubles too, won’t you?  Global domination is a hard thing sweet pea.  (yawns) A very hard thing…

He nods off.  Babybot’s arm mechanically punches the air.  Up and down.  Up and down.