59Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre


Talkin’ Sheep
A Two Minute Comedy


CAST:
Willy - middle aged guy
Fred - middle aged guy

The two men wearing sheep costumes, look out at the audience.  We HEAR bleating in the b.g.

Willy: Look at em Fred.  Nothing like it used to be.

Fred: Tell me about it.  It’s like we got a big spotlight shining on us.

Willy: Maybe it’s the smell.  Maybe we should look into pheromones or body wash?

Fred: Something.  What’s it been?  Week?  Two weeks? 

Willy: Sixteen days.  Sixteen long days without a meal.

Fred: I never had to go this long Willy.  I’m startin’ to get weak.  Like in my knees weak.

Willy: You hear that sound?  That’s not the earth moving.  It’s my stomach. 

Fred: What’re we gonna do Will?

Willy: I dunno.  Used to be so easy.  Trot right into the flock, isolate the weak and the lame, separate em out… and it’s dinner time! 

He throws off his sheep head to reveal a wolf’s head beneath.

Willy: (wistful)  Lamb chops.  Mutton chops.  Leg o’ lamb.  Damn I’m hungry!

Fred takes off his sheep head.

Fred: What do you think tipped em off Will?  Was it the deep voice?  (bleats deeply)  Or maybe the way I walk?

Fred struts in a canine-like way.

Willy:  Well, it didn’t help that you put on a bib last time we went in.

Fred: Hey, I don’t like blood down my front!

Willy: Yeah but you didn’t think someone might notice a sheep wearing a bib around his neck?

Fred: What’s wrong?  What do sheep know from good dining?

Willy: And the bib says “Fred’s Chop House” on it?  You don’t think they notice these things?

Fred: Since when does a sheep know how to read?

Willy: They don’t have to read a bib that’s got a picture of a lamb chop on it!

Fred: (pause) Wait a minute.  How would a sheep know what a lamb chop looked like?

Willy and Fred stare at each other.


Fred: Think about it…

Willy: Okay tell me this.  Why did you ask that old sheep Muttonhead if the pasture was, “accessible?”

Fred: What?  Why not?

Willy: Why not?  “Accessible?” 

Fred: (stares) You know a faster way to find the weak and the lame?

Will SMACKS Fred back of the head!

Willy:  Why don’t you just tell him you’re wolf in sheep’s clothing??

Fred: (indignant) Honesty never worked for me!

Willy: It was right after that we started getting the cold shoulder.

Fred: Oh!  So you put the blame on me?

Willy: And then you started that phony limp!

Fred: (deadly serious) It’s not phony Will. 

Willy: And the bleating with a French accent?

Fred: (pause) What?

Willy: Do you think a real sheep has ever been to France?

Fred: Who’s to say they don’t travel?

Willy: (irritated) Fred… You know that empty, growling feeling in your stomach?

Fred: Yeah?

Willy: (smacks him) It’s because of you!

Fred: Don’t hit me! (kicks Will) I don’t see you pulling the wool so fast!

Willy: Maybe I could if you hadn’t blown our cover!

Fred: Cover?  You call these stinkin’ suits cover?  Look how short the sleeves are…?

Fred shows his sleeves.

Will: (pause) Okay I got an idea.  It’s gonna cost us, but it just might work.

Fred: What’s that?

Will: Instead of disguising ourselves as sheep, we wait until dark,  knock off the shepherd, slip into the shepherd skin, and then stalk the sheep!

Fred: (thinks) Hey, that’s not bad.  (suddenly) Wait a minute!  Shepherds only got two feet.

Will: Yeah?

Fred: We got four feet.

Will: What’s your point?

Fred: How does a wolf fit into a shepherd skin?

Will: (shrugs) Guys in the city do it all the time.  Be polite, and tell the sheep you care.

FADE TO BLACK

Fred: (pause) Can I use my French accent?

We hear a THUMP!

Fred: (angry) Told ya don’t hit me!!