56Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

Equal Equality
A Two Minute Comedy

Michael Fips - Olympic Gold Medalist
Commandant Brusqoff - Official at Global Equalization Board
Jackboot 1 - armed officer
Jackboot 2 - armed officer
Director OS - offstage TV director

Lights up on Michael Fips, in swimsuit and tank top, with six Olympic gold medals around his neck.  He is brightly lit by TV lights, and is reading from cue cards.

Fips: (awkward) Remember kids, eat healthy, exercise daily and don’t forget to tell your parents you love ‘em.  I’m Michael Fips and if you want to be like me - stay in school!

Director: (on intercom) Okay Mike.  Let’s go again, and try to smooth it out a little bit.  Relax, read the cards, and have fun.  Remember we want kids to see you as a friend.

Michael: I am a friend.  You know I love kids. 

Director: (OS) I know… In three, two, one…

Brusqoff: (interrupting) Alright hold it!  Hold everything.  Nobody move!

Brusqoff and the two Jackboots enter.  Brusqoff goes directly to Michael.

Brusqoff: Are you Michael Fips?

Michael: (hesitant) Yes.

Brusqoff: Michael Fips the Olympic champion swimmer who has won… (counts) six gold medals?

Michael: Yes?

Director: (on intercom) Excuse me!  Who are you, and what are you doing on my set??

Brusqoff: (officious) I am Commandant Brusqoff, Senior Enforcement Officer of the Global Equalization Board for Equalization!  Who are you?

Director: (OS) I am the director of this public service announcement and I respectfully ask you to leave!  This is costing us money here!

Brusqoff: Sorry, but I am on official Board of Equalization business.

Michael: What business is that?

Brusqoff: (to Michael) Michael Fips, you are hereby required to surrender any and all trophies, prizes, medals, ribbons or awards given to you in recognition of performance in sporting competition!

Michael stares.  Brusqoff  suddenly tears two medals from around his neck!

Michael: (stunned) What the hell???

Brusqoff: According to the Board of Equalization, Section 147, subpart B and E, (reads) “No citizen or legal alien shall accept trophies, awards, prizes or other compensation that would recognize their excelling above or beyond the normative state of any other citizen.”

Michael: What the hell’s that mean?

Brusqoff: (smug) It means it’s against the law to be better than anyone else.

Michael: But I am better than anyone else!  I won those medals in Olympic competition!

Brusqoff: Which makes them illegal contraband.

Michael: Contraband?  Why?

Brusqoff: It should be obvious!  Just because you win a silly swimming race does not mean you’re any better than any other citizen!

Director: (OS) Excuse me…

Brusqoff: (up, threatening) I don’t want to hear a word out of you!

Director: (OS) But this is an outrage!

Brusqoff pulls a pistol and FIRES into the rafters!  A loudspeaker CRASHES to the floor!

Director:  (terrified) Fascist!

Michael:  (stunned) You can’t just take away my medals.  I won those fair and square.

Brusqoff: No.  You won the race but are undeserving of any reward or compensation other than the accomplishment itself.

Michael: But I have thousands of dollars in bills to pay.  Years of training, exercising, working day and night to get to the top! 

Brusqoff: Then you can work like every other citizen at menial labor until you’ve paid your debts.  You are not special Mr. Fips.

Michael: I’m not special but I’ve excelled…

Brusqoff: (sneering) Which doesn’t mean anything to us.  (gesturing) The rest of your medals please…

Michael hesitates.  Brusquoff glances at the Jackboots who step forward.  Michael relents, takes off his medals and hands them to Brusqoff.

Brusqoff: Every citizen is equal Mr. Fips.  Rewards, prizes, compensation for achievement are a thing of the past.  As we repeat redundantly, “In the end you’ll see the wisdom in this.” (to Jackboots) Gentlemen…

They all turn in formation and march offstage.  Michael stares.  Looks up into rafters.

Michael: (worried) Are you alright?