55Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre


Brush It Off
A Two Minute Comedy


CAST:
Brush Bimblaw - radio talk show host
Bed Taxter - TV newscaster
Julia - a beautiful model
Absurdly - offstage producer

Lights up on a opulent radio studio.  Seated at a desk with a prominent boom microphone is Brush Bimblaw.  On either side of  him, angled toward audience are two large video screens.  One displays the Brush Bimblaw logo, the other a muted ANBC newscast with Bed Taxter.

Brush: (drumming fingers) Which is why I keep telling you people that the liberal media is behind all of this and the goal, the one thing they want more than any other thing in the world, is the total collapse of the American values you and I so deeply care about.  Mark my words.  If the Democrats get their way, you all will be swimming in the waters of political chaos!  Back after these crass commercial messages that help pay my exorbitant rent!

He gestures to an offstage engineer.  Bumper MUSIC comes on.

Absurdly: (on intercom) That’s a two sixty second break back to the second Segment Brush.

Brush: (reading notes) And we’ve got Senator Schumer coming up at the top?

Absurdly: That’s right.

Brush: (turning to the video screen) Let’s see what lies Bed Taxter is spouting today…

He hit’s a remote and the TV SOUND comes on.


Taxter: And in breaking news this bit of sadness for all those ditto heads out there.  The ANBC network has just announced the retirement of radio talk show host and conservative voice of America Mr. Brush Bimblaw…

Brush: What???

Taxter: In a stunning and unpredicted announcement just moments ago ANBC President and CEO Noah Chomposky said that while it saddens the network to see him go, Mr. Bimblaw has decided to retire from his popular radio show in order to pursue independent media projects…

Brush: What the hell is this???  Some kinda joke??  Who the hell says I’m going to retire??

Taxter: (directly to camera) We do Brush.  We here at ANBC.  And we’d like to thank you for the twenty years of service you’ve given us.

Brush: (stunned) You talking to me?

Taxter: Of course I am Brush.  There’s no one else there.

Brush: (stunned) What kind of scurrilous bullshit is this?

Taxter: Now Brush.  Don’t get angry.  You will be well taken care of…

Brush: (outraged) I don’t want to be well taken care of…

Taxter: In fact we’d like to present you with a small token of our deep appreciation.  Julia?

Julia, a stunning model in a ball gown, sweeps onstage bearing a golden microphone statue.  She strikes a pose next to Brush who stares, flabbergasted. 

Taxter: On behalf of the entire ANBC network…

Voice: (offscreen background) Fuck you!

Taxter: (frowns) …and President Noah Chomposky who couldn’t be here…there.  Please accept this Golden Microphone Award for outstanding achievement in radio…drama.

Julia thrusts the statue in front of Brush.  He stares. 

Taxter: Go ahead Brush!  Take your award.  I can’t think of a better person more deserving of the prestigious…

Brush: (pushing the award away) I don’t know what kind of a wise-ass joke you think you’re playing but I want you out of my studio in ten seconds or I call my security team!

Taxter: They’re our security team Brush.  They have instructions to remove you from the building if you do not cooperate.  You’re going to cooperate aren’t you?

Brush: (stares, pause)  You‘re replacing me with someone else?

Taxter: (brightening)  Well, yes Brush.  We think we’ve found the perfect man for the job!

Brush: And who is that?

Taxter: See for yourself!

Taxter turns and Brush Bimblaw strides onto the set and sits next to Taxter.  He is an exact look-alike of Brush onstage.

Brush: (onscreen) I know, it’s kind of spooky isn’t it?

Brush: (onstage) What in God’s name…??

Brush: (onscreen) Na, we don’t use that expression around here Brush.

Taxter: You see Brush… We really appreciate you building us an audience of twenty two million ditto heads that hang on your every word.

Brush: (onscreen) We just figured that it’s time for us to get down to the gritty of our mission.

Brush: (onstage, shocked) Which is what?

Brush: (onscreen) Well, it’s to continue your theme of course.  Conservative values.  Breakdown of the family.  Free enterprise, blah, blah, blah.  But we have a kind of spin on the story Brush.  See,  from now on
every time that you… or…I, talk about impending socialism, and one-world government, central planning etc.  I’ll be subliminally planting the seeds of the very things I claim to detest!  It’s inverse suggestion.  Sorta like hypnosis.  Clever isn’t it?

Brush: (onstage, digesting this) You will never get away with this.

Brush: (onscreen) Take your statue Brush.  It’s sixteen caret gold plate.  Put it up on the shelf next to your Reagan pictures.  And, enjoy your retirement.  You’ve earned it.

Brush: (onstage) You won’t get away with this!  You won’t get away with it!

Taxter: Listen Brush.  The girl?  Julia?  Is very nice.  She’d be happy to take care of you on your way out tonight.  If you know what I mean.

Julia primps.  Brush, in shock, takes the statue from her.

Julia: (gently) Come on honey.  I know how we can make this a happy ending.

Brush stares.  Taxter and Brush onscreen wave happily.

Brush: (onscreen) So long Brush!  And thanks for everything!

The stage lights fade down to a single spot on Brush’s face.

Absurdly: (on intercom) And we’re back in ten seconds Brush… Five, four, three, two…

Bumper MUSIC rises.  Brush stares.

BLACKOUT