54Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

Hard At Work
A Two Minute Comedy

Doc Grimwood - 55, black
Willow - 50, male

Interior a doctor’s  examining room.  Willow is seated on the exam table.  Doc Grimwood is scribbling on a chart.

Willow: Look Doc… It’s really freakin’ weird. 

Doc: These things often are.  How often does  it appear?

Willow: I can never tell.  Some days absolutely nothing.  Others it’s like a freakin’ tree farm.

Doc: (pause) A tree farm?

Willow: You know.  Like a Ponderosa pine reaching for the sky.

Doc: Ah.  Okay.  As you may or may not know the condition is often purely psychological.  The mind deeply affects the physiology.

Willow: So, what are you saying?

Doc: Nothing at the moment.  But I’d like to get more background to identify the circumstance of the dysfunction.

Willow: Wait a minute Doc.  It’s not really a dysfunction is it?  I thought it was only a dysfunction when the sailor don’t salute?

Doc: If I understand your complaint it’s that you only get an erection at inopportune times.

Willow: Yeah.  Like when I’m on the friggin job!

Doc: And since your partner is rarely available on the job…

Willow: Yeah.  Peter’s got no one to poke!

Doc: What kind of work do you do?

Willow: I’m a crew boss for Diddle Datree Landscaping.

Doc: (writing) Diddle A Tree?

Willow: (apologetic) Da Tree… It’s a silly name the owner got from his kid.

D: Of course.  And the symptoms appear when you are…?

Willow: When I’m working.

Doc: Yes but specifically what are you doing when it happens?

Willow: I don’t know.  I’m just on the job is all.

Doc: But there may be a connection between the work you’re doing and the erectile symptoms.

Willow: (thinks) Can’t think of anything at the moment.

Doc: Think back to the last time this happened.  What specifically were you doing when…

Willow: When the King stood up?

Doc: Yes.

Willow: (thinks) When… I was doin’ the assignment list. 

Doc: What’s the assignment list?

Willow: The list of crew that’s gonna work that week.

Doc: You select the men and women who are going to work?

Willow: Yeah.  We always got a lot more guys than we need.

Doc: So you are the arbiter of work for the company?

Willow: (pause) I give em the assignments, yeah.

Doc: Think clearly Mr. Willow.  Does your erection occur when you are assigning men or women?

Willow stares.

Willow: (irritated) It don’t matter.  What’re you getting at Doc?

Doc: I’m trying to determine if there is a gender related psycho-social aspect to your condition.

Willow: Well, I cut men and women equal.  I don’t discriminate if that’s what you’re getting’ at.

Doc: You said you “cut” men and women?  What’s that mean?

Willow: (hesitant) I got a list. 

Doc: What kind of list?

Willow: A “work” and “don’t work” list.

Doc: And when you are making up the “don’t work” list, what happens?

Willow stares.  His eyes widen.

Willow: That’s it Doc!  I get wood whenever I’m puttin someone on the “don’t work” list!

Doc: (writing) Fascinating…

Willow: What’s fascinating?

Doc: (writing) It’s a classic example of sexual compensation manifesting in a display of authoritarian denial. 

Willow: What the hell’s that mean Doc?

Doc: (simply) It means you get sexually aroused when you deny someone a job.  It gives you the illusion of power and authority. 

Willow: (angry) Now wait just a goddamned minute!

Doc: It’s not that unusual.  Feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, fear of aging or  mental instability all contribute to psycho-sexual dysfunction. 

Willow jumps up furiously.  He grabs his  jacket, turns to the Doctor.

Willow: That’s a load of bullshit Doc!  I come in here with a problem any real man would want!  I thought you’d say hey, no problem, just go get laid some more.  But you try to make it out like I’m some kinda freak!  Don’t bother sending me a bill Doc.  I ain’t gonna pay it!

Doc: I’m sorry you feel that way Mr. Willow.   Before you go… One last thing.  How do you feel?  Ah, down there? 

Willow hesitates, looks down at his groin.

Doc: Is the Ponderosa standing tall?

Willow: (turning bright red) You are fucking fired, Doc!