52Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre


The Accident

CAST:

Egothius: - a Cockney archer
Igoramus: - a Cockney citizen

A lone archer, Egothius stands center stage aiming his bow offstage.   He releases the string and lets his arrow fly.

Egothius: Ahaha, swift arrow seek your home…

A pause as Egothius waits for his arrow to find home.

Egothius: (squinting)  What this that stops me arrow early??

Igoramus enters.  He has an arrow driven directly through his head!

Igoramus: Hey ho mate… Have you got a minute?

Egothius:  Who the bloody hell are you??

Igoramus: Well, I am the bloke what you hit with your arrow.

Egothius: What do you mean by that?

Igoramus: I mean that it’s was your bow what slung this arrow into me head.

Egothius: Oh? What arrow is that?

Igoramus: This ‘ere arrow what’s splittin’ me head!

Egotthius: (skeptical) What?  This arrow?

Igoramus: Yeah.  This arrow.

Egothius:  Hurt do it?

Igoramus: Bloody hell it hurt!  A bloody arrow through me head it is!

Egothius: Right.  Well, sometimes the look is much more than the feel.

Igoramus: Well this one feels what as bad as it look!  What you think?

Egothius: (squinting) You know, I’m not sure that’s me arrow.

Igoramus: Not your arrow?

Egothius: Right.

Igoramus: You think there might be someone else what shot me with an arrow? 

Egothius: Right.

Igoramus: Who would it be?

Egothius: (shrug) Could be anybody.

Igoramus: But you is the one with the bow in your hand.

Egothius: What?  This?  It’s nothing.’

Igoramus: Nothin’?

Egothius: A coincidnece.

Igoramus: A coincidence?

Egothius: Right.

Igoramus: I’ve got a arrow in me head and you got a bow in hand an you call it a “coincidence?”

Egothius: Right.

Igoramus:(disbelief) Are you joking?

Egothius: Not at all.  It was an accident.  Accidents happen, right?

Igoramus: What?  This arrow in me head is an “accident?”

Egothius: Yeah.  It’s not like someone put it there!

Igoramus: No someone shot it there!  But only it stopped on it’s way in me head!

Egothius: In the way.

Igoramus: What?

Egothius: Your head.  Was… in the way.  I mean if you wasn’t wanderin’ around in the field of fire you might not a’ been hit.

Igoramus: You’s saying that I am responsible for the arrow in me head?

Egothius: You was where you shouldn’t be and got hit by a stray.

Igoramus: A stray???

Egothius: Look, what happens in the world is accidents!  Accidents is when someone who deserves to be punished gets… punished.  

Igoramus: So you wasn’t done nuffin wrong?

Egothius:  No.  Nothing wrong.  Accidents happen, right mate?

Igoramus: (incredulous) And you think that “accidents” is what happen here?

Egothius: What else would it be?

Igoramus: Negligence?  Hatred?

Egothius: I don’t know you.  Don’t want to know you.

Igoramus: But it’s still your arrow what’s stuck in me head.  Right?

Egothius:  It don’t look half bad.

Igoramus: But I make me livin’ modeling hats!

Egothius: (squints) What’s your point?

Igoramus: It crimpin me talents now.

Egothius:  In what way?

Igoramus: In that I cannot get anything but a yarmulke or a mortar board on me head!

Egothius:  Niche markets is all the rage!

Igoramus: No one will hire me as a ‘at model what with this arrow in me head!

Egothius:  What’s your point?

Igoramus: You’ve caused irreparable damage.  I deserve compensation! 

Egothius: Compensation?

Igoramus: For what I lost.

Egothius:  What you lost?

Igoramus: It’ll be hard to get hat model gigs now.

A takes a pair of cutters from his pocket and cuts one end of the arrow off!

Egothius:  Problem solved.

Igoramus: No.  Problem not solved. 

Egothius: Why?

Igoramus: Hats still not gonna fit over the otha side…

Egothius takes out cutters again.

Igoramus: Wait!  You can’t just cut off the problem!

Egothius:  Why not?

Igoramus: You need to take responsibility and make restitution.

Egothius: Restitution?

Igoramus: Yeah.  It’s like apologizing.  Only wiv money.

Egothius: You want for me to apologize?

Igoramus: You done wrong.

Egothius:  It was an accident.

Igoramus: You done wrong.

Egothius:  Accidents do happen.

Igoramus: Take responsibility and make restitution.

Egothius: Money?

Igoramus: That’s what restitution is. 

Egothius:  How bout twenty pounds?

Igoramus: Twenty pounds?

Egothius: Yeah.

Igoramus: For an arrow shot through me head?

Egothius:  Yeah.

Igoramus: What has ruined me career as a hat model?

Egothius: Yeah.

Igoramus: Is you bloody barmy?

Egothius: Why?

Igoramus: Why?  Cause you is a cheap ignorant asshole what cannot accept responsibility for his actions!!

Egothius:  Who?  Me?

Igoramus: You.

Egothius: (pause)  How bout forty pound?

Igoramus: (pause) What’s it like to live in your self-involved, ego-maniacal world?

Egothius: (shrugs) Quite comfortable.

Igoramus: Comfortable?

Egothius: We just deny we done nothing wrong and duck out on the “restitution” part.  Keeps us fat, happy and…

Igoramus: Stupid.

Egothius: (pause) Ain’t stupid to get away with murder…

BLACK OUT:

THE END