51Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre


Ghoulish Pride
A Comedy with Meter


CAST:
Demee - an ethereal fairee
Peepee - an ethereal fairee

At lights up Demee wields a three foot length of wood.  She comes up behind an unsuspecting Peepee and WHACKS him with it!  Peepee stands vibrating from the impact.  He then turns a scowling face to Demee.

Peepee: What in heaven‘s holy sake brings this??

Demee: What?

Peepee: This hit cross mine head with that two by four?

Demee: You are deserved of it.

Peepee: Pray fairy cousin why is it I deserve a smack upon my head?

Demee:  For what thou hast done.

Peepee: What hast I done?

Demee: Thou hast insult me!

Peepee: Insult you?

Demee: Thy hearing is unremarkable but yea  inn-sult me!

Peepee: How have I done that noble thing?

Demee: You claim that I was stupid!

Peepee: Indeed flimsy spirit you are stupid!  And very old!

Demee raises the club again…

Peepee: Prey, put that thing away!

Demee: Not if thou continue vile insulting me!

Peepee: Praise fairy flam.  Your shine is not the stupid as much as that is dumb!

Demee swings the club and wallops Peepee across his back!

Peepee: (pained) Damn woman!  What wicked hand from so wee a god!

Demee: Not so wee now am I?

Peepee: Not so wee of hand but still wee of mind you ancient imp!

Peepee ducks the next blow and scurries out of range.

Demee: Don’t you dare run from me you little lummox!  I’ll track you down and raise a lump the size of Elfin mount!

Peepee: If your decrepit bones might catch me!

Demee: I kin catch you, beat you and throw yer milky remains to the winds!

Peepee: Come and pray airy wisp, why do you do me like you do?

Demee: Thou hast insulted my worthy pride and this punishment is due!

Peepee: How can a boarded brain restore thy egotistical pride?

Demee aims a blow toward Peepee’s crotch but misses.

Demee: Ego-testicals crushed like walnut stew, swell pride again to what is new!

Peepee: Now, now cousin fairy not so fair.  A low blow will only make thou stoop and id!

Demee: Hah! Your puny puns swell my bat whilst your shrinking head peeps like a lonely chick!

Peepee: Tis my name to peep wee Demee, but not by sight of fatted bat, but fatted head!  You are a fool of grandiose weeness!

Demee: Wee-ness is it now?  But when my bat strikes fleshy gold, my wee-ness doth conquer your tiny pee-ness! (she swings)

Peepee: (ducking) Little jokes pay little minds and only in fools gold.  Pray thee wee Demee, let’s table this strife and make the beast of two backs to hump away disgrace.

Demee: Ha!  Disgrace is yours stretched and screaming mercy from my bat!

Peepee: (mocking) Eeeek!  You make the mortals tall!  Oh please, please wee goddess take not on human pall!

Demee: I’ll take on raging storm and wicked wind if it will shut thy unutterable trap!

Peepee: (stopping) And I shall not shut a thing til thy apology rings in Apollo’s ear!

Demee: MY apology??  My apology!  Ha!  What tripe you are ripened for!

Peepee: If thou canst apologize for wrongful hits, then back to angel’s lair fly you and lick thy wounded pride!

Demee: I shall to no place go!  To lick or wallow or weigh the empty merit of your word!

Peepee: Thou hast hit upon me with no good cause more than an over-swelled heart.  Tis only pride that hath been hurt.  That hollow stuff of boastful men fatted by their own glass.  Be still old hag or confess thy wrong!

Demee: Oh false lies and wiles, I’ll confess no thing more than my hatred for you and your arrogant youth!  When in time by punishment you learn respect and offering - you shall speak my name, lord master, queen and wondrous thing!

Peepee: (suddenly) Lady wouldst thou gum my sword and wet thy whistle parched of humility?

Demee swings again knocking down Peepee.  She stands above him swinging the bat again and again while Peepee struggles less and less.

Demee: There and there and that and that!  Taste now your swill and my fixing bat!

Peepee: (dying) Thou hast killed me hag!  With least godly of blows.

Demee: All my blows are godly and deserved by knaves hath lack of manner!

Peepee: How wretched is thy soul!  Your killing blows the work of vanity, fear, illusion less humility! 

Demee unleashes a final blow and falls down exhausted. 

Demee: (puffing hard) An angel’s work is never done, until the death of arrogant sun!

FADE TO BLACK

Peepee: Forget not old queen how fleeting death, becomes the youth His work just now begun!

THE END