50Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre


Douglas and Scott
A Two Minute Comedy


CAST:
Douglas - a fir tree
Scott - a different fir tree

A brisk Canadian wind blows through a deep forest. 

Douglas: Morning Scott.

Scott: Morning Douglas.

Douglas: Beautiful day today.

Scott: I wouldn’t know.

Douglas: Oh… Sounds like a mood.

Scott: What mood?  I’m a four hundred year old tree.  What could possibly cause me a mood?

Douglas: Just saying… You sound a little grumpy this morning.

Scott: (annoyed) Douglas how would you know what I’m feeling?  Not every tree in the forest can be a happy go lucky, “Life is a beach” kind of tree y’know.

Douglas: Ha!  Life is a beach!  You’ve never even seen a beach, so why would that be a good thing?

Scott: It’s an expression, Douglas.  People say “Life is a beach” when they’re shaking with undeserved enthusiasm.  I don’t really mean it.

Douglas: Then why’d you say it?

Scott: Because sometimes people say things that mean the opposite.

Douglas: (pause) So, you really don’t think life is a beach?

Scott: Oh, for God’s sake Douglas!  Let me stand here and listen to the wind moan.

Douglas: (hesitant) You could’ve said life is a “branch.”  That way it’s more appropriate for a tree since we…

Scott turns ever so slightly toward Douglas.

Douglas: … are trees.

Silence.

Scott: You ever wish it would just end Douglas?

Douglas: What would end Scott?

Scott: This whole charade?  The forest, the trees, the stupid wind blowing us around all day?  I mean what’s the point of it all?

Douglas: Does it need a point Scott?

Scott: Yes, I think it does.  There must be a reason that we’ve been standing here these past four hundred years.

Douglas: Of course there’s a reason.  We’re part of the forest.

Scott: And what’s the reason for the forest?

Douglas: To protect the land.

Scott: And what’s the reason for the land?

Douglas: (sigh) I don’t know Scott.  Does there have to be a reason?

Scott: (pause) Look down there…

Douglas: Where?

Scott: By the big rock ledge in the babbling brook.

Douglas: Ah!  A fawn.  Isn’t that a beautiful sight?

Scott: Animals got it easy.

Douglas: Easy?  Why?

Scott:  Look at that fawn.  She can go wherever she wants.  She’s free Douglas.  Animals are free.

Douglas: You wish you were an animal?

Scott: I wish I had legs! 

Douglas: You got better than legs Scott.  You’ve got roots.

Scott: Roots that keep you trapped in one place.  You know how tired I am of seeing the same thing decade after decade?

Douglas: Say you did have legs.  Where’d  you go?

Scott: Outta this forest! 

Douglas: What’d you do?

Scott: Travel.  See the world.  I’d like to go to Palm Springs.

Douglas: (pause) That’s a desert Scott.  Trees can’t survive in the desert.

Scott: Okay then, Vegas.

Douglas: Come on, tree.  What’d it look like seeing a two hundred foot Sitka Spruce in the middle of Las Vegas?

Scott: Like a blessed miracle.

Douglas: Well, it ain’t gonna happen.  You’re stuck here.  With me.

Scott: Don’t rub it in.

Douglas: (hurt) I’m sorry you feel that way.

Scott: It’s just that… Well, being grounded and strong and upright isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Douglas: Who said it was supposed to?

Scott: It isn’t very much fun.

Douglas: Trees do not have fun, Scott!

Scott: And that’s why I wake up saying, “What’s so beautiful?”

Douglas: (pause) Hey look… The fawn, she’s going back down the stream.

Scott: (wistful) Lucky thing.  She’s got her whole life ahead of her.

Douglas: Her whole short life Scott.

Scott: Well, that’s just it Douglas.  Better a short, happy life than a long tedious one.

Douglas: Come on.  You don’t really mean that.

Scott: Yes I do. 

Douglas: You can’t be serious.

Scott: I’m a Canadian Spruce Douglas.  .  We’re all very serious.

Silence.

Scott: You ever heard of Caesar’s Palace?

Douglas: Forget it Scott.

Scott: Hey.  I can dream can’t I?

BLACKOUT

THE END