49Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

Kid Trouble PT II 
"Scrood's Comeuppance"

Scrood - a security specialist
Tolmie -  a man in black
Blanchard - man in black

Lights up on Scrood center stage, duct taped to a chair.  He looks worse for the wear.  Tolmie and Blanchard move around him like wolves on stalk.   Blanchard carries a bucket.

Tolmie: Wake him up!

Blanchard throws the bucket and water splashes all over Scrood. 

Tolmie: Wake up ya pussy!

Scrood:  Huh?  (groggy) Oh, yeah… you guys.

Blanchard: Who’d you expect, Paris and Nichole?

Tolmie: You know who we are?

Scrood: (pause, shrugs) Who gives a shit?

Blanchard BACKHANDS Scrood hard enough to knock his chair over backwards!

Blanchard: You wanna be a tough guy, tough guy?

Scrood: (muffled) I am you faggot!

Blanchard viciously stomps Scrood, who lets out a groan.

Tolmie: (calm) I’m the only one should be name calling here.  And you know what I call you Mr. Scrood?  Hmm?  I call you an abuser

Blanchard kicks Scrood hard!

Blanchard: Hear that?  You’re a fuckin abuser!

Tolmie: Know how I know that Mr. Scrood?

Scrood: (muffled) You got fucked in the ass by an angel?

Blanchard throws the bucket at Scrood, who yelps.

Tolmie: That’s a revolting image Mr. Scrood.  And not true.  I have watched how you treat people.  You think you can treat people anyway you please…

Blanchard grabs a chair leg and drags it around in a circle.  Scrood’s head bounces off the floor.   Tolmie watches calmly, signals  Blanchard to stop.

Tolmie: (to Blanchard) Let’s give him a glass of water and an aspirin.

Blanchard: Do I have to?

Tolmie: Please.

Blanchard takes out a leather pouch and removes a syringe. 

Scrood: (grim) You don‘t got any Tylanol?

Blanchard: Na… It’s a little something we got from the bio lab. 

He jabs it into Scrood’s neck who yells in pain. 

Tolmie: It’s the H5N1- Z virus.  Makes you puke so hard your stomach’s forced into your esophagus.  You’ll want to die long before you suffocate on your own guts.

Scrood:  Yeah?   Fuck off.

Tolmie: The reason you’re being treated this way is because it’s how you treat people.  Do you understand what this is?

Scrood: Yeah.  It’s two fags can’t get it up anymore.

Blanchard viciously kicks Scrood in the stomach.  Then raises the chair upright again.

Tolmie:  We’ve been tracking your behavior for two years.  We were especially impressed with how you dealt with your own child.  A strong work ethic is important discipline.  Isn’t that right Blanchard?

Blanchard: (shrugs) Don’t know.  Don’t call this work…

He hocks a huge lougi and spits in Scrood’s face.  Scrood begins to hyperventilate.

Scrood:  I taught my kid responsibility.  Something you two monkeys never heard of.

Tolmie: (harsh) Oh?  How responsible is it to inject a child with a germ warfare virus, asshole?  Or force ‘em to live on a street and eat garbage?  Or steal their savings and expect ‘em to work for nothing?  Huh?

Scrood: (panting) I’m a sober living, god-fearing man.  I did nothing wrong!

Blanchard offers Scrood a handkerchief.  Drops it.

Blanchard: You like music, Scrood?

Scrood: (gasping) Everything I did for my kid was to make him stronger!  A better man!

Tolmie: Like running him down with a car?   Using him as a human guinea pig?  Withholding medical treatment?  Enrolling him in your sick, black programs without consent?  You’re nothing more than a lowlife scumbag, asshole!  Devoid of moral and ethical character.  

Blanchard: (bright) How bout Sinatra?  You like Sinatra?

Scrood spits up blood, spraying some on Blanchard.

Blanchard: Hey!  Watch the suit!

Tolmie: You see actions do have consequences Mr. Scrood… You feel em?   Maybe now’s a good time to ask forgiveness.  Maybe you should say you’re sorry.

Scrood: (in agony) I’m not sorry for what I did!  I’m not sorry!  I…did…good!

Tolmie: What you have to understand is that imposing your “good” puritanical views on innocent people, only gets you what you give.  It’s a kind of spiritual law, isn’t it Blanchard?

Blanchard leans over the gasping Scrood and sings sweetly.

Blanchard: “Strangers in the night, exchanging glances, wondering in the night, what were the chances…”

Tolmie joins Blanchard singing in harmony.

Tolmie and Blanchard: “We’d be sharing love, before the night was through…”

Lights begin to fade.  Scrood gags. 

Blanchard: Hey, keep it down huh?

Tolmie and Blanchard: “Something in your eyes was so inviting, something in your smile was so exciting, something in my heart, told me I must have you…”

“Strangers in the Night” copyright © Charles Singleton, Bert Kaempfert, Eddie Snyder  All Rights Reserved