48Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre


Kid Trouble
A Two Minute Comedy


CAST:
Finkter - a distraught parent
Scrood - a security specialist

Finkter enters and approaches Scrood seated behind a desk.  Scrood is wearing a bright red Christmas stocking cap.  He does not look up.

Scrood: Talk to me.

Finkter: Ah.  I’m here for some help.

Scrood: Tell me the problem.

Finkter: It’s my kid.

Scrood: Kidnapped?

Finkter: No.

Scrood: Abducted?

Finkter: No.

Scrood: A stalker?

Finkter: No.  She’s just impossible to live with.

Scrood: (puzzled) She’s not in some kind of danger?

Finkter: No.  She’s a teenager and she does not obey me.

Scrood: Look, Mr. Finkter,  this is a personal security company.  We provide security for high profile people exposed to dangerous situations.

Finkter: I know but I’m desperate.  I’ve tried everything else.  I need to take drastic measures before I’m driven to do something drastic.

Scrood: (pause, sympathetic) I know what you mean.  I’ve got a sixteen year old son.  He drove me to drink before I put a lid on it.

Finkter: How’d you do that?

Scrood: Joined AA.

Finkter: No.  How’d you put a lid on your kid’s behavior?

Scrood: Well, first I tried the usual stuff.  Froze his bank account and got his boss to fire him.

Finkter: That did it?

Scrood: Nope.  When he got another job I put the arm on the boss and  made him withhold his salary.

Finkter: That did it?

Scrood: No.  Then I hid  a directed energy acoustic radiator in his room.

Finkter: What’s that do?

Scrood: Prevents sleep, induces disorientation,  headaches.   It weakens the resolve.

Finkter: (aghast) You tortured your own child?

Scrood: (thinks) Well, yeah… When we told him he had skin cancer we used an electric needle to burn his flesh.  But he still didn’t break.

Finkter: (shocked) My god, what kind of a monster are you?

Scrood: You gotto to be tough with kids Finkter.  I learned that in the program.  Next were drugs.  My docs injected sedatives,  hypnotics, psychadelics, depressants, antidepressants, stimulants, antipsychotics and a viral infection from the biowarfare guys.

Finkter:  Good Christ man!

Scrood: Nothing worked.  So I kicked him outta the house and told friends and relatives not to take him in.

Finkter: Hell!  Where’d he go? 

Scrood: Lived on the street.  Sponged food at the shelters.  Built character.

Finkter: And that…?

Scrood: Didn’t wake him up.  So, I arranged a trip wire fall.

Finkter: What’s a trip wire fall?

Scrood: The kid’s riding his skateboard down the sidewalk and two of my guys got a trip wire laid down.  They pull it and my kid flies head over heels into a brick wall.  Broke both arms, a leg and two ribs.  Now that, made an impression!

Finkter: (shocked) An impression?  You damned near killed your own kid!

Scrood: Yeah but he’s a wise ass and needs lots of discipline.

Finkter: So that straightened him out?

Scrood: Nope.  After he recovered - thank god for company insurance - he comes in here and tells me I’m a corrupt, low life scumbag with no morals or ethics.

Finkter: That sounds about…

Scrood: I thought about a wet job for the fuck.  But I got enough heat around here already so I had my enforcer whack him with a car.

Finkter: You ran your kid down in a car??

Scrood: (laugh) Not me!  I got guys do that for me.  Whaddya take me for?

Finkter: (stunned) You killed your kid?

Scrood: Nah.  He’s okay.  Six months hospital, physiotherapy, psychotherapy,  long term pain,  he’s learned humility. 

Finkter: Humility?  It’s any wonder he’s alive!

Scrood: Yeah.  My guys are good.  Now I got him blacklisted and broke doing free labor over the psyche ward.  He don’t talk to me anymore.

Finkter: What does your wife and family think about this?

Scrood: They think, what I tell em to think!  You gotto be strong when it comes to family.   The strong rule the weak.

Scrood flips his stocking cap back - jingling its bell. 

Scrood: (taking notes) So, what’s your kid’s name and where does she go to school?

Finkter stares.

BLACKOUT

Et in Terra Pax