44Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

Mortal Massacre
A Two Minute Comedy

Cresus - craggy old gent
Cragol - another craggy old gent

The two craggy old gents, mid-seventies face the audience seated in separate chairs.  They each hold a video game console, pushing buttons enthusiastically.  They stare at an invisible video screen in front of them.

Cresus: (excited) Ha!  Got him!

Cragol: You didn’t!

Cresus: Hell I didn’t!  Look at the blood on my hood ornament!

Cragol: Damn!  That’s the fifth pedestrian in ten minutes!

Cresus: Face it Cragol, I got skills you never dreamed of.

Cragol: I can’t help but think you been cheating somehow.

Cresus: No.  No need to cheat my brother.  I have practice.

Cragol: From where?

Cresus: At home.  I  play a round of Mortal Massacre every morning after checking my portfolio.

Cragol: Ah!  No wonder you drive so well.

Cresus: Killing mortals gets the blood flowing in the morning.

Cragol:  Ah!  A figurative allusion!  Splendid Cresus.

Cresus: One must do something to amuse oneself.

Cragol: Of course.  And Mortal Massacre improves real life driving skills!

Cresus: (wild gyration) Recklessly of course!  Ha!  Got the old lady and her nappy little dog!

Cragol: I admit it Cresus.  You’re becoming a Mortal Massacre master.

Cresus: Thank you Cragol.  (pause) Ever since the layoffs it’s been hard to find a way to express myself.  In the old days, if I needed a bit of fun I’d just kick a child or behead a man.  Frankly, when they retired us I thought my world had ended.  Not a soul cared who I was or what I had been.

Cragol: It is disheartening to lose face.

Cresus: (happily) Not if you don’t have a heart, Cragol!

Cragol: (scoring a point) Hah!  You’re right at that Cresus!  Only the heartless survive!

Cresus: And, thanks to these splendid computer games I can cripple, maim and murder just like the good old days!  Who said technology was for pencil necks!  (squinting) Ah ha… the mother and baby carriage in a crosswalk.  Watch this…

Cresus rises, punching console buttons wildly.  There is a loud CRASH and then a woman’s scream.

Cresus: Take that mortal!  What’s it Cragol… four hundred points for a mother and child?

Cragol: (somber) Four hundred fifty three to be exact.

Cresus: (studying screen) What a mess on my hood!  (frowning) Is that an infant’s arm??

Cragol:  Fifty points for my coupon to Gore-Don’s Wash and Wax.

Cresus: Twenty five.  I don’t mind blood on the paint, but it gets hard to see through the wipers…

Cragol: (excited) Hold it!  A troupe of Girl Scouts… I’m back in the game Cresus!

Cragol jumps to his feet twisting and turning his game console.  We HEAR a squeal of tires and staccato THUDS and SHRIEKS from the screen.

Cragol: One two, three… (punches buttons) Four…

Cresus: (begrudgingly) Nice driving Cragol.

Cragol: (happily) Four Girl Scouts at two hundred points each… It’s like we never retired Cresus! 

Cresus: Yeah it really is.  When you get down to it, it’s all about excelling at something. 

Cragol: Doing something you can be proud of.

Cresus: And not wasting precious time.

Cragol: (jaunty) Which we have an everlasting lifetime of!

Cresus: (admiring) Look at all those dead mortals.  Makes you feel good to be alive, doesn’t it?

Cragol: That it does my friend.  That it does.