43Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

Human Relations Primer
A Two Minute Comedy

Ms. Strickland - teacher
Fred - a senior cadet
Angie24 - a fembot cadet
Finch - a new recruit

A banner above the classroom video screen reads: Gamma Sector: Human Relations Primer.  Ms. Strickland stands in front of the screen, tired, impatient, not wanting to be there.  The students are seated in front of her, dressed in cadet uniforms.

Strickland: It is crucial to remember that human beings do not recognize metaphorical speech.  They speak and expect to be spoken to plainly. Single Intention Communication  is the primary vehicle for human contact.  Okay, Angie24 and Finch let’s run down a standard greeting exchange.

Finch: (nervous) Right now Ms. Strickland?

Strickland: Can you think of a better time?  Stand up and engage…

Finch and Angie24 rise awkwardly and face each other.

Finch: (hesitant) Hello, and good afternoon Angie24.

Angie24: (flat) Hello.  It is not a good afternoon. 

Strickland: All right hold it.  Angie24, it’s not a good afternoon?  Why?

Angie24: Because it is raining.  The rapid precipitation of water H2O from cumulus cloud formations is perceived to be a negative condition.

Stickland: (annoyed) Who said it was raining?

Angie24: Data files show earth’s northern climate to precipitate 54.7 percent of the daylight hours.  A standard greeting must assume rain as part of the scenario.

Strickland: Okay, look cadets.  A standard greeting is an exchange that has few variables.  People say these things even when they don’t mean them.  When someone says hello or good afternoon you repeat what they say.  Repetition eliminates difference.

Angie24: But it is untrue. 

Strickland: Truth is not at issue here.  The exchange of standard phrases is all that matters.  Now do it again.

Finch: (pause) Hello and good afternoon Angie24.

Angie24: Hello and good afternoon Angie24.

Strickland stares.

Finch: It is pleasant to meet you.

Angie24: It is pleasant to meet you Cadet Finch.

Finch hesitates.  He looks at Strickland for help.

Stickland: (irritated) Go ahead.  Move on to another standard scenario.

Finch: Angie24, you are attractive to my libido.  Would you care for casual sex?

Angie24: Only with the protection of a prophylactic sheath around your penis.

Finch: You are fortunate that I am carrying a prophylactic sheath in my wallet.

Angie24: Good.  I would caution you that there are certain sex acts I do not engage in, especially the golden shower, anal penetration and…

Strickland: (exploding) STOP!  That’s enough!  Dear Lord…Fred?  Can you tell us what’s wrong with this exchange?

Fred: (frowns)  Finch didn’t prove he has a prophylactic in his wallet?

Strickland: NO!!  Listen to me cadets!  A standard greeting does not include a request for sex!

Finch: (confused) But it is the most common desire of the male human for the female human, Ms. Stickland.

Fred: (knowingly) And it is a very pleasant desire Finch, believe me!

Strickland:  Fred!  Restraint.  (to Finch) Finch, just because it is common does not mean sex is used in a greeting scenario.  The human male disingenuously avoids the subject in greetings.

Angie24: The expression is “beating around the bush.”

Strickland: Yes.  Solicitation of sex only occurs after a period of prefatory attraction display.

Angie24: How does the male accomplish this?

Fred: He gets her drunk.  Ethyl alcohol is man’s second best friend.

Finch: What is the first?

Strickland: A creature he calls a “dog.”

Finch: (bright) Ah!  Another name for the penis!

Strickland: (desperate)  Please dear Lord…  Okay.  Let’s do it again, this time without the sex scenario. 

Finch and Angie24 face each other.
Finch: Good afternoon Angie24. 

Angie24: Good afternoon Cadet Finch.

Finch: Let’s drink alcohol jello shots before you meet my dog, Bush.

Angie24: Thank you Finch.  I am attracted to dogs.