37Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

Central D’ Saster 10
A Two Minute Comedy

Bucky - the erstwhile team leader
Benny - the cub assistant
Bobby - gay conservative
Buffy - sweet, amorous, calculating
Bill - pragmatic, recovering addict
Baker - liberal, idealist (female)
Broderick - hard-boiled veteran

Bucky’s back is facing our fighting team.  “Rock Around the Clock” is playing and Bucky pulls a comb through his oil slick hair.  He whirls around revealing his face painted half red and half blue.  He sings the last verse of “Clock” into the comb.  Music ends and a smattering of applause comes from the team members.

Benny: (enthusiastic) Gol, he even looks like Little Richard!

Bobby: He looks nothing like little Richard.  Little Richard has a gold tooth.

Bucky: People, I want to thank you for the last cycle.  Even though we lost the week and the egghead APS debunked our asteroid story… It was a good effort.

Buffy: (quiet) Here comes the “but.”

Bucky: BUT!  It was not enough people!  Not enough.  I’ll bet some of you are wondering why the boss has a bi-colored face today.

Bobby: (pause) I’m sorry boss, are you saying you’re bi??

Bucky: Don’t mouth my words Bobby.  I’m telling you it’s time to get dead center in the middle of the two political after-parties and tear them apart!!

Baker: What’s the plan Oh Painted One?

Bucky removes a dollar bill from his wallet.  He holds it up to the team.

Bucky: The plan is this my friends…

He viciously tears the dollar bill into little tiny pieces.

Benny: (puzzled) Destroy Abe Lincoln?

Bucky: No Benny.  We’re going to destroy the financial system of the United States!!  And we’ve got to do it fast so we can get the Wicked Witch out of the news!!!

Broderick: Boss, why don’t we go at the source and bust up the Wicked Witch?

Buffy: Yeah.  I got a great story about her failing  paleontology!

Bobby: I’ve got her canoodling with Matt Damon!

Bucky: (quieting crowd) Folks, I think we all would like to take a chainsaw to the Wicked Witch, but my orders are from above and they are clear.  Kill the market!  Tear up the Street!  Undermine the real estate, and bring down equity houses!!

Baker: Are we talking a Twenties type crash boss?

Bucky: Crash.  Burn.  Fall. Annihilate!  We’re talking total, absolute DEPRESSION, people!! 

Buffy: (happy) This is my dream job!

Bucky: Okay, I need ideas creative ones!  Give me what I need.  Tales of woe.  Burdens of B-A-D.  (pause) Baguettes of… bummers.

Bill: I say we take down federally backed mortgages first.  We kill off Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac!

Broderick: Might as well kill FDIC while we’re at it.

Bucky: Okay, what’s the big B-A-D in that action?

Bill: People lose their mortgages.  And their savings accounts lose guarantees.  Total financial insolvency.  Bankruptcy.  Ruin!

Bucky: Beautiful!  Hundreds of thousands of homeless!  Who else??  Who’s got financial ruin in their veins??

Bobby: Both parties declare the emergency.  The left  AND the right both shout at the top of their lungs: “It’s a Devastating Financial Crisis!!”

Bucky: Good.  Good!  We tell mainstream press AND the right wing pundits to follow the same script!

Benny: (doubtful) We can do that?

Buffy: (stares) You really are naïve, aren’t you Benny?

Broderick: We really want to yank the rug we can call the virtual China Bank paper.  That’d trash the treasury in a week.  (pause, solemn) We’ll need to warn of jumpers.

Bucky: What’s that Mr. B?  Jumpers?

Broderick:  (shrugs)With financial crises you always get jumpers.  Guys diving offa roofs, swallowing pills, poppin’ their brains out.  Gets messy.

A brief moment of silence.

Bill: (bright) So, we go with a line like: “Nation Holds Gun to its Head!”

Baker: Or,  “Hopeless Homeless Have Company!”

Buffy: Or, “Nouveau Bankrupt Cry ‘Suicide is Painless!‘”

Bucky: (elated) Ah, you guys are the best.  The BEST!  There are times I look at your shining faces and say to myself,  “Blessed Be the Bad.”  (serious again) Let’s get on it people!!!  Let’s get on it!

The last chorus of “Rock Around the Clock” plays and Bucky boogies as the…