36Two Minute Comedy

"Give us Two Minutes... We'll Give You Too"

A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre


Something’s Afoot!
A Two Minute Comedy


CAST:
Dwidal Dee, 35 a scientist
Dwidal Dum, 35 a scientist
Dean Hamfest, 40

Dark.  Silent.  A sudden, bright EXPLOSION rocks the stage.  Lights slowly rise on Dee and Dum.  Their faces are smudged black, lab coats torn, hair frazzled.  They remain frozen as smoke clears.

Dee: So, what do you think?

Dum: About?

Dee: The test.

Dum: Fascinating.

Dee: About the results?

Dum: More than I imagined.

Dee: Yes.

Dum: Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Dee: True.

Dean Hamfest rushes in, frantic.  Dum slaps down a patch of flame on his coat.

Hamfest: (aghast) Dee, Dum, what the hell was that?

Dee: (matter of fact) A fantastic opportunity.

Hamfest: An opportunity?  The place is a mess!

Dum: Progress is an imprecise science.

Hamfest: Now look, this university has a major investment in your work gentlemen.  From the appearance of the two of you I’d say we made a mistake.

Dee: Dean Hamfest, appearances mean nothing.  Results are all that matters, and we have produced results.

Hamfest: (incredulous) Beyond blowing yourselves up?

Dum:  (still extinguishing flames) Oh this is nothing really.

Hamfest: Nothing??  What good can possibly come from this?

Dee: Well, it may be difficult to see right now Dean Hamfest.  But when we are done analyzing the situation we’ll know far more than we started with.

Hamfest: (angry) Listen to me you two… You are here to bring prestige to this university!  You are here to win awards and prizes and publish books!  If the public gets wind of this there will be no end to the embarrassment.  It will be an unqualified disaster!  Do you hear me?

Dum: Yes sir.

Hamfest: Dee?

Dee: Yes sir.

Hamfest: Now, don’t tell me how good this is, tell me what the hell went wrong.

Dee: It was unexpected, Dean.

Hamfest: (sarcastic) Blowing yourselves to kingdom come was not on your “To Do” list?

Dum: What Dee is saying is that though unexpected, fluctuations are the norm... 

Hamfest: What went wrong, dammit!!

Dee: (simply) We had no idea of the power of the catalyst.

Dum: In the past we have been able to confine catalytic reactions to a minimum.  We have had protocols and mechanisms that limit potential… thermal extrusions.

Hamfest: And what the hell is a thermal extrusion?

Dee: An explosion, sir. 

Hamfest: An explosion.

Dum: We’ve never seen this volatility in a catalyst.  How could we know?  It’s the first time…

Hamfest: (cutting him off) I’m paying you two eggheads to know things!  I expect you to know things in advance and to prepare for them.  I don’t expect you to engage in research that will blow the fuck up!!  Am I being perfectly clear??

Dee & Dum: Yes, sir!

Dean: Good!

Dean rotates on his heel producing a burst of flame from the bottom of his shoe.  He looks down, shrieks and stomps the flames frantically.   Dee and Dum stare. 

Dean: (recovering) That… is all gentlemen!

Dee & Dum: Yes sir!!

BLACKOUT